Blu-Ray Saturday

Mama F had a VERY productive Saturday. Not only did I watch both playoff games, went downtown with Papa C to check out a new display of candid Bob Marley photos at a local gallery, I also watched not one, but TWO movies.

I started off my day early, since now that I'm a working woman, I can't seem to sleep past nine am anymore. (THE HORROR!) So I made breakfast, got a blanket, grabbed cats for strategic cuddling purposes, and popped in.....Snow White.



Before you go thinking I've gone all soft and sweet (and believe me, there's as much of a chance of that as there was of the Lions making it to the playoffs ....Shazam!), think back to the last time you actually watched Snow White. I mean, really watched it.

I was struck by two things yesterday. One, with the Blu-Ray, I found myself totally entranced by the watercolor backgrounds in the movie. I don't know the last time I watched an animated film and paid so much attention to the freaking background. Wow. The artist in me was transfixed.

I also realized yesterday that Snow White is - well, kinda scary. I mean, think about it - we have an evil queen/witch that wants SW dead. And I mean dead. Not banished, not locked up in some dungeon, but cut-out-her-heart-and-bring-it-to-me dead. And when that doesn't work, well, she just whips up a poison apple and takes it to Snow to get the deed done herself. Add the panicked run through the scary forest and having your corpse displayed in a freakin' glass casket because 7 little old men can't bear the thought of putting you in the ground, not to mention coming back from the dead (!)and you're got yourself one creepy little story.

Then we have the 'romantic' moment when the Prince wakes Snow with 'love's first kiss'....but instead of feeling all warm and tingly, all my warped little mind can think is, how long has she been in that casket anyway?

Annnnyyyyway.............
Let's turn our attention to my second movie of the day, which is an actual horror movie. And that would be....
John Carpenter's The Thing.


Watching The Thing was a similar experience to watching Children of the Corn for me, in that I haven't seen it since it came out, and I've never owned a copy of it. Although it's different from COTC in that I only remember seeing it once. I'm not sure why - I remembered liking it, and Kurt Russell's in it.

I like me some Kurt Russell. To me, he's dependable and reliable - in short, Kurt Russell gets the job done. When I find out that he's in a movie, I know that at least one thing will be true - Kurt will be good and even if the plot is boring or I hate everyone else in it, at least I'll buy what he's selling.

Plus - go IMDB this guy sometime. He started working in television 1957 when he was six years old, and he hasn't stopped since. He did TV shows like Gilligan's Island, Lost in Space, and The Fugitive. He did a slew of goofy Disney films like The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes and Now You See Him, Now You Don't. For most child actors, their career stops once they become old enough to vote.

But not The Kurt. Not only did he manage to keep working, the guy has a slew of kick ass movies to his name. Tombstone. Escape From New York. Big Trouble in Little China. Fuck, the guy even played Elvis, for crying out loud.

That is why I have much love and give mad props to the guy - not only does he have a Hollywood career that has spanned over 50 years, he's managed to make a lot of good stuff along the way. I also declared that Kurt Russell was a national treasure during a spirited (and alcohol-fueled, I'm sure) discussion with Papa Cash while we were in Jamaica. (I won that argument hands down, btw. You do not want to take me to a tropical location, get me drunk, and wonder out loud what the big deal is about The Kurt. Oh no, my friend, trust me, You. Do. Not. Want. )

Back to our regularly scheduled program.....

So, The Thing. It's a great movie. I know this, you know this. And now I know exactly why I haven't watched this movie in over 20 years. It's really, really.......unsettling.
Yeah, right, like NO DER, right? But I'm not talking about the special effects, not knowing who might be infected with The Thing, and who might not be, or even the idea of being isolated in Antartica without even so much as a radio.

No, I'm talking about the overwhelming and enveloping feeling that these fellas are DOOMED. From the first moment the movie starts and we start to become introduced to this crew of fellas (yes, all boys, back in 1982, us girls weren't allowed yet to be around metal equipment and go on expeditions and things), we know absolutely 100% in our hearts that things are not going to go well for these guys. We don't even know what it is - but we know it's not going to be pretty. There's not even one moment of real hope - anytime you find yourself wondering if they'll get out okay, you just know. Nope. Ain't gonna happen. And yet you still find yourself watching, waiting, wondering.

