Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers - 20th Anniversary of Best Titled Movie Ever?

20 years? How did I manage to go 20 years without ever laying my eyes on this little piece of B-Movie 80's insanity?


The title pretty much tells you everything you need to decide if this the kind of story you want to hear more about. We also have a religious cult, a runaway (played by Linnea Quigley), and the private investigator (complete with cheesy voice over) who stumbles on to the cult while looking for Linnea.

I won't try to pretend that this Fred Olen Ray film is a masterpiece of cinema, but I will point out some of the things that make this movie a fun way to spend your evening. (Although liberal amounts of alcohol wouldn't hurt either)




Fun 80's Hair:
Is that Rod Stewart in drag?


Girls with chainsaws!

Signs in case you get lost:

And even a handy dandy Public Service Announcement:
Always, ALWAYS, protect your black velvet paintings of The King before you engage in chainsaw madness.

And, of course, more blood and boobies than you can shake a stick at!

Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers may not be an epic piece of cinema, but it does go back to a time when people were willing to make a movie and not take themselves so GD seriously. Not that I don't appreciate serious horror - but I also appreciate people who have fun with the genre as well. The quality of the movie, unfortunately, is terrible (there's a disclaimer at the beginning apologizing for that) and I could have done without the cheesy detective voice overs, but overall it's fun and a good example of what cheesy independent horror was like in the 80's.

Also -I have to raise my glass to these women. These ladies look like they're hauling around the real deal in this movie - you can tell by the way they lift and move these suckers (and the amount of smoke) that they were doing it the old fashioned way. Tell me that you'd see any of our A-list (or B-list) actresses of today slinging around a real chainsaw. We'd either get a CGI version or a stunt double.

I also have something to mention that is completely off the subject - but I was reminded of it when I sat down to write this review - as I picked up this DVD (for five bucks, of course!) last year during the biannual Deep Discount DVD sale. For about the last six or seven years, I've bought a fair amount of movies through DDD. Their prices have always been good, they have free shipping, and they're always running sales. I especially look forward to their twice a year 20% off sales (which was actually 25% off the last time). November is one of the times they run it, so I was looking forward to picking up some box sets and a few other films that I didn't want to pay full price for (big surprise there).

I'm also a huge fan of Mystery Science Theater, and I've been collecting the box sets since they started - and I usually buy them during this particular sale at DDD. About a month ago, I logged on to my account to see which set I bought last time, and to see how many sets had come out since then.

I was pretty shocked to find that all the MST3K sets on DDD were over 55 bucks - sets that used to run around 35-38 dollars. Then - a few weeks later when it was time for the sale to start - DDD announced the sale by saying everything was 40% off - and no need for a coupon code this time! Needless to say, 40% off meant that the sets were right around their usual cost - maybe a couple of dollars cheaper, but not even close to the price I'd been paying.

I can't really be mad at DDD for not running the same sale - but what I am pissed about is how they raised all the prices two weeks before the 'sale' - and then announced that everything was 'on sale'. Now that the sale is over with - the sets are varying in price from 36 to 54. Looking at the prices of other movies on my wishlist, some are slightly more expensive - some are cheaper (!)- and some are exactly the same.

I don't know how DDD came up with the 40% off everything - and what prices they starting from before they subtracted 40% off - but I'm really disappointed by what's been one of my favorite places to order movies until recently. But in the last year, I've found myself going with Amazon for better deals. I hope that this company can get it together and be a little more straight forward with their 'sales' and their pricing.

My two cents,
Mother Firefly

El Chupacabra!!! (A Day of Great Art!)

I spent last Saturday at the awesome Art Vs. Craft Show here in Milwaukee, and came home with a few really cool goodies. The show calls itself 'an alternative market for innovative and handmade work'. I've been to it three times since it started a few years ago, and it never disappoints.




Behold, the Chupacabra!


This was my graduation present from a good friend who I attended the show with :)

Courtesy of Christina Ward Creatures.

Let me tell you, this woman makes all kinds of fabulous creatures including feral cats) and her monsters were selling like hotcakes at this show. I lost track of the number of people I saw carrying around a Chupacabra at the show. And she also sells them to you in these fabulous t-shirt bags (t-shirts that she cuts and sews to make bags with handles- mine came in a Megadeth tshirt/bag, of all things). Unfortunately, her Etsy shop is empty now, but hopefully she'll have items for sale again soon.

