Trog!

Lord knows Mama loves herself some Joan Crawford. Especially her later movies, when the good jobs dried up and Joan found herself making some CLASSIC horror films like Strait-Jacket and Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?  So I'm not sure how I missed out on Trog for so long. It's Joan's last film and possibly her silliest, but no matter - Joan still acts the SHIT out of it.  Which is a pretty neat trick when you consider the monster is basically a dude in a bad monkey mask with a rasta wig attached.

Trog (short for Troglodyte) is discovered by a team of explorers who come across a cave that's never been explored before. And what do they get for their trouble? Killed and attacked by the monkey man in the cheap wig - leaving behind one very traumatized young man and another who decides the smart thing to do is to take his injured friend to see Dr. Brockton (Joan Crawford) an anthropologist and author of the book 'Social Structure in Primates'.

                 You'll feel better if you tell Mommie Dearest all about it....

And of course, the only reasonable reaction Joan has is to go down in the cave and find this monster monkey man for herself:

                                                Joan spelunks.

Joan manages to capture this on camera:

And then the town and the police get involved, and eventually Trog finds his way to the surface - scaring people and just generally causing a commotion. Thank God Joan is there, because she's the only one in the town with a weapon, apparently:

Her tranquilizer gun also makes a neato loud BOOMing noise when she fires it.

Joan takes Troggie back to her lab where they feed him lizards and fish n stuff:

Joan teaches Trog to play with toys while she narrows her crazy Joan Crawford eyes at him:

Booga! (This one's for you, Emily)

And Trog finds out that toys are FUN (pay attention to the FORESHADOWING in this scene.

What I find most nifty about Trog is not that he managed to survive underground all those years, but that somehow, someway, he managed to make himself some SHORTS.

                                                   And furry boots.

But because we need some bad guys in this movie, some people think Trog is bad news and needs to be destroyed. And these two creeps want to see Joan get fired as well.

Which doesn't go down well with Joan:

Sometimes Joan takes Troggie outside and lets him play:

But monsters will be monsters, and eventually there's problems involving a neighbor's dog:

And then Joan has to put on her best pants suit and go defend the Trogmeister:

But Joan has a plan: She invites all her scientist friends over for some Trog's Greatest Home Movies:

 
And then they operate on Trog, then strap him down and make him look at slides of dinosaur bones - which makes Trog remember the good old days, apparently:

What's cool about these scenes is that they appear to be from the Ray Harryhausen/Willis O'Brien made short on dinosaurs from a documentary called The Animal World:
 Which is an extra on the Black Scorpion DVD.   

Evidently the surgery, slides, and trip down memory lane have quite an effect on the Trogster, because after all that, he develops the power of speech.

Or so I have to believe what the scientists say, because I have no Frickin' idea what this monkey is babbling about.

Well, you know movies about monkey men are just never going to end well, and this one is no different. One of the bad dudes decides to break into the lab, get Trog all riled, then let him out to wreak havoc on the locals:

Which he does very well.

                                    Coolest. Monkey. Man. Shot. Ever.

Trog hits the playground....

And now it's time to remember that bit of foreshadowing I pointed out earlier.

Trog takes his prize back to his cave, but Joan aint' having it. She follows Trog in and lays the Smack Down:

                                                      Bad Trog!

And then, as always happens with big monkeys on the loose, the military shows up and puts an end to all the fun:

And there you have it.

I dug Trog. I think probably one viewing was enough - but the movie's easy to watch and if you love the Crawford half as much as Mama does, you'll have fun with it.

I hope nobody picks a movie called Trog intending to take it seriously - so just relax, sit back, and maybe have a Pepsi while you partake in the fun:

After all, Joanie would want it that way.

No more Troglodyte hangers,
Mother Firefly

Pirahna 3-D

I had a rare weekday off today, so I planned an excursion involving corned beef and flesh eating mutant fish. Not at the same time, mind you, but I did find myself at the Brookfield Majestic Ultrascreen (with about five other people, one being Papa Cash) to watch the epic that is:

The reason I mention where I saw this film is because this screen is huge. And I mean HUGE. It's 72 feet wide and three stories tall, according to their website. Sounds neato, right? Well, maybe - but even though I was almost at the back of the theater, I kept finding that I was pushing my head into the back of my seat - trying to get away from the giant King Kong screen that felt like it was trying to sear itself into my brain and brainwash me into buying stock in the Marcus Corporation.  And I didn't even purposely pick the Ultrascreen - I was only there because the theater I usually go to wasn't showing Pirahna in 3-D, and I didn't even realize that the movie was playing on the Ultra.

   

  I left feeling kind of banged around - with a headache and my eyes feeling wore out - so I'm looking forward to seeing this movie again, on the Firefly Ranch home theater.  (I'm finding more and more I prefer my own home movie experience to going to the movies lately).  I'm looking forward to watching it at home so I can see if I can actually, you know, SEE STUFF. 

I realize that pirahna move really fast and are all crazy n shit, and I would imagine if you're being eaten alive in the water by a thousand fish, you're probably not going to be staying real still. Arms and legs are gonna flail and water is going to splash. But I've said it before (most recently with Zombieland) and I'll say it again: SLOW THE FREAK DOWN AND SHOW ME SOME SHIT. 

