Happy 2009

Well, it's time for my first post of the New Year...and what better to start off with than your basic blaxpoitation grindhouse possessed by the devil movie??

Exactly what I thought, and that's why my first movie of 2009 is .....

ABBY.

I've actually got a few other movies that I need to review, but none of these movies did I covet as much as my very own copy of this movie.

Let's get on with the evilness, shall we??


Our movie opens with Professor Williams, played by William Marshall (Blacula). His students are giving him a going away party before he goes to Nigeria to research African religion, specificially a god named Eshu, who was supposedly big into sex and violence. His students act like ancient religions are silly but give him a big old cross as a going away present anyway.

While there, he discovers some ceremonial vessel associated with the demon, opens it, and lets the demon loose!

Good going, William Marshall!!!!!


And the demon IMMEDIATELY makes it way to the U.S., where Professor Williams' son Reverend Emmett and his wife Abby are busy moving into their new home and getting ready to do the work of the Lord!

Let's see...one happy, religious couple + one meddling father in law stirring up ancient demonic forces = one possession coming right up!

It's not long before we realize the demon has traveled all the way to the U.S. so it can pick on these two.......and we know this because of the weird noises at night, Abby's cold skin, and a bizarre windy attack in the basement while Abby does laundry.... which for some reason is never mentioned AGAIN......

Hurricane - like winds in my basement in the middle of the day? I'll never tell a soul about this!!!!

Abby gets on with her 'wife of a minister' duties, such as singing in the choir, cooking for the church social, and counseling young married couples in the righteous ways of the Lord. But the New and Improved Abby does everything with a whole new flair, gagging so loudly in church she has to be removed, trying to cut her arm off in the kitchen, and announcing to the young bride that not 'all men are created equal' and she (Abby) will be more than happy to take the groom upstairs for a test ride!

Reverend Emmett happens to walk in on this display, and pulls Abby upstairs to ask her what would possess her.....(haha)....and Abby gladly shows him, by announcing she is going to have her way with the Reverend, throws him down on the bed, and proceeds to bitch slap the shit out of him....
Look Abby.......Spirit Fingers!!!!!

Abby also develops one hell of a potty mouth, using words no good preacher's wife would NEVER even dream of using...



Everyone starts to wonder 'What's wrong with Abby?', and after ten or fifteen minutes of wondering and crying about it, they eventually take her to the hospital for tests. Gee, all the tests are negative and all the doctors can suggest is that Abby is probably mentally ill.


Thanks for calling your mothereffin' FATHER!!!!!

Professor Williams returns home from Nigeria and Abby busts out of the hospital, throwing people and equipment out of her way, with her nurse chasing after her, asking her what's she's doing??? I'm going home, bitch!!!!!!!!!

Dad and Jr. Williams arrive back home, only to find Abby waiting for them smiling and full of hospitality. Turns out Abby just really wanted to be there when Daddy Williams came home......because the demon is just dying for a showdown with the good Professor.......Um...okay....so the Professor let the demon free during the dig in Nigeria....and then the demon LEFT and traveled all the way around the world so it could fight him when he got BACK to the States?
Sigh.
Fine! Whatever, let's just go with it.
Plot holes, schmlot HOLES, BITCH!!!!

Abby warns the Prof that the fight is on and that she'll let him know when she's good and ready to get his ass! And then after breaking out of the hospital so she can be there for his return - she leaves. Yep. So she can go.....
DISCO DANCING!!!!!

Because this IS the 70's, however. And just as if this movie had taken place in the early 80's, the demon might have went roller skating.....because it is the 7o's, it heads to the disco. The demon even takes the time to call Abby's husband and lets him know that Abby needs to have a good time. What a considerate demon!
Abby hits the club and proceeds to start racking up the notches in her belt...or maybe she's killing them.....all we really know is that she gets them out in the car and shakin' and smokin' ensues......



Abby moves on to other men, and while she's busy, Dad and Jr Williams (along with Abby's brother) have hit the town trying to find her......even showing her, um, picture around town. Apparently Abby hadn't bothered to have her picture taken, oh, in about TWENTY-FIVE YEARS....


Excuse me, have you seen this four year old?

Eventually the gang track Abby down and confront her, which leads to more swearing, fighting, threats, and eventually William Marshall in a magical dashiki!
Which can only mean one thing.....It's Exorcism Time!!!

