Saturday, January 24, 2009
I have a number of blogs listed here that I try to read regularly....including my brother's entertaining slice of life, Project Blue
But today I discovered another entertaining blog from perhaps a not so likely source:
Jorge Garcia, 'Hurley' from Lost.
Here he is with Mr. Yum Yum, I mean Naveen Andrews.
It's a fun blog to read and I found myself going back and reading the entire archive. I added it to my list but here's his blog:
Dispatches from the Island
It's not really about Lost, either, so you can enjoy it even if you don't watch the show. Also, his girlfriend is from Milwaukee and there's some posts and pictures from about a year ago when he visited.
But I did watch another film that night that I enjoyed even more than Scars, and that was Blood for Dracula. Blood was made in 1974 and written and directed by Paul Morrissey. I saw the last half of it a few years ago at Cinema Wasteland and I've always wanted to see the entire thing. Blood is a rather naughty movie, with lots of nudity and sex. But remember this is 1974, so these boobies are real, and not the kind we see on Rock of Love Bus.
Side note- do you watch this mess? it's by far the cheapest, trashiest guilty pleasure out there today. Nobody (including Bret Michaels) really thinks he's looking for love anymore (except MAYBE some of the very drunk and disillusioned females on this show) and I find myself actually rooting for the drunkest and the bitchiest to stay because they're the most fun. But I digress.....
So Dracula apparently needs virgin blood. Or he will die. So Drac (played by Udo Kier) and his manservant go off to the Italian countryside to find virgins. Because, apparently, that is where they keep them. Ah, the lovely Italian countryside, where the virgins grow!
(Dig Drac's FUNKY ASS coat, people!)
On arrival, Anton the manservant, goes into town and apparently decided sublety is NOT called for as he announces his master is in town looking for a wife and she MUST be virginal. He is told of a local family named DiFiore who have four unmarried daughters and of course they would be THRILLED to marry off one of them.
Word spreads to the family that some Count dude is in town scouting for a virgin wife, and instead of being freaked out by that, Momma DiFiore thinks that is pretty nifty. Because A)We gotta start marrying off these bitches, and B)they need the money because their home is in ruins.
I mean, just look at this shack.
I don't know how we manage to live in this dump!
So Anton shows up to arrange a meeting, Poppa D thinks Dracula is a pretty neat sounding name, and Momma invites them to stay in their house. Then there's a little entertaining side story where Anton hits the local pub and a young girl is involved in some kind of unseen accident outside the pub and is apparently losing blood. Quick thinking Anton manages to soak up her virginal blood in A LOAF OF BREAD and presents it to his boss, who is already starting to feel weak.
I vant to suck your bread!
Back to the DiFiore household....it's bedtime, and the girls are all talking about the count's impending arrival....soon we find out that a couple of the sisters like to bunk at night with the family's hired hand, Mario.....And that's as naughty as the pictures in this blog are gonna get, folks.
The next day Drac and Anton show up at the house, ready to interview virgins and pick one (or two) out. Eventually Saphria is picked as the first candidate, and even under pressure, she swears to Dracula that she is indeed a virgin.....
You can't lie to Drac, however, because apparently non-virgin blood makes him very ill...what follows is probably the longest 'vomiting blood in a bathtub' scene you're ever likely to see on film.
The next morning, Saphria is acting very strange and sporting a scarf around her neck. We end up repeating the whole cycle with Rubinia, which leads to Dracula spouting one of the best lines of the movie:
The blood of these whores is killing me!
Eventually, Dracula's intentions turn towards the youngest of the bunch, Perla. But Mario the family handyman has managed to figure out what Drac is up to and in a very chilvarous move, takes it upon himself to deflower Perla before Drac can get to her. What a guy!
Drac is a day late and a dollar short, and comes on the scene just as Momma D has caught Mario and Perla in the act (in the hallway, of course). But Mario explains that he's just being a good guy and that Dracula is a vampire, blah blah blah.
There's just no good way to delicately explain the end. Suffice it to say Dracula finds sustenance in what's left behind from Mario and Perla's 'encounter' in the hallway. Oh yeah and then the eldest daugher, Esmerelda shows up and catches Drac.....taking in said sustenance from the marble floor. Yeah, nasty.
Oh yeah, big Sis Esmerelda, she's been kind of forgotten in all this virgin madness....I guess because.......she has weird hair and she's real pale and.....I really don't know why. But Big Sis has saved the biggest surprise for last......
She's the only FREAKING Virgin in the house! And apparently more than thrilled to give up her blood to Dracula. But with Mario gunning for Dracula's hide, their new love may not last long.....