I definitely won't be waiting another 20 years to watch The Thing again - it's just too good to ignore again for that long. Not only do we have The Kurt rocking the Michael Landon hair look, we have tons of juicy, slimy special effects from back in the day when peeps ACTUALLY FREAKIN' BUILT THINGS WITH THEIR HANDS. And covered them with goop. And put motors and stuff in them to make them move.


Another thing that made the movie interesting was watching the movie with Papa C. I generally watch most horror movies alone - especially the older ones- but he watched this one with me, and like most times this happens, I'm treated to interesting questions and comments throughout.

Like these:

While the dog is walking about the barracks, or compound, or whatever you want to call it:
"Is the dog the bad guy in this movie, or what?'

And, out of the blue, at some point after the Norwegians are killed:
'I know why you wanted to watch this.'
Me: "Why?"
PC: In your eyes, Kurt Russell can do no wrong'.

I guess he wasn't that drunk in Jamaica after all.
-Mother Firefly

PS I found out later, via Cavalcade of Perversions, that I watched The Thing on John Carpenter's Bday!

It's Award Time!!!!!

The Kreativ Blogger award comes with a list of things to accomplish, some of which I've done, and a couple more that I'm going to do right now.

To begin with:
1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.

2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.

3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.

I already did these, but just for the hell of it, I"ll do them again.

My award came from Emily at The Deadly Doll's House of Horror Nonsense.
If you aren't already, start reading it pronto, Tonto.
I mean it.
Her blog is all kinds of cool. She would also be on my list of the people to give it to, if she hadn't already had given it to me. Because she definitely fits in with my list of recipients, as you'll soon see.


4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might find interesting.

1. I kissed Wayne Newton.

Loyal readers will already know that I managed to get lip contact from Tom Atkins AND Joe Pilato in the same weekend last October. But what you didn't know is that my first celebrity lip lock happened several years ago in good old Flint, Michigan.

My mom (in addition to being responsible for my addiction to all things scary) is also a HUGE Wayne Newton fan. I've seen him perform three times with her. On the last occasion, women were approaching the stage in droves to either give him flowers and/or kiss him. Now, this was many years ago, before we had all this germphobia and various flus, and the Big Fig Newton was planting his smackeroos directly on the lips. Oh yeah, you go, Big Wayne. (I'd bet five bucks that this practice has long since stopped)

So I thought, damn, what my mom needs is to go up there - because that would be like a dream come true, right? But despite my suggestions and begging, all she would do is sit and shake her head back and forth. I really thought that she just needed a little more cajoling and that if I stood up and started walking towards the stage, she'd follow.

Guess again. Once at the stage, I turned around to find myself not only sans Mom, but with Big Wayne looming over me. Hey, when in Rome, you know? So I got my kiss and I also managed to ask him to say hi to my shy mom sitting in the audience.

He dedicated the next song to her.


2. My knees literally knocked the first time I met Ken Foree.

Did you know that was even possible? I thought it was just an expression for the first 30 years of my life.

Till I met Peter from Dawn of the Dead and had my picture taken with him, walked away, and almost hit the floor. It hasn't happened since - at any time - so I guess it took the power of the Foree to set it in motion. Shazam, Baby!!!


3. I'm a sucker for musicals.

Yes, in addition to loving the scary, I'm a huge mark for musical Broadway type theater. I've seen a lot of live theater since I moved to Milwaukee with some of my favorites being: Avenue Q, Spamalot, Rent, Phantom of the Opera, and Lion King.

I like some movie musicals, but put on any live show with people singing and I'll probably want to be there.

Except for Chorus Line. Which sucks balls.

4. I can handle weird, intense smells.

I discovered this last summer during school when an instructor pointed out that the odor in the room was that of dead flesh. To which my reaction was, 'Huh. So that's what dead flesh smells like.'

On the other hand, I cannot tolerate snot or mucus in any form. Go ahead and decompose in front of me, but hawk a loogie on me and I'll get the dry heaves.

5. I love the playoffs.

I originally planned on writing this post yesterday, but I watched football all day and night and then I passed out in my chair. Yeah. I live large, baby.