And if you've ever seen any movie with a possessed person in it EVER, you have a pretty good idea of how the last fifteen minutes of this movie play out......scary deep voices, foreign languages, floating, chanting, foaming at the mouth, invoking the name of God......oh and don't forget the part where the demon pretends to be the unpossessed person for a few minutes and swears 'they're all right now....'

But our plucky trio continues in the name of Jehovah and eventually they drive the demon out of Abby and back into the box from whence it came....

and then Abby and Emmett celebrate by going on a vacation!

And that, my friends, is the wonder known as ABBY.

I heart this little oddity of a film. I saw it for the first time a few years ago at a horror convention, where I also heard the story of its legal woes. Apparently it came out after The Exorcist and the makers of THAT film felt Abby was too close to their film and successfully sued to keep the film out of theaters. Which is kind of funny now- besides the lead character being possessed by a demon, the movies are fairly different. I have a feeling the producers of The Exorcist just had more money and power behind them and wanted to prevent this movie from taking money from them in some markets.

I loved this movie and have waited about five years for a copy of it- there was a bootleg available from some online retailers but I heard the quality was horrible. Then in October I found out that a new version was due out in November- it was a double feature with a movie called Magdalena. I am sorry to report that the quality of this film is TERRIBLE......and I don't know if they're even able to make a better copy....so in the meantime a crappy version of Abby will have to be better than no version at all. I do hope that someday this film can be restored and we can see it as it was intended......

-Mother Firefly

Bring On the Vampire Hookers

This is one of my fond memories from my mom's video store days. If you've been reading my blog, you'll remember we used to trade movies with another store owner...and this is one of the treats we picked up there. It was also one of the movies featured on Terror on Tape. For years this movie was only a memory to me, until I moved here to Milwaukee. Papa Cash and I went to a video store that was closing off and selling all their inventory (at insanely high prices) but hidden among the overpriced madness was this little gem........and in the wonderful big old box I remembered from my glory days. I bought it and watched it and it was just as wonderful as I'd remembered. I've held on to this gem because I assumed it would NEVER be released again....but praise the DVD gods, I was wrong.

So I ordered myself the double feature of Cemetery Girls/Vampire Hookers...which allows you the choice of watching either film or both back to back with grindhouse trailers and intermission! I chose the second version but hit the fast forward so I could get to the Hooker goodness....

Our movie begins with our heroes, Tom and Terry, sailors on leave looking for a good time. On their way out they run into their captain, who's already headed to the good time he's got planned for himself.....and Captain introduces the duo to his cab driving guide, Julio, who assures the two he can hook them up with anything they want.... but for now the Captain is taking up Julio's time.....


So the two wander around town, looking for a good time, and end up in a bar where Terry ends up walking in on a 'chick' in the men's room.......using the ultilites in an interesting fashion..........which apparently is not enough to clue the dumbass in...


It's a man, baby!

Sadly, our sailor friend is not smart enough to pay attention to SUBTLE clues and a crazy fist fight ensues when Terry figures out his woman has a package he doesn't want....can't have a Vampire Hooker movie without at least one fist fight, now can we? But luckily just as things get hairy, the Captain and Julio drive up in the cab to whisk our heroes out of danger's way....
The wacky foursome hit another bar and spy a beautiful buxom lass at the bar....soon they are arguing about who saw her first and ANOTHER fistfight ensues.....Seriously, ONE fistfight per Vampire Hooker movie is enough!

The Captain, Julio, and the sexy lady all take off in the cab......Captain is thinking he's hit the jackpot until the woman informs him they are going to her home....in the CEMETERY......(cue the music).......Captain is nervous about this proposition but since hormones beat out fear every time, he follows the woman to her tomb....I mean home...


But the Captain has cold feet again and informs he won't be doing it in a coffin! But our sexy friend assures him...

"Coffins are for being laid to rest......not for being laid....."

And they descend down the secret staircase into the catacombs below. And who else is also living downstairs? Why, it's John Carradine and his manservant, Pavo.

El Sexy One is doing her best to charm and seduce her new friend.....who is doing his best to get her to leave and go to a hotel.....when....Johnny C and two new sexies with long teeth wander in. And you can just imagine how this scene ends....
Best death sounds ever.....Ahhhhrrrgggggggahhhhaaaaaahhhhhh

One very odd (seemingly unexplainable) thing about this movie is the continued flatulence of the vampire's manservant, Pavo. He passes gas in pretty much every scene he's in......apparently pretty offensive gas even to the man himself....as after every time he does it, he's frantically waving his hand in front of either his face or his rear end.
I SO wish I was kidding about this.

