Final Girl Film Club: Black Sabbath

One of Mama F's goals this year is to make it through ALL the Bava films we have here down at the Firefly Ranch. Thanks to some buy one, get one free online sale last year, I ended up both Bava Boxes. And they look great - sitting on my shelf gathering dust.

I've seen (and loved) two of the films already, Black Sunday, and the Final Girl Film Club selection for January, Black Sabbath.


Black Sabbath is a trilogy of films that begins with an introduction and words of wisdom from my friend and yours, Boris Karloff:
My sentiments EXACTLY.

Our first shortie short is called, simply:
Which begins, not surprisingly, thusly:

I know, who saw that coming, right?

As you might anticipate, the calls keep coming and each one gets more threatening. Pretty soon our heroine is doing the only thing she can do:
Cry, smoke, and call a girlfriend:
Who agrees to come over (in a not so subtle smug way)


And then immediately hangs up only to call back:
Oh, for the days when you could disguise your voice by merely putting a handkerchief over the phone!

Psycho friend comes over and keeps up with the crazy talk:
WTF??


It's the really GOOD friends that will come over in the middle of the night when you're being phone stalked and give you tranquilizers:


Psycho friend sits down in her PJs and writes a letter:

Letter Translated:
Hey Girl,
Guess What? It was ME making all those crazy calls that made you cry and chain smoke. I just PRETENDED to be a psychopath so you'd give a bitch a call and we could be BFFs again.
Don't be mad, K?
Love
Yer HomeGirl


Oh, Irony.Turns out that Frank is really out and ready to kill some old girlfriends.And then our heroine stabs the bad guy. The End.
Um, okay.

On to Part Two:Where we learn that Wurdulak translated into English means:
er, Wurdalak.

Wurdulaks are really just another kind of vampire, but these vampires are especially fond of drinking blood from people they know and love.
The Wurdulak is probably the best story in the movie and the one filled with the creepiest visuals:

Boris Karloff, scary as he's ever been:
but he's not all bad - when he goes away on his travels, he always brings home souvenirs for his family:
Grandpappy, why are you all moldy and smell like cabbage?

Creepy little vampire kid bonus points of 10,000,000
And a bevy of creepy vamps to see you out with:
Lastly, we have:
Which is the story of what three years of nursing school did to poor Mama Firefly:KIDDING.
It's just a sweet, warmhearted story of what happens when you steal from dead people who are into the occult:

In a nutshell, it goes a little like this:
BOO!


BOO!
BOO!
And BOO! (Cat included)


Personally, I think Walt Disney needs to make a ride out of this section of the movie PRONTO.

And Boris is there again at the end to impart more words of wisdom:
Thanks, Uncle Boris!
Anything else?

Will do, Uncle Boris.
Will do.
-Mother Firefly

Alligator People

It's true, some mornings I wake up wanting nothing else but to watch a movie with a guy in a goofy monster costume. And I want the other people in the movie to take the goofy monster guy deadly serious. And then I want the whole thing to be in black and white.

Thankfully, I had something in the Firefly library that fit the bill:




Our story starts out with a doctor and his nurse, Jane, played by Beverly Garland. Jane's been helping her boss out with some experiments in memory. Because of course, as nurses, our first and foremost responsibility is to let doctors experiment on us. It's the first thing you learn in nursing school.

Well, Doc has discovered that Jane has all kinds of craziness in that pretty little head of hers.
Under the influence of some unnamed drug, Jane spills the beans. She claims she has a different name (Joyce) and that she married some dude named Paul and everything was rosy:

They're celebrating, opening congratulatory telegrams, and reminiscing about the accident that Paul was in a while back......that crazy plane crash where he broke all his bones and was all messed up and stuff? The one that he healed up from without so much as a scar? That shit be so crazy!

Oh yeah, that one.....


Suddenly Paul opens a telegram that seems to upset him, and the next thing we know, he's getting off the train at the next stop- and hubby ain't getting back on.


Well, our dear Jane/Joyce is not one to be stopped and manages to find an old address of her husband's - and of course, it's in the Bayou.

And of course, Lon Chaney, Jr. is there. Because well, why wouldn't he be?