And in what can only be referred to as the Monty Python Holy Grail of vampire killings, Mario severs Dracula's limbs one at a time, reducing him to a writhing bloody torso (although still capable of delivering threats, which I found particularly amusing) before delivering the final stake to the heart. Esmerelda is beside herself and joins her love in death as she impales herself on the stake imbedded in Dracula.
And THAT is Blood of Dracula. It's a great little film and holds up well after thirty years.
Maybe next time 'marathon' will actually develop into a real one.......
What makes this even more wonderful is that it's an actual sign...in that someone hacked a sign on the side of the road and made it say this.
After I laughed my ass off, I realized the only thing that could make this better is if I was driving late at night with my brother J.L. and we actually drove past the sign ourselves.
Then I realized after our applause , about 30 seconds later, the moment would come when we looked at each other and think, 'what if?' And silently we both take an inventory of what can be used as weapons in the car. And then about ten seconds later we look each other again and we know what the other is thinking:
Romero zombies or Resident Evil zombies?
And, yes you are a huge ZOMBIE MOVIE NERD if you thought you'd find yourself doing the same thing.
But at least you're in good company.
When there's no more room in hell,
Saturday, January 17, 2009
You guessed it, with a marathon of vampire movies from the 1970's!
We'll start with a Hammer film, Scars of Dracula (1970), starring Christopher Lee.
The movie begins with a village finding a dead girl and they just know that Dracula is up to his old tricks. So the men get together and tell the women to go to the church, and go to the castle to kill Dracula.
Not even five minutes and we've already got villagers with torches......
They torch the castle and let it burn and for some reason spare Dracula's henchman. But when they return to the church, they find all is not well and all the women are dead.
Meanwhile, in another village, Simon and Sarah are celebrating her birthday. Nothing could spoil the happy day except.....where is that brother of Simon's at, Paul? Turns out he's in the bed of some nubile young chick and just now realizing he's late to the party.....just as he's leaving, nubile young chick's dad comes home and is none too happy to find Paul there....
Paul escapes and arrives at the partyto drop off his gift, a portrait of Sarah that he has taken. but just as he gives it to her, he decides it's not perfect and takes it back so he can fix it. Paul also has to be on the run as mad dad is still on his tail....Paul goes to the next village and ends up flirting with yet another young woman.....when her father interrupts them and tells him to leave. Paul figures that maybe the people in that castle over there will be friendlier, so he goes there.
Turns out some real nice people live there named Dracula and Tania. Wow, they seem really cool, and of course Paul can spend the night there. Paul can't believe his luck at finding such a nifty castle and nice people to stay with. He can't wait to tell his family and friends back home.
While Paul is settling in his room, Dracula takes a little.....restitution from Tania.Dracula and Tania sitting in a tree...............................
S - U-C- K - I - N- G!
Later, Tania shows up in Paul's room, telling him she is a prisoner and needs his help to escape....and then ten seconds later wants him to do the dirty with her. So which is it? Oh well, maybe there's time for both....
But like any good vampire woman, it turns out she only really wants one thing-
Evidently you don't cheat on Count D
Paul gets locked in his room and eventually escapes to another part of the castle...where he finds that his host is safely tucked away in his casket!
Dracula's henchman discovers Paul's picture of Sarah and decides she is one hot property.
Sarah and Simon get worried about what's happened to Paul and decide to go looking for him. Eventually angry people in the next town finally let them know that Paul went over to that big old castle....
Sarah is not feeling well when they make it to the castle, and Dracula is MORE than happy to set them up for the night. Although he denies that Paul ever made it there.
Just let me take your bags.
Simon is suspicious, Sarah wears a cross, and Dracula needs his henchman to remove it so he can get down to business. But henchman recognizes her as his crush from the photograph, and refuses to do it. Eventually Sarah and Simon escape, and finally get some answers from the local priest, who offers to keep Sarah safe while Simon goes off and kills that menace Dracula once and for all.
Simon goes back to the castle, finds Dracula and also his dead brother nailed up to a wall. At the same time, the priest is attacked, and Sarah runs off to the castle to find Simon. But Dracula finds her first, and pulls the ol' let me hypnotize you......but whoops, Sarah still has that pesky old cross around her neck.
We all run around the castle a lot, Dracula gets his pet bat to pull the cross off Sarah, Simon attempts to run a iron stake through Dracula's heart, which D just pulls right out....but as he starts to throw it back at Simon, lucky lightning strikes it, D catches on fire, and falls off the castle. Wow. How's that for serendipidty?
Don't worry....(because I know you are!) that my festival ended here.....I've got a few more bloodsucking hits from the 70's coming your way..........
