The Best Thing I Have Seen This Year

What makes this even more wonderful is that it's an actual sign...in that someone hacked a sign on the side of the road and made it say this.

After I laughed my ass off, I realized the only thing that could make this better is if I was driving late at night with my brother J.L. and we actually drove past the sign ourselves.

Then I realized after our applause , about 30 seconds later, the moment would come when we looked at each other and think, 'what if?' And silently we both take an inventory of what can be used as weapons in the car. And then about ten seconds later we look each other again and we know what the other is thinking:

Romero zombies or Resident Evil zombies?

And, yes you are a huge ZOMBIE MOVIE NERD if you thought you'd find yourself doing the same thing.
But at least you're in good company.

When there's no more room in hell,
Mother Firefly

Gettin' Hammered

So my WinterIm class ended today, and I wanted to relax and enjoy what's left of my break, and what better way to do it?
You guessed it, with a marathon of vampire movies from the 1970's!

We'll start with a Hammer film, Scars of Dracula (1970), starring Christopher Lee.

The movie begins with a village finding a dead girl and they just know that Dracula is up to his old tricks. So the men get together and tell the women to go to the church, and go to the castle to kill Dracula.

Not even five minutes and we've already got villagers with torches......

They torch the castle and let it burn and for some reason spare Dracula's henchman. But when they return to the church, they find all is not well and all the women are dead.
Meanwhile, in another village, Simon and Sarah are celebrating her birthday. Nothing could spoil the happy day except.....where is that brother of Simon's at, Paul? Turns out he's in the bed of some nubile young chick and just now realizing he's late to the party.....just as he's leaving, nubile young chick's dad comes home and is none too happy to find Paul there....
Paul escapes and arrives at the partyto drop off his gift, a portrait of Sarah that he has taken. but just as he gives it to her, he decides it's not perfect and takes it back so he can fix it. Paul also has to be on the run as mad dad is still on his tail....Paul goes to the next village and ends up flirting with yet another young woman.....when her father interrupts them and tells him to leave. Paul figures that maybe the people in that castle over there will be friendlier, so he goes there.

Turns out some real nice people live there named Dracula and Tania. Wow, they seem really cool, and of course Paul can spend the night there. Paul can't believe his luck at finding such a nifty castle and nice people to stay with. He can't wait to tell his family and friends back home.
While Paul is settling in his room, Dracula takes a little.....restitution from Tania.Dracula and Tania sitting in a tree...............................
S - U-C- K - I - N- G!

Later, Tania shows up in Paul's room, telling him she is a prisoner and needs his help to escape....and then ten seconds later wants him to do the dirty with her. So which is it? Oh well, maybe there's time for both....

But like any good vampire woman, it turns out she only really wants one thing-

Evidently you don't cheat on Count D

Paul gets locked in his room and eventually escapes to another part of the castle...where he finds that his host is safely tucked away in his casket!

Dracula's henchman discovers Paul's picture of Sarah and decides she is one hot property.

Sarah and Simon get worried about what's happened to Paul and decide to go looking for him. Eventually angry people in the next town finally let them know that Paul went over to that big old castle....

Sarah is not feeling well when they make it to the castle, and Dracula is MORE than happy to set them up for the night. Although he denies that Paul ever made it there.

Just let me take your bags.

Simon is suspicious, Sarah wears a cross, and Dracula needs his henchman to remove it so he can get down to business. But henchman recognizes her as his crush from the photograph, and refuses to do it. Eventually Sarah and Simon escape, and finally get some answers from the local priest, who offers to keep Sarah safe while Simon goes off and kills that menace Dracula once and for all.

Simon goes back to the castle, finds Dracula and also his dead brother nailed up to a wall. At the same time, the priest is attacked, and Sarah runs off to the castle to find Simon. But Dracula finds her first, and pulls the ol' let me hypnotize you......but whoops, Sarah still has that pesky old cross around her neck.