This lady and her matronly bosom wholeheartedly deny any knowledge of a man named Paul:


But she lets Jane/Joyce stay the night anyway.

But somewhere else strange goings on are a'brewing......people all wrapped up like mummies and making gurgly noises.

Is it just me or does this remind you of Jiffy Pop too?


Lest you think that Alligator People is all silliness and no substance, take a look at this shot with its beautiful shadows and lighting:

Yum.

Well, eventually Paul makes an appearance, and Baby ain't lookin' too pretty. And he's also developed a deep, froggy voice.

Hello my baby, hello my honey........



At first Paul plays the 'Don't look at me! I'm horrible, I tell you, HORRIBLE!!!!' card, and runs away.

But Jane/Joyce will not be dissuaded, and chases after Paul into the swamp. This is a part of the movie I really wish I could show you, because it's at once hilarious and scary at the same time. Of course the run through the swamp involve scary creatures, and the first is a reject from The Jungle Cruise at Disney World. You can almost hear the springs creak when its mouth opens and closes.

The next, however, appears to be all too real, and Beverly Garland is literally inches away while the alligator twists and snaps around. And Miss Garland, to her credit, doesn't seem like she even sees the thing. Since we didn't have CGI back in 1959 (thank GOD), I assume if it looks real, it is real.

Back to our film:
So here's the deal. Remember the horrible accident? This crazy doctor injected Paul with reptile hormones (because since a lizard can grow its tail back - that means that lizard hormones will make people rejenerate, right? Makes perfect sense to me!

Whatchoo talking bout, Willis?


And then the doctor explains all this by hooking up a gator to a table and shining a shiny light on it. Because..............of course you would.

Dude, when you shine this bright flashlight at the back of its skull, the light totally comes out of his mouth!


So Mom, Doc, Gator Guy, and Jane/Joyce all decide that the only thing that can be done now is to shine the shiny light on Paul.



Because hot, bright light calms reptiles down. And that will fix his little alligator problem.

Or not.


All well-dressed Alligator Men wear dockers:


Somehow I think this relationship has went as far as it can go:

But we're going to do the requisite run/chase thing through the bayou anyway.


OMG can it be??????????????????
Mmmmm Hmmmm, it's one of the devices of death that we hold near and dear to our little black hearts here at the Firefly Ranch:
QUICKSAND!!!!!!


And that's the end of that.

We return to the two doctors who are discussing Jane's case and debating whether or not to tell her the crazy story that she's apparently repressing. In the end they decide, nah, what's the point of upsetting her?

Better living through denial......ain't it pretty, people?


And ta-da:


I miss when movies used to say 'The End'. I know it's kind of redundant and all, but it makes me all tingly when I see it. Especially when the filmmakers do something really hokey like add a ? to it, or some phrase like 'Or Is It?'. I'm easy, I know.

So, Yay! For goofy rubber monster suits smothered in black and white. Alligator People is one of the better types of movies of its time, and if you're not familiar with horror/sci-fi films from the 50's, there are worse places you can start.

Rarr,
Mother Firefly

Blu-Ray Saturday

Mama F had a VERY productive Saturday. Not only did I watch both playoff games, went downtown with Papa C to check out a new display of candid Bob Marley photos at a local gallery, I also watched not one, but TWO movies.

I started off my day early, since now that I'm a working woman, I can't seem to sleep past nine am anymore. (THE HORROR!) So I made breakfast, got a blanket, grabbed cats for strategic cuddling purposes, and popped in.....Snow White.



Before you go thinking I've gone all soft and sweet (and believe me, there's as much of a chance of that as there was of the Lions making it to the playoffs ....Shazam!), think back to the last time you actually watched Snow White. I mean, really watched it.

I was struck by two things yesterday. One, with the Blu-Ray, I found myself totally entranced by the watercolor backgrounds in the movie. I don't know the last time I watched an animated film and paid so much attention to the freaking background. Wow. The artist in me was transfixed.