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
In continuing with our movie streak of late (while realizing my free evenings in which to attend movies are going to be downsized in a matter of a weeks) and also wanting to see as many possible Oscar nominated movies as possible, myself and Papa Cash took in a couple more films this week.
1. The Something Something about Benjamin Button
I can't be bothered to look up the actual title. Because the people who made this movie couldn't be bothered to actually ENTERTAIN me. So na-nee, movie people.
I will say this movie had a couple of firsts for me - the first time I've seen aging makeup used so effectively, and also the first time I took a break to refill the popcorn and the drink AND ask the counter guy- 'Dude, How LONG is this Benjamin Button movie anyway?' At this point we were past the 90 minute mark and I saw no end in sight. Smart counter dude said something like, 'Oh, it's about two hours...or two hours and something.'
Truer words never spoken my friends, the movie was INDEED two hours and ..something...which very closely approximated to THREE hours.
My opinions/views on movies that last over 85 minutes have been pretty clearly stated. But I don't whine or bitch when movies are 100, or even 120 minutes.... but when you start creeping up on the 180 minute mark, you better have something fun for me to watch while you start taking away hours of my life that ain't never coming back.
This is how I feel about this movie. I can't possibly ruin anything about it for you. Because-
If you already know that this is a movie where Brad Pitt starts out old and ages backward- then guess what- you know what happens.
You get to sit in a dark theater and watch that happen. For Three Hours.
I suggest a snack. Maybe a couple. A blanket and a pillow.
2. The Unborn
I will say that the Unborn is kind of a hot mess, but it's not without at least some fun aspects and some very creepy film imagery. When I go see a contemporary mainstream horror movie, I pretty much step in the door with very low expectations. I hope to see at least a few creepy images that I need to shake off, and that's about it.
The Unborn actually has quite a few- that are used rather effectively. That's why it's kind of a bummer that they didn't work on their story more - there were quite a few times during this when I kind of saw a good horror movie peeking through there. Unfortunately it didn't last long, and mostly got tripped up by the plot.
I won't list the plot holes here, just to say that some of them are kind of sneaky. At first, you don't realize they don't make sense. But there's this little teeny tiny tickle at the back of your mind....and then five minutes later, you're saying, heyyyyyyyyyy wait just a minute................
3. Appaloosa (Blu-Ray)
I think my inability to enjoy spy (or war) movies might also have something to do with my lack of interest in westerns as well. Or maybe it's just because I have girl parts. Anyway, I usually could give a frig about watching most westerns (except for Tombstone, and who doesn't love TOMBSTONE HELLO)
But I read something about this which made me want to check it out, so I Neflixed it. Ed Harris stars and directs and also co-wrote the screenplay (adapted from another source). Ed and Viggo Mortensen are on the side of the law, and Jeremy Irons is not. Renee Zellweger shows up as a love interest. (Can someone tell me what happened to that woman's FACE? It looks.....odd)
Anyway, it was entertaining.....after Ben what's his face, my standards are low to have something....ANYTHING...happen in a movie....but if you like any of these actors or just westerns in general, I'd check it out.
4. Pan's Labryrinth (Blu-Ray)
I have seen this twice before, once at the Oriental (where Doug Jones showed up and SIGNED MY HELLBOY DVD THAT I HAD STASHED IN MY PURSE OMG)
and once at home, but the 3rd time on Blu-Ray was just was magical and amazing as the first. I can't say how much I love this movie, and I have to nominate Guillermo Del Toro as possibly my favorite director in terms of listening to him talk about his work. (although I'll immediately watch an HG Lewis movie followed by his commentary on the film)
I remember being interested in what he had to say during the extras on Blade II, for crying out loud- and I didn't even know who the dude WAS. He obviously has a lot of insight into what he does and why, and more importantly, he can articulate that extremely well. He needs to write a book. About himself, movies, I don't care, I'll read it.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Today I have the pleasure of presenting one of my Christmas presents:
The Horrors of Spider Island.
Courtesy of my mother. Thanks, Mom!
I had seen this movie a few years ago on another set of movies....it's public domain and easily found. But I wanted the Something Weird version of this movie- they do a great job and their extras are always fun.
And they didn't let me down.
For some reason my movie is called this in the credits.
I dunno why.
The movie starts in an office where producers are casting dancers for a job in Singapore.
The office is filled with hopeful girls with great hair and stunning outfits who all want to go overseas and be dancers. As we all do!
The auditions begin, and these producers are so good at what they do, they don’t even need to see the girls actually dance to know if they can use them or not! Apparently you can just tell from looking at someone’s legs.