We all run around the castle a lot, Dracula gets his pet bat to pull the cross off Sarah, Simon attempts to run a iron stake through Dracula's heart, which D just pulls right out....but as he starts to throw it back at Simon, lucky lightning strikes it, D catches on fire, and falls off the castle. Wow. How's that for serendipidty?
Don't worry....(because I know you are!) that my festival ended here.....I've got a few more bloodsucking hits from the 70's coming your way..........
Mother Firefly

MUST. WATCH. ALL. THE. MOVIES. I CAN.

In continuing with our movie streak of late (while realizing my free evenings in which to attend movies are going to be downsized in a matter of a weeks) and also wanting to see as many possible Oscar nominated movies as possible, myself and Papa Cash took in a couple more films this week.








1. The Something Something about Benjamin Button

I can't be bothered to look up the actual title. Because the people who made this movie couldn't be bothered to actually ENTERTAIN me. So na-nee, movie people.

I will say this movie had a couple of firsts for me - the first time I've seen aging makeup used so effectively, and also the first time I took a break to refill the popcorn and the drink AND ask the counter guy- 'Dude, How LONG is this Benjamin Button movie anyway?' At this point we were past the 90 minute mark and I saw no end in sight. Smart counter dude said something like, 'Oh, it's about two hours...or two hours and something.'
Truer words never spoken my friends, the movie was INDEED two hours and ..something...which very closely approximated to THREE hours.

Now.
My opinions/views on movies that last over 85 minutes have been pretty clearly stated. But I don't whine or bitch when movies are 100, or even 120 minutes.... but when you start creeping up on the 180 minute mark, you better have something fun for me to watch while you start taking away hours of my life that ain't never coming back.
This is how I feel about this movie. I can't possibly ruin anything about it for you. Because-
If you already know that this is a movie where Brad Pitt starts out old and ages backward- then guess what- you know what happens.
You get to sit in a dark theater and watch that happen. For Three Hours.

I suggest a snack. Maybe a couple. A blanket and a pillow.

2. The Unborn

I will say that the Unborn is kind of a hot mess, but it's not without at least some fun aspects and some very creepy film imagery. When I go see a contemporary mainstream horror movie, I pretty much step in the door with very low expectations. I hope to see at least a few creepy images that I need to shake off, and that's about it.

The Unborn actually has quite a few- that are used rather effectively. That's why it's kind of a bummer that they didn't work on their story more - there were quite a few times during this when I kind of saw a good horror movie peeking through there. Unfortunately it didn't last long, and mostly got tripped up by the plot.

I won't list the plot holes here, just to say that some of them are kind of sneaky. At first, you don't realize they don't make sense. But there's this little teeny tiny tickle at the back of your mind....and then five minutes later, you're saying, heyyyyyyyyyy wait just a minute................

3. Appaloosa (Blu-Ray)

I think my inability to enjoy spy (or war) movies might also have something to do with my lack of interest in westerns as well. Or maybe it's just because I have girl parts. Anyway, I usually could give a frig about watching most westerns (except for Tombstone, and who doesn't love TOMBSTONE HELLO)
But I read something about this which made me want to check it out, so I Neflixed it. Ed Harris stars and directs and also co-wrote the screenplay (adapted from another source). Ed and Viggo Mortensen are on the side of the law, and Jeremy Irons is not. Renee Zellweger shows up as a love interest. (Can someone tell me what happened to that woman's FACE? It looks.....odd)
Anyway, it was entertaining.....after Ben what's his face, my standards are low to have something....ANYTHING...happen in a movie....but if you like any of these actors or just westerns in general, I'd check it out.

4. Pan's Labryrinth (Blu-Ray)

I have seen this twice before, once at the Oriental (where Doug Jones showed up and SIGNED MY HELLBOY DVD THAT I HAD STASHED IN MY PURSE OMG)
and once at home, but the 3rd time on Blu-Ray was just was magical and amazing as the first. I can't say how much I love this movie, and I have to nominate Guillermo Del Toro as possibly my favorite director in terms of listening to him talk about his work. (although I'll immediately watch an HG Lewis movie followed by his commentary on the film)
I remember being interested in what he had to say during the extras on Blade II, for crying out loud- and I didn't even know who the dude WAS. He obviously has a lot of insight into what he does and why, and more importantly, he can articulate that extremely well. He needs to write a book. About himself, movies, I don't care, I'll read it.