6. I like to do art.

My art life has largely been on hold for the last three years, but I'm getting back into it now. My media are graphite and watercolor, and I mainly do portraits. I used to teach portrait drawing, but I had to quit when it didn't fit into my schedule anymore. For the last six months I've mainly been working on pet watercolor portraits.


7. I've seen all the Universal monster films on the big screen.

We used to have a kick ass theater in this town (actually, the theater still exists, but management has changed) and I had the opportunity to see the original Dracula, Frankenstein, Wolfman, and Creature of the Black Lagoon (in 3-D!), plus many of their sequels in a real live actual movie theater. I also saw many other classics such as King Kong, Nosferatu, Freaks, Night of the Living Dead, Phantom of the Opera, and House of Wax (also in 3-D).

I'd seen all those movies several times before that, but getting to see those on the big screen was an opportunity I may never get again. I'm sad to see the theater change focus, but they're still around, and hopefully one day they'll play some things like this again.


5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.

6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.

7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they have been nominated.


Since my award came from one of my favorite horror blogs that happens to also be written by a chick,
My list of 7 Kreativ Bloggers has a theme :

My Other Favorite Horror Blogs Written By the Ladies.

Because my little black heart has been emboldened since joining the blog community and finding all these other women that love the scary. (BTW, why aren't we taking over the planet, ladies???) You see, since I moved to Milwaukee 7 years ago, and away from my friends who also love spooky things, I've been kind of alone in my obsession with horror. So before I start my list, I'd just like to say a big THANKS to all of the women on my list (and the one who gave me the award). Here's to another great year of blogs filled with more macabre goodness.

1. Killer Kittens From Beyond the Grave

Kitty LeClaw was the first female horror blogger that I discovered, and she's still among my most favorites. She's got a great mix of horror reviews, horror comics, and the occasional biography. In the last year, I've discovered many other women that also love the scary (and rock a great blog), but to me, Kitty is the gold standard that I still aspire to.

2. Doo Wacka Doodles

Art so yummy and delicious I want to eat it for breakfast. Or maybe just frame it and worship it every day. Go, look, and drool.
Plus, she recently did a piece honoring The Vampire Lovers. Which of course, features my longtime love, Ingrid Pitt.
Lady, where are your prints for sale??? Do Want.

3. All Eyes and Ears

Wonderful photography by Dane along with song suggestions to complement the whole experience.

Fix yourself a nice beverage of your choosing, put your feet up, and enjoy.

4. Reanimated Rags

To quote from her site:
Originator and Custodian of First and Only Ever "Lifestyle and Undead-style Blog" in the History of Time. (She thinks)

I think she may be right. She's only been around since last September, but she sells vintage clothes on Etsy, models them dressed as a zombie, and thinks Boris Karloff is hot.
My kind of lady. Mama F says check her out.

5. Calvalcade of Perversions

Horror movies, cats, and wine. I have a hard time of thinking of three things I love more. Thankfully we have Jenn's blog that celebrates all three, and in a funky, fun to read style.
Plus, she blogged about Andy Milligan's films once. Neato!

6.Zombie Cupcake

You should already be in love with this blog based on the title alone.
You can go lots of places and read horror reviews, but Ms. Finlay has her own unique spin on things. Even if it's a film I've read twenty other reviews on, I always appreciate her perspective.
Also another Final Girl Film Clubber!


7. Project Blue

Last, but certainly not least. And it's also where I deviate from my list. Full disclosure - it's written by my brother. But since he's the one who's responsible for this blog -since he harassed me into starting it - he also paved the way for me to discover the great women on my list.

Back then, he was blogging more than me - but now the tides have turned. I'm hoping bestowing this award on him lights a fire under his you-know-what, so I can start reading his blog again.

In the meantime, check out his old posts and maybe leave him a nice note asking for more.

Love,
Mama F.

PS
Wayne Newton's lips are pillowy soft, man.
No lie.

Yay!

Holy Crap.