Looks like she knows how to dance for sure!
The one chick that does dance –ballet- is told she’s a great dancer but, sadly, they don’t need her. Wait, what?
Then a stripper comes in and gets down to business. Doesn’t dance a step.
Gets the job. Starting to see a pattern here.
Our last contestant actually gets asked to DANCE, of all things. So she does a little thing that involves kicking and her dress flipping up, and wow, I guess she must be really good, she gets the job.
The next thing we know, we’re on a plane to Singapore. Oh whoops, I guess we’re not gonna make it there because the plane is going down.Plane crash --> lifeboat -->wash up on beach.
Gary and the girls decide to take a walk around the island, where they find a hammer...with a long handle...which Gary deduces must be for mining...uranium!!!
Then Gary and the girls discover a cabin......
A nice, cozy cabin…….how wonderful…hey girls, come on in
No really, come on in, just don’t look behind you. That's a spider looming in the background that I've circled for you....thus the name SPIDER Island.
And here's a close up:
Nope, I never saw that coming either.
Okay, so then just before bedtime, Gary goes out side for some reason, and is immediately attacked by our spider friend...which he manages to unravel from his neck and fire a few bullets into it.
Whoops, too late I guess, because the attack seems to have had some VERY adverse effects on our friend Gary:
but why did Gary turn into a Spider Monster and the other dude just ended up in a big web? *slaps self to stop thinking about PLOT*
The girls all stand around in their underwear and worry about what that shot in the woods meant!
The next morning the girls put their clothes back on (even the stripper) and head out to look for Gary. Well, apparently a spider monster can find a stripper faster than a bunch of dancers can find a spider monster, and Linda bites it.
The girls discover their dead stripper friend and wonder whatever happened to Gary. Oh well, a good catfight will soothe the pain of burying your friends....
And spider monsters end a catfight every time
Now we jump ahead a month to find the girls are running out of food and wondering how they will ever get off the island.
I guess skinny dippin keeps their minds off being close to starvation…..
Unbeknownst to the girls, a small boat is coming ashore. The two men, Bob and Joe, are there to bring supplies to the professor who's been working on the island. Jo goes to find the professor, while Pompadour Bob figures out pretty fast that there are chicks on the island
The few girls keeping their clothes on (for the moment) are on another part of the island and suddenly find the dead spider, Gary's gun, and his bracelet...They meet up with Joe back at the cabin, and pull Gary's gun on him...
Is this how you pretend you HAVEN'T been wearing the same underwear for a month?
and then it’s time for ….DANCING….
somehow, island dancing just isn't right if you don't wear your man-scarf
Bob decides to spread the love among the ladies but Joe only has eyes for Ann. Which for some reason causes a fight.
Bob ends the fight early when he realizes he’s supposed to meeting one of the girls out in the jungle.
Hey..whoa..will you look at the time.....
Joe and the women hear the screams, head out, and Joe fights Gary the Spider Monster. I didn’t include any screen shots because for some reason, all the fights are either filmed too far away to see anything, or in almost complete darkness. Oh well. Close your eyes and picture a shirtless man with a scarf fighting a Spider Monster and you'll get the gist of it.
Put on your scarf and fight me like a man!
Eventually all the girls and Joe meet up at the cabin, and he passes out flares, and they all decide to chase Gary down.
Everyone runs after Gary with their flare, and .soon Gary ends up in….
oh no…wait….could it be…
Gotta love the finality of quicksand.After quicksand I just need one more thing to make this the best movie ever about a spider man monster on a deserted island....
The DVD also features a couple of shorts, as Something Weird Video usually provides us. A music video by Joi Lansing for a song called The Web of Love, and two old fashioned strip teases with spider themes. Yes, spider themes.
You can't see the extras, but you can see the movie at the public domain torrent site for free.
Or look at Deep Discount's Mill Creek buy 1 get 1 free sale....where you can literally get two box sets of 50 MOVIES EACH for the price of one...so that's 100 BAD MOVIES for less than 17.00!!!
*passes out while trying to do the math on that one*
Mill Creek Sale
Just kidding....not all of them are crap, although they may be crappy versions.....the box sets are a good way to pick up a lot of movies for CHEAP. I see that Spider Island is available on the Chilling Classics box set, and the Horror Classics box set looks full of goodness if you don't already own those films. If DDD doesn't give you a complete list of films, look them up on Amazon...they generally do.
Well, I have about 10 days of freedom left, and I'm hoping to watch a lot more films before I need to dig into school again. they'll probably be cheap, chances are they'll be decades old, but they'll always be Fun.