There were some great shots and some awesome kills (which I define as those that make me laugh out loud)  but there were way more times that I felt like : Huh? Wha? WTF just happened? 

And then I'd try to extricate the back of my head from the permanent indent I made in the seat cushion. 

I am a fan of the original Pirahna, and for the most part, I've sworn off remakes and sequels. But I didn't feel that the original Pirahna was something so sacred it couldn't be touched, and I looked it at more as another movie about killer fish - and Mama is nothing if not a HUGE sucker for monsters in the water films. I love underwater shots, and camera shots that zoom through the water from the monster's perspective make me feel all warm and gooshy inside. 

So even though it was technically a remake - for me, it really didn't feel like one - I felt like they just kept the basic premise and did their own thing. I especially loved the little shout-out to real fans of horror with the cameo by Richard Dreyfuss in the beginning - they didn't stop at just having him in the movie, they added a couple of inside jokes that only fans of Jaws will get.   It was a nice nod to classic horror.

Overall, the movie was heavy on the red stuff  and probably about as gory as they could get away with. I hope the DVD will come unrated with even more goo and body parts. I loved the big carnage scene, and the party scene (boobies included) didn't annoy me too much. I think as far as what we've been offered with  mainstream horror, this was fun.  I just don't know that the 3-D aspect really made it any more enjoyable for me - and it was the big reason I saw it so quickly - because I imagine in a week or two, it'll be replaced by the next thing in 3-D.   And I have seen other films in 3-D and didn't feel so overwhelmed by them.

Sigh. Maybe Mama is just not a kid anymore. (You think? -Capt. Obvious Editor).  But hey, for some escapism on my day off, it fit the bill. None of the acting made me cringe (too much) and Eli Roth's death was pretty sweet. Keep your eyes peeled for the barely-there Greg Nicotero cameo.

Oh, and BTW, Milwaukee, if you haven't been to McBob's for a corned beef sandwich, do yourself a favor and get there pronto.

Here's a link to a blog post singing the praises of McBob's much more eloquently than I could. And with pictures! 

The Changeling

As far as good old fashioned 70's haunted house cream filled goodness goes, you can't do much better than The Changeling. 

Also, you have George C. Scott, smokin' his way through the mystery. This was before people started saying that movies with cigarettes should be rated R. I'd love to see those people tell old Georgie that. 

George is married with kid in this flick, and you know 30 seconds in that they're just way too freaking happy and in love with each other to not be taken down by tragedy before the credits even play.  They smile and laugh as they push their broken down car through the snow, and then Mom and daughter have the AUDACITY to laugh some more while they break out into a good old fashioned snow ball fight while Dad George goes to use the pay phone to call for help.

End to your happy life in 3....2....1..... 

Yeah. Bye bye, happy life, hello, walking slowly and moodily through the credits while you mourn.

George ends up moving, and gets saddled with what must be the least efficient real estate agent ever.  Because when I think 'housing for single widower', immediately I think of:

 Yep. PERFECT for one. single. person.

 Well, whatever, if Old Georgie didn't move in this castle, we wouldn't have a movie, and then I couldn't blog about it with my own special brand of retardedness. And that would be a TRAVESTY.

So George moves in, he mopes, he smokes, and shit starts to happen. Beginning with the old 'loud strange banging noises'  bit.  Which, for whatever reason, always gives me the willies. I often freak myself out at night when I go to bed by imagining what I'd do if that kind of crap started in my house. Because some nights I need a break from imagining what I'd do if zombies tried to get in my house.

Anyway.....

George has enough weird crap going on that he needs to go down to the historical society and investigate the story behind this massive house with the loud banging.  

Here's we get the old 'NOBODY EVAH COULD LIVE IN THAT HOUSE EVAH' bit.

'IT DOESN'T WANT PEOPLE...WHOOOOHAHAHAHAHAHAHA'

Okay, so I added the laugh part....but it was there in my head, anyway.

To which George's response, in true George fashion, is  I'll just have a smoke on yer porch and think about that some:

George learns that a little girl died in the house, but getting more information doesn't make the big banging noises stop:

                             where the hell i'd leave my cigarettes anyway?

Eventually George finds out that the story of this little girl doesn't really explain what's going on in the house, so he starts to investigate the house itself, starting with the attic.

                 At which point I started to hope that what was causing the banging was GIANT KILLER SPIDERS living in the attic. Because nothing would be Kick-Ass Cooler than watching George C. Scott fight GIANT KILLER SPIDERS. 

But - no.

And in true 70's fashion, eventually we have a seance.  What happened to seances in horror movies anyway?

                                  you just KNOW this shit is a bad idea.

I'm not going to give away the mystery, but that everything finally comes to a head as George delves deeper and deeper into the secrets.  

I will give you a hint as to who is haunting the house, though:

 

No matter - it's definitely no match for George 'I'll pull glass out of my own neck' Scott.