Oh The Horrors

Today I have the pleasure of presenting one of my Christmas presents:
The Horrors of Spider Island.
Courtesy of my mother. Thanks, Mom!
I had seen this movie a few years ago on another set of movies....it's public domain and easily found. But I wanted the Something Weird version of this movie- they do a great job and their extras are always fun.

And they didn't let me down.








For some reason my movie is called this in the credits.
I dunno why.

The movie starts in an office where producers are casting dancers for a job in Singapore.

The office is filled with hopeful girls with great hair and stunning outfits who all want to go overseas and be dancers. As we all do!

The auditions begin, and these producers are so good at what they do, they don’t even need to see the girls actually dance to know if they can use them or not! Apparently you can just tell from looking at someone’s legs.

Looks like she knows how to dance for sure!

The one chick that does dance –ballet- is told she’s a great dancer but, sadly, they don’t need her. Wait, what?

Then a stripper comes in and gets down to business. Doesn’t dance a step.

Gets the job. Starting to see a pattern here.

Obviously a world class EXPERT dancer.

Our last contestant actually gets asked to DANCE, of all things. So she does a little thing that involves kicking and her dress flipping up, and wow, I guess she must be really good, she gets the job.

The next thing we know, we’re on a plane to Singapore. Oh whoops, I guess we’re not gonna make it there because the plane is going down.

Plane crash --> lifeboat -->wash up on beach.

Gary and the girls decide to take a walk around the island, where they find a hammer...with a long handle...which Gary deduces must be for mining...uranium!!!
Then Gary and the girls discover a cabin......

A nice, cozy cabin…….how wonderful…hey girls, come on in
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT????

No really, come on in, just don’t look behind you. That's a spider looming in the background that I've circled for you....thus the name SPIDER Island.

And here's a close up:

After web and dead body cleanup.....

The stripper says she can’t take the heat anymore and so the inevitable happens.
Nope, I never saw that coming either.

Okay, so then just before bedtime, Gary goes out side for some reason, and is immediately attacked by our spider friend...which he manages to unravel from his neck and fire a few bullets into it.
Whoops, too late I guess, because the attack seems to have had some VERY adverse effects on our friend Gary:
but why did Gary turn into a Spider Monster and the other dude just ended up in a big web? *slaps self to stop thinking about PLOT*

The girls all stand around in their underwear and worry about what that shot in the woods meant!
The next morning the girls put their clothes back on (even the stripper) and head out to look for Gary. Well, apparently a spider monster can find a stripper faster than a bunch of dancers can find a spider monster, and Linda bites it.

The girls discover their dead stripper friend and wonder whatever happened to Gary. Oh well, a good catfight will soothe the pain of burying your friends....

And spider monsters end a catfight every time

Now we jump ahead a month to find the girls are running out of food and wondering how they will ever get off the island.

I guess skinny dippin keeps their minds off being close to starvation…..

Unbeknownst to the girls, a small boat is coming ashore. The two men, Bob and Joe, are there to bring supplies to the professor who's been working on the island. Jo goes to find the professor, while Pompadour Bob figures out pretty fast that there are chicks on the island

The few girls keeping their clothes on (for the moment) are on another part of the island and suddenly find the dead spider, Gary's gun, and his bracelet...

They meet up with Joe back at the cabin, and pull Gary's gun on him...

Soon we all figure out who’s on the island, who’s dead, and that the girls can go home on the ship coming the next day…and then…..the girls decorate their bras and undies with flowers….


Is this how you pretend you HAVEN'T been wearing the same underwear for a month?

and then it’s time for ….DANCING….

somehow, island dancing just isn't right if you don't wear your man-scarf

Bob decides to spread the love among the ladies but Joe only has eyes for Ann. Which for some reason causes a fight.

Bob ends the fight early when he realizes he’s supposed to meeting one of the girls out in the jungle.