I also realized yesterday that Snow White is - well, kinda scary. I mean, think about it - we have an evil queen/witch that wants SW dead. And I mean dead. Not banished, not locked up in some dungeon, but cut-out-her-heart-and-bring-it-to-me dead. And when that doesn't work, well, she just whips up a poison apple and takes it to Snow to get the deed done herself. Add the panicked run through the scary forest and having your corpse displayed in a freakin' glass casket because 7 little old men can't bear the thought of putting you in the ground, not to mention coming back from the dead (!)and you're got yourself one creepy little story.

Then we have the 'romantic' moment when the Prince wakes Snow with 'love's first kiss'....but instead of feeling all warm and tingly, all my warped little mind can think is, how long has she been in that casket anyway?

Annnnyyyyway.............
Let's turn our attention to my second movie of the day, which is an actual horror movie. And that would be....
John Carpenter's The Thing.


Watching The Thing was a similar experience to watching Children of the Corn for me, in that I haven't seen it since it came out, and I've never owned a copy of it. Although it's different from COTC in that I only remember seeing it once. I'm not sure why - I remembered liking it, and Kurt Russell's in it.

I like me some Kurt Russell. To me, he's dependable and reliable - in short, Kurt Russell gets the job done. When I find out that he's in a movie, I know that at least one thing will be true - Kurt will be good and even if the plot is boring or I hate everyone else in it, at least I'll buy what he's selling.

Plus - go IMDB this guy sometime. He started working in television 1957 when he was six years old, and he hasn't stopped since. He did TV shows like Gilligan's Island, Lost in Space, and The Fugitive. He did a slew of goofy Disney films like The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes and Now You See Him, Now You Don't. For most child actors, their career stops once they become old enough to vote.

But not The Kurt. Not only did he manage to keep working, the guy has a slew of kick ass movies to his name. Tombstone. Escape From New York. Big Trouble in Little China. Fuck, the guy even played Elvis, for crying out loud.

That is why I have much love and give mad props to the guy - not only does he have a Hollywood career that has spanned over 50 years, he's managed to make a lot of good stuff along the way. I also declared that Kurt Russell was a national treasure during a spirited (and alcohol-fueled, I'm sure) discussion with Papa Cash while we were in Jamaica. (I won that argument hands down, btw. You do not want to take me to a tropical location, get me drunk, and wonder out loud what the big deal is about The Kurt. Oh no, my friend, trust me, You. Do. Not. Want. )

Back to our regularly scheduled program.....

So, The Thing. It's a great movie. I know this, you know this. And now I know exactly why I haven't watched this movie in over 20 years. It's really, really.......unsettling.
Yeah, right, like NO DER, right? But I'm not talking about the special effects, not knowing who might be infected with The Thing, and who might not be, or even the idea of being isolated in Antartica without even so much as a radio.

No, I'm talking about the overwhelming and enveloping feeling that these fellas are DOOMED. From the first moment the movie starts and we start to become introduced to this crew of fellas (yes, all boys, back in 1982, us girls weren't allowed yet to be around metal equipment and go on expeditions and things), we know absolutely 100% in our hearts that things are not going to go well for these guys. We don't even know what it is - but we know it's not going to be pretty. There's not even one moment of real hope - anytime you find yourself wondering if they'll get out okay, you just know. Nope. Ain't gonna happen. And yet you still find yourself watching, waiting, wondering.

I definitely won't be waiting another 20 years to watch The Thing again - it's just too good to ignore again for that long. Not only do we have The Kurt rocking the Michael Landon hair look, we have tons of juicy, slimy special effects from back in the day when peeps ACTUALLY FREAKIN' BUILT THINGS WITH THEIR HANDS. And covered them with goop. And put motors and stuff in them to make them move.


Another thing that made the movie interesting was watching the movie with Papa C. I generally watch most horror movies alone - especially the older ones- but he watched this one with me, and like most times this happens, I'm treated to interesting questions and comments throughout.

Like these:

While the dog is walking about the barracks, or compound, or whatever you want to call it:
"Is the dog the bad guy in this movie, or what?'

And, out of the blue, at some point after the Norwegians are killed:
'I know why you wanted to watch this.'
Me: "Why?"
PC: In your eyes, Kurt Russell can do no wrong'.

I guess he wasn't that drunk in Jamaica after all.
-Mother Firefly

PS I found out later, via Cavalcade of Perversions, that I watched The Thing on John Carpenter's Bday!