I also got this great messenger bag by Jimbot:
Trust me, my photography is not doing it justice. It's comfy to carry, it's freaking HUGE and it has pockets on the sides, and zippered pockets inside.

Not only does he make great bags (I carried this today and I'm not sure how I managed to live without it until now - where have you been all my life, Jimbot??) but he's a fabulous artist. His paintings are beyond yummy.

I'll definitely be looking to pick up some of these soon.
Go to his website and check out his gallery, etsy shop and blog.

I also picked up some awesome zombie prints from Matt Cipov:
You can buy this and other great zombie prints at his Etsy shop here.

Plus - when I bought the zombie prints, he gave me a free sticker with a zombie on it that says 'Ask Me About My Zombies' (!!!!)

I was so pumped to see so much how much scary/horror/sci-fi art was available at the show. Can't wait for the next round.

In the not-scary category, I also picked up a great set of really yummy soaps from Biggs and Featherbelle.
If you check out products on their website, and wonder if something smells good, trust me, IT DOES. It's a small company run by two sisters (mom was also at the show this weekend). They also do shows all over the country - so check here to see if they'll be in your city anytime soon.

Support an artist for the holidays - zombie prints for everyone on your Christmas list!

Rarr!
Mother Firefly

Boris Karloff Blogathon

Did you enjoy the Boris Karloff Blogathon? I hope you went to Frankensteinia: The Frankenstein Blog to check out the list of bloggers and read the entries.

As I said recently, horror movies and their classic icons are a huge part of my childhood - and Boris Karloff is one of those people that I don't remember a time when I didn't know who he was. There have been so many great contributions and fantastic essays from some wonderful bloggers out there -that I don't know that I have much that's new or interesting to add to the conversation.

But since Mr. Karloff is such a big part of my childhood memories - I thought I'd focus on that and talk about my favorite memories of him and his movies in my life.



1. Frankenstein
Yes- pretty obvious. Besides just how wonderful the film is, Boris Karloff and his portrayal of the monster are associated with one of my absolute favorite monster memories of very early childhood. I've mentioned several times how my mom and I used to spend our Saturday afternoons watching Sir Graves Ghastly host classic horror movies. I don't know how old I was when this started, but I do know by the age of four, I was as familiar with the stories of Dracula, Frankenstein, The Wolfman, and The Mummy as I was with the characters on Sesame Street.

One of my absolute favorite memories of those times was when I was watching Frankenstein with my mom, and the famous scene with the little girl and the flowers came on. My mom explained to me that the monster didn't intend to hurt her, that the monster wasn't actually mean - and that everything he did in the film had to do with how people treated him like a monster based on how he looked. This must have really affected me because for one) I still remember the conversation, and two) I wasn't really ever afraid of the monster. (Remember the list of scary things under my bed? Notice that Dr. Frankenstein's creation wasn't listed...)


In fact, my mother's explanation had the opposite affect on me - and to this day I feel all warm and fuzzy when I see that big old guy with the bolts in his head. It's probably why I used to collect 'Frankensteinia' and also why a really good way to make me cry is to make me watch the scene in The Monster Squad when Phoebe and the Monster join hands. Makes my little black heart go squee every time.

I'm sure it also made me aware for the first time that things are going on in films that we don't always notice at first glance. I'm not sure why my mom felt the need to explain this to a four year old, but I'm very glad that she did. Not only did it give me a great memory that I still cherish, but I'm sure that it also led me to start looking for more under the surface in films - espcecially horror films - and I'm sure it's a big part of why I'm writing this blog today.


Karloff's voice alone is the reason for at least two more of my favorites from childhood:

2. Mad Monster Party:














3. The Grinch That Stole Christmas:



















4. The Boogie Man Will Get You:

Once upon a time I was a very poor college student earning my first degree. Those were the days of bologna sandwiches and ramen noodles for dinner, and also the days of a very ancient VHS player that loved to act up on me right when I needed it the most. Take, for instance, the night that some cable station was running a marathon of Peter Lorre movies, so I put a new tape in the player and left it to go all night long. The next day, I had a great time watching the Lorre-athon, but especially I really got into the last film that they played, which starred Lorre and Karloff. Until - the tape suddenly stopped and I realized that I'd been foiled again by my electronic piece of crap.
I searched for this movie for years - and somewhere along the way even forgot the name of it. All I had to go by was that Lorre and Karloff were in it, and that Lorre kept a kitten in his pocket that he seemed to have put there absentmindedly. Finally (God Bless IMDB) I was able to rent it, but only after it being on my most wanted list for a decade. Not too many unfinished films have plagued me in this way and for so long.