Hey..whoa..will you look at the time.....

One of the girls follows him but apparently Gary the Spider Monster has found him first…and she is soon to follow....

Joe and the women hear the screams, head out, and Joe fights Gary the Spider Monster. I didn’t include any screen shots because for some reason, all the fights are either filmed too far away to see anything, or in almost complete darkness. Oh well. Close your eyes and picture a shirtless man with a scarf fighting a Spider Monster and you'll get the gist of it.

Put on your scarf and fight me like a man!

Eventually all the girls and Joe meet up at the cabin, and he passes out flares, and they all decide to chase Gary down.

Everyone runs after Gary with their flare, and .soon Gary ends up in….
oh no…wait….could it be…

YESSSSSS! QUICKSAND!!!!

Gotta love the finality of quicksand.

After quicksand I just need one more thing to make this the best movie ever about a spider man monster on a deserted island....

SCORE!

The DVD also features a couple of shorts, as Something Weird Video usually provides us. A music video by Joi Lansing for a song called The Web of Love, and two old fashioned strip teases with spider themes. Yes, spider themes.

You can't see the extras, but you can see the movie at the public domain torrent site for free.
Spider Island

Or look at Deep Discount's Mill Creek buy 1 get 1 free sale....where you can literally get two box sets of 50 MOVIES EACH for the price of one...so that's 100 BAD MOVIES for less than 17.00!!!
*passes out while trying to do the math on that one*
Mill Creek Sale

Just kidding....not all of them are crap, although they may be crappy versions.....the box sets are a good way to pick up a lot of movies for CHEAP. I see that Spider Island is available on the Chilling Classics box set, and the Horror Classics box set looks full of goodness if you don't already own those films. If DDD doesn't give you a complete list of films, look them up on Amazon...they generally do.

Well, I have about 10 days of freedom left, and I'm hoping to watch a lot more films before I need to dig into school again. they'll probably be cheap, chances are they'll be decades old, but they'll always be Fun.

Mother Firefly

Vacayshon is Ovah....Almost....Again.....

Well, my longest break since beginning nursing school is coming to an end. If I didn't know by looking at the calendar, I'd know by my dreams last night.....had a classic 'missed my first day of school' one last night. I went back to my old job and started working like nothing was different...then looked at the clock and realized I'd missed my first day back. NICE. Love those dreams.

I'm taking a WinterIm class during the next two weeks that starts in two days. I've been highly tempted to drop it, but it's hard to deny how nice it is to finish a 3 credit class in two weeks. So I will take it. The book came today so I guess I gotta start reading it.

I should have a week off inbetween that and the new 'Spring' semester....and then things will really be picking up in the first or second week of February. I'll be starting my new clinicals and my new position as a TA and taking three classes.

On the kitty-kat front, Chance is back with us for a while. He did not adjust well to life at the store where he was being put up for adoption. He did get neutered, vaccinated, and tested..and everything was fine physically....but everyone felt that he needs time to adjust to being a housekitty again before he can be adopted. So he's back here for a while and we're letting him roam around more than before so he can see what it's like to live in a house in real life.


I've watched a few movies lately......and finished Season 4 of Lost. VERY happy to see they threw in a good old fashioned Sayid kick ass-a-thon for your girl in those last couple of episodes. Thank You, people who make Lost.

I'm not going to take the time to do a big review on any of these, but this is what I've been watching lately.

Elvis Marathon:
I bought myself for CHEAP a 4 movie Elvis set at Target. Elvis movies are somewhat interchangeable.
I mean, we know going in that the following criteria are sure to be met:

1) Elvis will be able to break into song and/or dance with OR without the need or benefit of a backing band,
2)Elvis' hair will be a not-found-in-the-natural-world shade of black and at least 97% of it will NOT MOVE for the entire movie
3)Elvis will also break into a fight at least once (and in Kissin' Cousins', where Elvis plays two parts, he will even fight himself! BEST. Elvis. Fight. EVER)
4) Elvis will fall for a chick who doesn't want him at either the beginning or midway through the movie, while every other female in a 50 mile radius will be fainting over him
5)Elvis will always be preternaturally pretty. It's true. Elvis quit making movies before he got tubby and too drugged out.
6)Elvis is prone to smacking women on the behind.