Imagine my surprise today when I logged on to find that the Firefly Ranch has been bestowed with an award:


This award comes to me courtesy of Emily from The Deadly Doll's House of Horror Nonsense. Are you reading this blog? If you're not, then you should be. Starting NOW. Emily is an amazing writer and doesn't just write funny, intelligent reviews of horror films, she stands out from the blogger crowd with her own unique personal spin on horror films with her 'Lessons Learned' section and ultimately breaking movies down with her 'Rent/Buy/Bury' section. It's a great read, and I'm honored to receive this from her. Women that love the Scary have been ignored for too long, and I'm thrilled to see so many great horror blogs written by the ladies. And trust me, Emily is among the best of the best.

I have some responsibilities that come along with my award, and I'll be fulfilling those as the work week winds down.

In the meantime, take the time to check out The Deadly Doll's House of Horror Nonsense, and leave her some comments telling her how much she rocks.

Thanks again, Emily. You made my day.

-Mother Firefly

Killer Bunnies

If you, like myself, are old enough to be....well, of a 'certain age'.....you may have also grown up with three channels (sometimes four if the wind was blowing the right direction and you could convince your brother to stand next to the TV with one hand on the bunny ears and one foot off the ground), and changing the channel meant also turning the big dial on the floor behind the TV and waiting for the antenna on the roof to turn and listening to the whirr -whirr -whirr sound.......

If any (or all of it) sounds familiar, than you may also be familiar with something else that's also went extinct along with the above mentioned fossils.

I'm talking about the 4 o'clock movie.

Or 5 o'clock, or 6, or whenever. Back in the days when Donahue was the only talk show host (OMG I am REALLY dating the shit out of myself now), local TV stations used to fill Monday through Friday afternoons with movies. And more often than not, those movies ran in themes.

We had Planet of the Apes week, Godzilla week, Elvis week.......and every once in a while, we'd have Killer Animals Week. Yeah, now you can tune into Discovery channel for Shark Week and watch the real thing do well, shark things......but back in the days of three channels, we had movies with killer rats, bees, locusts, and frogs.

And while I can't be sure whether or not this particular film ever made any of the 4 o'clock Killer Animals movies, it's tailor made to fit in with those others.

I'm talking about, of course,
NIGHT OF THE LEPUS.

And yes, as the title of my post would suggest, Night of the Lepus is jam packed with...
Giant Mutant Killer Bunny Rabbits.

Do I really need to review this movie? At this point, you're either rolling your eyes contemplating the crapdom of such a storyline, or you're all, WHERE do I sign up to see such FABULOUSNESS such as this????

If you are in the latter group, then come along, friend, and let me take you on a tour of highlights of the deliciousness that is Night of the Lepus:

SPECIAL REPORTS that warn us of the terrible, terrible things that rabbits can do if left to their own devices:


I'm pretty sure Bugs Bunny fought during this:


Take the time to read the part at the bottom:
Yeah. It was an actual BOOK first.

Haircuts provided on the set by the Robert Goulet Traveling Barbershop:


Hey, let's get that new 'young couple' that's in town to come and fix our bunny rabbit problem!

Of course, by 'young', I mean 'AARP card carrying', and by 'fix', I mean 'create behemoth killer rabbits'


Let me take the time to explain how our scientific experiment works so you can screw it up real good:

Just like that.


Hell hath no fury like.....
mutant rabbits on a lettuce bender.

One broken mannequin leg + 3M Dawn of the Dead type blood = AWESOME.

God, I miss hot rollers.

Gimme some carrots, BITCH!!

Bunny Stampede in the mine!

Bunny Stampede on the ranch!
God help you if you see THIS in your rear view mirror:

When Bunnies Attack!!
Callin' in the big guns:
Dead Lepuses : (okay, use your imagination)

Everything must be okay now:

Or not.
God bless the 4'oclock movies.

-Mother Firefly

Happy 2010

Happy New Year, everyone!

I celebrated the New Year in the usual way......a movie, chicken wings, and a blueberry martini.....however, towards the end of Superbad, someone in the house developed what appears to have been a 24 hour stomach virus (hint: it wasn't me and it wasn't the kitties) ...so that ended our normal celebration and postponed the screening of our second feature, King Kong in Blu-ray.

I wanted to start the first day of the New Year off the right way, so I did the only thing that made sense....I watched Children of the Corn in Blu-ray.