5. Black Sabbath:






This was a Christmas present about five years ago (from my mom, of course!). I ended up being alone on Christmas night and I decided to watch this. It went perfectly with a winter's night. I thougth it was deliciously creepy and the segment with Karloff was the scariest.





Please check out the fabulous list of bloggers and their posts on Boris Karloff on Frankensteinia: The Frankenstein Blog.

The Boris Karloff Blogathon

The Boris Karloff Blogathon starts today!







Go to the Frankenstein: the Frankensteinia Blog to check out its AWESOMENESS and also see the list of participants.

I'll be posting my own contribution soon...

Love,
Mother Firefly

Trick R Treat

Wasn't able to rent it on Netflix since it came out.

Couldn't find it in Best Buy the week it came out.

Finally broke down and bought the dang Blu-Ray on Amazon last week.

Worth Every Penny.

Gorgeous, creepy, beautiful - a perfect movie for Halloween.

Yes, my cheap ass aka Grad Student (but not for much longer!!) actually spent over five dollars for a movie. You can clutch your chest now and tell Elizabeth you're coming to join her, Honey!


You get a gold star and mucho love from me if you get that,
-Mother Firefly

Trilogy of Terror or, Scary Things Come In Little Packages

Trilogy of Terror. I'm not sure it's so appropriately named. While it's cool to see Karen Black play four different roles in the three short stories - I think a better title would be:

Two Stories that are So-So and One That WILL SEAR ITSELF ONTO YOUR BRAIN, ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE FIVE YEARS OLD.

Because we all know, Trilogy of Terror is really about this dude right here:Booga. Nuff said.

I never actually saw this movie until just a couple years ago. But I'd still list this little turd as one of the absolute scariest things I ever saw as a kid. Because, one night, cuddled in bed with my mom, I saw the friggin' advertisement for this movie on the TV. That's all I ever needed.

One scene = scarred for LIFE.

I was so completely, utterly EFFING scared out of my skull, that I don't even know how I saw that and CONTINUED TO LIVE. Seriously. I already knew at five that the underneath of my bed was totally filled with monsters. Yep, Dracula, Wolfman, Mummy, and the mean monkeys from Planet of the Apes all lived down there, just waiting to get me. And that's why I slept with my back to the edge of the bed - because then they could only WATCH - turn over, and you're dead meat, buddy. (I know it's twisted logic - consider it a view into how the five year old brain works)

So here now I had a whole new monster to join the others - one WHO WOULD FIT DOWN THERE PERFECTLY. With his little weapons. Just waiting.

While I'm not scared of him any more - in fact, I watch this and think about how I'd take down 12 inches of possessed Zuni Fetish Warrior. Cause, hey, you never know, and some days I need a break from outlining my zombie survival plan.

Although, I have to admit the final scene is pretty chilling. (And you will just have to watch it on the outside chance that you don't know what I'm talking about).

So, in a nutshell, ToT is really a Trilogy, featuring three stories all titled with a different woman's name (or names), and all the women are played by Karen Black. The first two stories have interesting plots - but they barely get started before, boop, they're over.

If the third story didn't feature our creepy little friend here - and I suspect that the reason it's persisted in popularity has a LOT to do with memories similar to mine - I don't know that I'd be watching it, let alone buy it.

But Yay! We do have our creepy little friend, and even though he was almost the death of me, that initial terror is now among my myriad of happy memories of being completely, utterly terrified by monsters in the movies.

As I was writing this review, I wondered if maybe..just maybe......

YES!!!! DO FRIGGING WANT!!!!!
Available at Amazon, kids:
I could not put this on my wish list fast enough.

Don't forget to look under the bed,
Mother Firefly

Attack of the 50 Ft Memories

I think I probably started watching horror films the day I was born.

My childhood memories go back quite far - I can remember things that happened well before I started school. I don't remember the first horror movie I saw - in fact, I don't remember not knowing who Bela Lugosi, Boris Karloff, and Vincent Price were. (I also don't remember not knowing who Elvis was, but that's a story for another day).

Consquently, I don't remember the first time I saw Dracula, Frankenstein, Wolfman, Hammer films - the list goes on. They just have been always a part of my life and the beginning of awareness of when my life started. And that makes me pretty damn happy.