When I was a kid, one of our local stations played 4 o'oclock movies on weekdays. A lot of times, they were theme weeks, like Godzilla movies, or killer animal movies. Elvis theme weeks happened A LOT. When I was really young (pre-kindergarten), I could never figure out why the people in the movie didn't call Elvis Elvis. I guess I thought that the movies were just people filming Elvis having different adventures. Which kind of makes the movies funnier on a whole other level when you think about it.

I've made it through 3 out of the 4 in my set: Girl Happy (I picked this set because this movie was on it and it is my favorite Elvis movie....although not much happens to distinguish it from other Elvis movies), Kissin' Cousins, and Tickle Me. I still have Live a Little, Love a Little left to go. It's a great set I picked up at Target for about 8 bucks.....and you can't go wrong at 2.00 per Elvis movie. A bargain, indeed.

Here are some other films I've been watching lately (a lot of them at the theater, we've been back in full swing again)

Savage Streets
Another film I picked up lately that I kinda sorta remembered from my youth but not real well. but I'm sure everyone knows by now, I heart the crap out of a good down and dirty female revenge film. I also have a huge soft spot in my little black heart for Linda Blair. Perhaps its because she was responsible for scaring me so bad in The Exorcist. I was going to do a full on review of this awesome movie, but I decided to skip it since I haven't done it already.
It's also fun because it's soooooo dated and filled to the brim with cliches like the oldest high schoolers in the world, girl cat fights in the shower (check out the two naked girls seemingly fighting for no reason behind the two main characters fighting for a good reason...a boy of course) and it'll leave you wondering just how in the heck Linda Blair maintained such nipple hardness under her shirts for so long. I mean, you CANNOT miss them, even if you want to. Go ahead and try. I dare you.

This is probably the ultimate edition of this fun film- two discs filled with interviews and commentaries. I also heard a rumor that the company that put this out may have went out of business? I can't substantiate that but if you're interested in picking it up, you may want to do it sooner rather than later.

Twilight
Okay, you are either gonna want to see Twilight or not. If you get all horned up at the prospect of some sexy vampire sweeping you off your feet, (and there are PLENTY that do, trust me) then by all means....go see this. I was afraid it'd be loaded with MTV style editing but I was relieved to find it wasn't. It's a guilty pleasure movie right up there with Roadhouse and Showgirls. Although, like 99% less skanky. And no Patrick Swayze.

Slumdog Millionaire
A GREAT film. Danny Boyle does it again. Go, Danny, go. I'm crossing my fingers for Oscar time.

Yes Man
The most enjoyable thing I've seen Jim Carrey do in a long time. Not the best Jim Carrey by far, but I was amused.

Quantum of Solace
I'll just state two things. One-Daniel Craig is a smoldering smolderer with the best of them. Two-I am missing the part of the brain that would allow me to enjoy and understand spy movies. I was also sitting under the heat vent at the theater and I got realllll sleeeeeeeeeeeepy. Stuff happened. Things blew up and Daniel Craig ran around. I napped.

Four Christmases
This is kind of like Twilight in that you either want to see Vince Vaughn movies or you don't. I happen to be in the 'do want' category. I laughed.

Seven Pounds
I knew just about zero going into this film and I think, besides Will Smith, that was a lot of the reason I wanted to see this. How often does THAT happen? Trailers ruin a lot of movies for me. So it was kind of cool to walk into a theater and have very little idea of what was going to happen.....so I'll just leave it at that and not speak about the plot. I will say it was an interesting concept but also a movie that unfolded very. slowly. At one point it did kind of feel like I'd been in the theater a very long time, but I was still interested in how it was going to turn out. I will say if you are expecting joking happy Will Smith, this is not the film - the character he plays is more on par with I Am Legend-only probably even more serious.

I think that's it for now....in the next couple of weeks, before school gets into full swing, I hope to get to a few more.

Mother Firefly