After reading on the box that it was the 25th anniversary (!) of COTC, I remembered that the first place I saw it was at the movies. After it came out on VHS, I saw the movie quite a few times - since my mom owned a video store, it was a popular request among my friends. I always thought it was creepy and somewhat scary - especially the first time I saw it. But I must have gotten my fill of it then, because I don't believe I've seen it in almost 20 years -and I've never even owned a copy of it.

I'm not going to actually review COTC - because honestly, I don't think there's much point. If you're reading this blog, I'm fairly sure you've seen it and you've formed your own opinion. I can't say now that I think COTC is a great movie - it was more interesting to me that I didn't notice its flaws as a kid, and also I think it's a good representation of what we thought was scary back in 1984.

Although watching COTC when it's 25 years old is, of course, an entirely different experience than it was when I was a kid. It's more interesting to me to compare what I thought of the characters and situations as a kid to what I think of them 25 years later.

Let the first list of 2010 begin!

1. The Kool-Aid Drinkers
The nameless kids in the background who are either carrying around scythes or sitting in the cornfield listening to Issac's sermons always unnerved me. After all, they decided to follow his orders to kill their parents, so apparently they were pretty willing to do anything he asked. After all, a cult leader's only as powerful as the number of people he has willing to carry out his bidding.

But in 2010, all I could think was, are we out of soap and water down on the farm? Issac, Malachi, and the two little cute kids are all squeaky cleaned and shiny haired, while everyone else has some form of dirt smudges about their face and hands. Dirt smudges that also seemed strategically placed and therefore even more annoying - every time Issac's followers were featured, all I could focus on was what the reasoning was behind making the Corn Kids dirty. (Is it because with no moms, you don't have someone who's going to do the 'spit and scrub' thing on your face?)


2. Scary (?) Kids
Back in 1984, the Demonic Dream Team of Issac and Malachi really creeped me out.

In 2010, they strike me not so much as scary, but (forgive me for saying this) ugly. And not just them - besides the little cute kids, none of the children of the corn are especially attractive. I'm happy to report that Courtney Gains (Malachi) is on the DVD extras, and he's managed to grow into a much more attractive adult in the last 25 years....(sorry dude, no offense, but talk about your 'awkward years!')


3. Issac
Oh, Issac. You really freaked me out 25 years ago. All that Holy Roller and Corn talk (mixed with a good dose of Satan) was scary back then.

I also know now (and didn't realize then) that John Franklin was not a kid, but a 23 year old with a growth deficiency. Which probably made a lot of sense in choosing him back then .......but all I could think now was that while Franklin was not so much menacing as he instead appeared to be channeling the Goth version of Liza Minnelli.

Especially when we have the very short scene involving 'Issac's lair'....a place very creepily decorated with various corn artworks, stones, and sticks -all I could envision was Issac decorating his creepy castle with comments like : 'Yes, put that corn cob and stick artwork on the wall above the big rock.....it looks faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabulous!'

And speaking of corn cob art....

4. Arts and Crafts:

I appreciate the addition of all of the crosses, bowls, and various other accoutrements made out of corn......(and what about the Jesus portraits that have been 'enhanced' with corn parts - CREEPY. STILL!)

Where'd those kids learn to make that crap anyway?

5. The Return of the King:
25 years ago, Issac returning from the corn to claim Malachi was definitely one of the scariest parts. Here's where maybe too much info (and maybe hi-def) is maybe not a good thing. I had turned on the special feature that included bits of trivia about the film during the movie - it was pretty unintrusive and some of it was interesting.

Until we got to this scene - and the trivia that popped up said that pieces of sausage were used to make the 'erupting horns' on Issac's head. I couldn't stop fixating on the idea that pork product was stuck on Franklin's forehead, and I also couldn't get over that not everything should be seen in the best possible quality. Trust me - Blu-ray is NOT kind to this shot.

6. The Kills
Here's an area where COTC impressed me. I remembered lots of killing (especially in the beginning) by knives and scythes and other sharpies, and lots of blood - but what I didn't realize is that not once is the blade-to-skin contact actually shown. (Thanks, trivia track!) Here's where what's suggested and what we imagine is probably scarier than what they could do by trying to show it. Especially in the first scene at the diner, when the Corn Kids slaughter the entire place, with Issac watching menacingly from the window outside.......the look reflected on the little boy's face while blood is spattered tells us all we need to know.
Lesson learned. Less is more!!