But for whatever reason, I DO remember the first time I saw the Attack of the 50 Ft. Woman. I also remember my mom announcing with great excitement that it was going to be on TV. Also extremely unusual for me, is that I remember most of the plot as well. I'm not sure why the first time I saw this particular movie is so memorable to me - and for whatever reason, I haven't had the opportunity to see it in a very long time.

I also remember asking my mom (probably more than once) where the heck the 50 ft woman was when the movie started. Yes, my short attention span was already well in place. Show me the monsters, bitches!!!!


Our movie begins with the evening news and the report of some 'strange red fireball' that's been making its way around the planet.

Using sophisticated state of the art 'Finger Technology', the reporter shows us on his trusty globe all the places that the fireball has been seen, and then just by dragging his finger from the last place it was seen to North America, he's somehow able to tell us the exact time it will show up in our country.
The reason you don't see this spage age technology anymore is because the government bought it so they can use it in secret.

The movie wastes no time getting to the action as we see Nancy Archer (Allison Hayes) driving and screaming down the road. Guess this is what has her all messed up:

And this ain't helping matters either:

She runs back to town to find the sheriff and tell everyone what she's seen- of course nobody believes her. She also thinks that the giant tried to take the huge diamond around her neck. They just want to give her some coffee. You know us women, if we get upset, we're probably just drunk!

Then we find out what set her off to begin with - her jerk of a husband Harry (William Hudson) is at the local bar playing kissy face with his girlfriend, Honey (Yvette Vickers):

We also find out in short order that Nancy: has 50 million dollars, and has been in a sanitarium at least once. Well, you know what that means! Harry and his girlie friend decide in order to be together, all they need to do is just push her over the brink, lock her in 'the nuthouse', and then they can be together and enjoy Nancy's money. But they decide to play it all low key - which explains EXACTLY why they're discussing their plan in a crowded bar hanging all over each other.

The doctor comes in the morning, says it's all due to 'mental exhaustion' and alcohol, prescribes drugs and says another trip to the sanitarium would probably kill her. But somehow I'm not too worried about Nancy, a chick that dresses this great isn't going to have the wool pulled over her eyes easily:

Oh, look it's time for the news again:This man is completely incapable of connecting the dots.

Hey, it's the same dude with the magic finger! But now he's got some REAL news, he's reporting that Nancy (who we find out has the Star of India Diamond around her neck) is seeing flying saucers and alien giants! But, he reassures us, it's probably nothing - it's probably just a side effect of all the DRINKING she does.

Uh - didn't this dude just tell us that a big flying FREAKING FIREBALL was directly on its way to us???

Nancy decides she needs to prove to everyone that she's not crazy or drunk. She tells her butler to get the car and her revolver, because we're going on an alien hunt!
No surprise, they're successful:I'm sure at this point, the preschooler me was all, That is NOT a fifty foot LADY!!!!

Well, turns out I still had to wait through the rest of the story which involves radioactivity (because of course it does, things are growing out of control, people!)

And then we see a REALLY big hand......and Nancy's crack medical team deciding the only thing they can do is chain her up and sedate her.Finally, FINALLY, after more sedatives and nursing care and blaming all of Nancy's issues on reaching the 'age of maturity' (YES! GO MENOPAUSE!!!!) and an investigation of the spaceship which leads to cool shots like this:


Yes, FINALLY, in the whole last TEN MINUTES of the movie, we're rewarded with a REAL. LIVE. FIFTY. FOOT. WOMAN.

That looks like shit.



Lord knows my little black heart beats fast every time I see the zipper in the monster's back - and I will take a cheesy rubber space alien any day over a CGI anything....but even as much as I heart that kind of thing - I have to admit that 50 Ft Woman is really, really disappointing. For one thing, I can see right through her, and the same shot of her walking is used about a half dozen times.

Although there are times that props were built and she looks pretty damn righteous:

However, sometimes the props are pretty shiteous - as in this scene, when it's obvious that the prop that's supposed to be her husband is so badly made that it's always kept out of frame - except for this shot when it's very clear that the fake body doesn't even have feet:But I'm not ripping on the movie - I still had a great time watching it and now I finally understand why I was so impatient about when the big tall lady was going to show up. I remembered a lot about this movie but I definitely didn't remember that she was only in the last ten minutes of the movie. It would have been great if they'd given her even five more minutes to really tear up the crappy town that just wanted to give her coffee and blame everything on her hot flashes!

All in all, a perfect movie for a Saturday afternoon, and a great trip down memory lane.