It's not a perfect movie - at some point you start to wonder why the ghost is torturing George so much - seeing as though he's working so hard to find out what happened. But I think it's a fun, creepy movie and it does have some moments (like the banging) that are genuinely scary.  Or maybe I'm just nostalgic for haunted house movies. 

Smoke up, Georgie!
Mother Firefly

Defining Moments

If someone were to ask me to show them 30 seconds out of my life that would define my personality and the way I think about life, then I might have to showcase a clip from earlier this week.

I was driving in downtown Milwaukee, and had stopped at a light. Across the street, facing me, on the right side, a blond woman stood waiting for the light to change so she could cross. She looked to be mid 30's, fairly attractive, and dressed casually but neatly. She was alone, and her gaze was fixated across the street, probably on the light, waiting for it to change, probably half daydreaming about something else. Her eyes never wavered from what she was staring at.

The corner was quiet, there weren't many other cars - maybe one on the other side of the street, also stopped for the light, and I didn't see any other pedestrians around.

Except - about 50 feet behind her, slowly shuffling up the street towards the woman waiting on the corner, was a man.

An older man - probably in his 60's, probably homeless, who probably at one time had a stroke that affected the right side of his body. He was walking very slowly, and he too, was staring off into the same direction the woman was.... probably wondering when the light would change and if he would make it to the corner in time.

He wasn't pushing a cart, wasn't carrying a thing, just ambulating slowly - first with the left side of his body ......then dragging the less strong side of his body to catch up with the rest. First left.......then riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.....left.....then riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

The blond woman never moved, her glance never wavered, and she remained (as far as I could tell) oblivious that she may soon be having company on her corner.

All these details came together in my mind in quick order, the woman, the gaze, the man, the shuffle, her oblivion, and then out of my mouth popped the only thing that made sense, I said it, by myself, in the car, and it was out of my mouth before I could even process what I was saying.

"They're coming to get you, BARBARA."

Yes. That is how my brain works EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. Permanently (and happily) seeing the world in Romero-Vision.


Johnny, Stop It!
-Mother Firefly

Psychos In Love

When it comes to movies, most of us have that handful of films that we've watched a dozen times and quote from on a regular basis. Maybe we've even watched them so many times we can recite most of the dialogue along with the movie. (But please don't do this unless you're alone. Note to everyone: This is ANNOYING as F*CK, and nobody wants to hear you and the movie in stereo. NOBODY.)

When I was a kid, my favorite quotable movies among me and my friends were The Sure Thing, Weird Science, and The Big Chill. Not sure why a bunch of fifteen year olds were watching The Big Chill every weekend, but there you have it. In my old life, before nursing school, my co-worker Mandy used to quote Billy Madison to me on a regular basis. (She does a kick-ass Adam Sandler, too, btw. Buy her a margarita and a piece of cake and I'm sure she'll tell you why shampoo is better.) When I'm with my BFFs in Michigan, we like to talk about how we like being COVERED IN BEES.......



Well, I have another one of those quotable faves - except this movie I have nobody to quote it with - or, anyone who gets it if I do quote it.

This movie also eluded me for a very long time. All I had for most of the twenty three (!) years since it came out was a crappy dubbed VHS copy. Then one lucky Saturday I found a used VHS in the Monster Store. (I miss the Monster Store...anyone else in Milwaukee remember the Monster Store?) Then FINALLY a couple of years ago it finally made it to DVD, around the same time that another classic, Student Bodies, was released.

It was my Mom who recommended Psychos to me all those years ago, when she told me she'd just watched a weird movie about a serial killer who hated grapes. She said, and I quote, 'this is your kind of movie'.

She was right. I watched it, fell in love, and probably watched it every weekend during my senior year in high school. I quoted it, I can still quote it now (not that anyone really gives a crap) and I'm relieved that it didn't linger in VHS purgatory forever. (Which is the reason that I still cling to my VCR - I have too many of those films that still haven't made it to DVD)

So, we have Joe:
Who likes to kill women...at random:





We have Kate:

Who likes to kill men....at random:


They're just a couple of crazy psycho kids that meet and fall in love.....and, yes, they both hate grapes.

Not only do they support each other in their.....hobbies, they also team up a few times in order to strengthen their relationship and spend quality time together:


There's also a side story involving a plumber who likes to kill his customers, cut them up, take them home and make them for dinner:


In between all of this, there's lots of over the top blood, gore, and yes, plenty of boobies. There's also songs, some nekkid black-lit dancing, and plenty of jokes regarding the behind the scenes camera men:


Eventually, Joe and Kate's sink backs up - the result of putting one too many bodies down the garbage disposal - and they end up calling a plumber:

Who happens to be the other serial killer in town, and who wants to blackmail Joe and Kate into providing him dinner on a regular basis:


You'll just have to watch the movie to find out how the Psychos in Love handle this little conundrum.

Psychos In Love is probably not a movie for everyone. It's extremely silly and there are a couple of scenes that I even have to fast forward - although if you like naked women shining black light on their boobies, then you may not use the FF button as much as I do. But if you like other horror spoofs like Saturday the 14th, Student Bodies, or even the Scary Movies, you might want to check this one out.

-Mother Firefly