Meanwhile, in the daylight, our sailor friends are wondering why the Captain never turned up again ...eventually they spy Julio taking another sailor for a ride with our Sexy Friend....and they hire another cab to follow them. Of course, they end up at the cemetery and do some creepin' and spyin' around.

We find that the new sailor has already been dispensed of and is hanging upside down, being bled out. One of the girls is making drinks with a blender from the drippings, and utters one of the best lines in the film.

'I'm so sick and tired of these bloody mary's'

Johnny C invites Pavo to have a drink, who immediately spits it out and goes in a corner to cry about it. Awww. Poor Pavo apparently wants his fangs so badly but can't stand the taste of blood....

Tom makes some noise and the gang is alerted to his prescense. Immediately they go on the chase.....and the chase scenes are highlighted by what is maybe the goofiest chase scene music ever. It sounds like you're listening to some old Nintendo game that is stuck on a loop.....
Boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop......

Terry hears Tom screaming and takes off to help him....soon the gang catches up with them and has the courtesy to introduce themselves before they suck the blood out of the sailors.....after all,
'It's not Murder, It's Dinner!"
Vampire Roll Call!..............Marcy!

Susie!
Cherish!
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiichmond Reed!!

but just as our heroes are due to become dinner, the sun comes up and the vampire gang must flee...and Richmond Reed informs them via poetry, that he will catch up with them again.

Tom says they should tell someone, because that's what you do.....report it to the authorities.....Terry says no but goes along reluctantly....

But somehow Tom and Terry end up convincing the a-thor-a-tays to go out and poke around the tomb...when inexplicably, the cops turn around, leave, and let the tomb shut with Tom inside it.....Tom is trapped with nothing but the sound and stench of Pavo's massive flatulence to keep him company.....

Must be potent stuff, as the next scene finds Tom waking up tied up in a bed surrounded with paintings of a devil like figure gettin' it on with various ladies. It seems that Tom would be dinner but the girls have other plans and beg Richmond to let them have a night of debauchery....

As one of the girls proclaims,

I don't mind being a vampire but this is like being a nun!

Richard relents and the girls rejoice....and suddenly Tom isn't in such a big hurry to go anywhere!
Yay Richmond!

And such begins what is possibly the longest Vampire Hooker Orgy scene on film...although it's pretty tame, and consists of corny 70's background music, kissing, lots of hair flippin', and breasts. Oh- and frequent flashes to the erotic paintings on the walls....just in case we 're not sure of what's taking place in the bedroom....
flip.............
and flip.............
and flip..............
weeeeeeeeeee.....and FLIP!

.....and we're spent.........

Meanwhile, Terry tries various things to save his friend....and eventually gets Julio to take him out to the cemetery....Terry runs into Pavo and the hilarious chase scene music begins again!!! Boop boop boop boop.............

Vampire with a Knife????

Terry clocks Pavo out quite easily but finds the vampire gang closing in on him...
but Terry pulls the ol' makeshift cross trick and corrals the gang back into the crypt, demanding to know where Tom is.

I can't believe this crap actually worked!

And what may be the most bizarre vampire movie ending ever, Pavo awakens from his stupor to find...he's grown fangs! Wait, what? Um, yeah, Pavo has fangs and this causes him to dance around in joyous celebration above the crypt....which causes the crypt to start to fall apart? and many bricks to crumble down on our vampire hookers and crush them? Terry manages to dispense with Richmond and escapes with Tom...into the waiting cab of Julio!


but wait.......
......oh shit!


and wait for it....

double shit!!!!

Feel free to insert your own 'wah wah wahhhhhhhhhh' sound effect here.
And so our movie ends on this COMPLETELY ironic note.

but the best part is yet to come......pictures of our wonderful cast complete with BEST THEME SONG EVER..........

Don't get hooked by a hooker, when you sail in southern seas,
Even though she's a looker, she can bring you to your knees
She''ll take you to the graveyard and try to ease your fears,
but her friends out in the graveyard haven't fed for a hundred yearsThey're VAMPIRE HOOKERS!

Yeah, they're VAMPIRE HOOKERS!

Whoa, they're VAMPIRE HOOKERS!


Blood is not all they suck.......