7. Where's the luggage?
These two have a pretty empty car for a couple driving across country for any reason, let alone locating to a new home.

And another thing- I kept thinking, bitch, PLEASE tell me you didn't support his commitment -phobe pansy ass while he went through med school.


8. The only thing that's still scary to me 25 years later:

The idea of being given a corn halo and hung up on a corn stalk cross, surrounded by Kool-Aid Drinkers and a midget doing a bad Liza Minnelli impersonation.


I take that back.
It's scarier.


Keep an eye out for Outlanders,
Mother Firefly

It's Time for Something Weird Part III : A Bewitching Double Feature

They're creepy and they're cooky...and witchy. And naked? Titles are often misleading, as we'll find out soon.

Our first witchy feature is The Naked Witch,and probably the less said about it, the better. In fact, it was so bad that it put me off watching the second feature, Crypt of Dark Secrets for about two months.

Which is too bad, because Crypt is so spectacularly wonderfully bad that it made me all kinds of warm and fuzzy.





Crypt is filled with all kinds of fun characters - (it's also the movie with the actual naked witch in it) most of who apparently studied at the 'passionless delivery' school of acting.....I could read the back of a cereal box out loud with more excitement and nuance than these people..but, hey, never let it be said that I let wooden line delivery spoil my enjoyment of a movie!

We have Damballa - she likes to dance around a blue eye in the woods, shift back and forth between the land of the living and the land of the ....something or other, practice CPR naked, and oh yeah, sometimes she likes to turn into a snake and slink around the woods and the waters of the bayou. (Or maybe the filmmakers just had a lot of stock footage of a snake in the swamp and wanted to put it to good use)
Gypsies, tramps, and thieves.......

We have this dude, who tells us about the legend of Damballa, because the sheriff asked him to look it up. Guess what, he's found it, in a book, and with pictures!!

We have the sheriff, who's asking questions about the legend of Damballa and how it concerns a mysterious island that a Vietnam vet named Ted has recently moved on to...an island that nobody has managed to last MORE THAN ONE NIGHT on!!!
Our sheriff is also apparently fond of this facial expression:Because he uses it ALL. THE. TIME.

Sheriff decides he really needs to see this island and the man who's managed to live there for MORE THAN ONE NIGHT (!), so he and Deputy Buck (Yes, that's really his name) decide to head out into the swamp to check it out. And it's really important that the sheriff do this because.....because.......okay, fine, because I DON'T REALLY GET WHY.

But maybe what they find there is worth the trip to the swamp:

Ooh, cutoffs!!
I'm starting to get a better picture of maybe why this trip was so 'important'.

Mr. Hot Pants (Ted) invites them in for a beer, and we find out he's retired from the army, and oh yeah, there's some black haired chick that he always sees swimming near the island. But the Sheriff tells Ted that the Postmaster told him that Ted used to be in the army, and the Banker told him that Ted doesn't have an account with them! (WTF kind of town is this ANYWAY??) So the Sheriff is all concerned about the money that Ted might have just laying around the house.

After the friendly visit, Ted decides to change clothes, walk around the island, and strike random poses:
All in a day's work.....

But the sheriff must have gotten Ted thinking about all that money in the house, because the next thing we know, Deputy Buck is taking Ted to the bank (introducing him as Ted from 'Haunted Island (!)....where a riveting discussion involving check cashing and opening savings accounts takes place:
It's worth the price of admission, folks.

Antagonist Alert! This unsavory character is hanging around the bank, and while I'm sure the fascinating discussion about savings accounts went right over his head, the talk about Ted keeping money at home in the bread box did not:

Not only does this dude have possibly the worst fake Born on the Bayou accent ever;, he also has a dumb friend that he takes along to try to break into Ted's house and steal his money.

However, the plan goes afoul when the friend almost drowns in the water after he gets out of the boat, starts to wade to shore - announcing he's going to go look for the house - then turns around and starts TO WADE INTO DEEPER WATER.

Guess what, he almost drowns. I would have let Mr. Dumb Ass drown, but his friend saves him, and they regroup and come up with Plan B with the help of Mr. Fake Born on the Bayou's Wife. She must be the brains of this operation because she announces that there's only one way to get away with the crime:

LEAVE NO EVIDENCE.

Holy Shit. Who knew that the way to get away with crimes was not to leave any clues linking you to the actual crime?

But Damballa is apparently looking out for our friend Ted, because she's keeping an eye on our dastardly trio:No need to be subtle at all.....

Then for whatever reason, our friend Ted decides to visit the Voodoo Woman, who's sitting around throwing arrows into the back of some shirtless dude:Because we needed more characters thrown in the movie without any introduction whatsoever.

Hi, I'm Ted from Haunted Island, and I hate buttons.
The Voodoo Woman lets Ted know that the mysterious woman on his island will reveal herself to him at the proper time.

Hope it's soon, because our three favorite criminal masterminds are now ready to attack. They leave Ted floating in the swamp and steal his money.

But Damballa's got Ted's back, as our friends find out when they try to count their
loot and find that it bleeds:In case you can't tell from this picture, Ted's 'fortune' apparently amounts to a handful of TEN DOLLAR BILLS.

And as she uses her naked CPR method to revive Ted:

(I call it 'naked CPR' since when this scene was on, Papa Cash asked me, "Is she performing chest compressions with her ______ ?"
(insert your favorite word for ahem, 'femaleness' here)

Meanwhile, the crooks take the bleeding money to Deputy Buck and confess that they've not only robbed Ted, they've killed him and left him in the swamp. To which the Sheriff has this response:Told ya he's fond of this expression.

Finally, the Sheriff decided just maybe they should investigate this crime and check on Ted, so they mosey on over (seriously, there's not one iota of urgency in this action) over to the island to check things out.

Apparently, the Red Cross needs to add Damballa's pelvic resuscitation technique technique to their class, because it works. Not only is Ted alive and well, Damballa takes the time (ALOT of time, believe me) to tell Ted the story of how she ended up being the conduit between worlds and why Ted needs to know this.

Ted, per usual, is impressed:

FINALLY Sheriff and Deputy Buck make it to the island to check on Ted. Not only is he fine, Damballa's hanging out at home too.

Did this man ever meet a button that he LIKED?

The rest of the movie involves Damballa enlisting the Voodoo Woman's help to punish the criminals for what they attempted to do, because .....well, just because she can, apparently. The spell is cast, Damballa dances some more around her favorite blue eye, and YES! the Voodoo Dolls get brought out:

The three meet their end in the swamp, and Damball and Ted meet with one of Damballa's friends from the other side. Did I forget to mention that Ted's the Chosen One? Chosen of what or why, I have no idea. Whatever.....

Shit, since you haven't been buttoning anything for the first hour, why start now?

So there's some ceremony that has something to do with something and people dance....which leaves Ted to spend his shirtless days making out with Damballa on the island.

Crypt is really the treat of this double feature. The Naked Witch is tedious and barely worth watching. Not only is the quality pretty bad, but the majority of the movie is done in voice over.

Here's the plot in a nutshell. Dude from college is doing research on the history of witchcraft in a small town in Texas (known for being a hot bed where the history of witchcraft is concerned, right?), he finds some book, he finds a grave with this hot mess in it:

And Bango Presto Whamo, he does some shit and then the witch comes back to life. Which leads to one of the more riveting scenes:
Divine checks her manicure.

And if watching a woman stare at her hands while she turns them over and over sounds interesting, then by all means, watch the rest of this piece of crap, because you just might love it.

This leads us to the 'naked' part, I guess, since it seems the witch just might be naked as she makes her way from her grave back to her friend who woke her from the dead.

Naked? Maybe....maybe not....either way, who gives a crap? Anyway, she finally finds some clothes and then goes around killing people...or something.... I just really didn't care and I couldn't really tell you any of the details of the last twenty minutes or so.

Like all Something Weird DVDs, the disc is filled with extras including shorts about voodoo, witchcraft, and dancing, along with a whole bunch of trailers. ALL of which are more fun and interesting than any part of the Naked Witch.

-Mother Firefly