BLACK DYNAMITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know, it's not a horror film.

But when I love a movie so much I wish I could take it home to meet my mom, then Mama Firefly has to make with the shout out.

If you love Blaxpoitation, films from the 70's, or have thought to yourself recently, 'You know what today's movies are missing? Lots of kung fu action."

Then check this out.

I almost ordered it on Amazon (based on previews) but chickened out and rented it on Netflix instead.

Shoulda ponied up the cash.

Green and Red band trailers follow:





Here's the website: Black Dynamite

I'm sorry I pimp slapped you into that china cabinet,
Mother Firefly

Empire of the Ants

As you might recall from my review of Night of the Lepus, we're big fans of the mutant animal/bug movie down here on the Firefly Ranch. So naturally I thought Empire of the Ants would be a perfect way to unwind on a Saturday morning.
Instead, it ended up being a perfect way to spend an hour and a half with a confused look on my face.
Not that it's complex (which is fine by Mama - I don't heart giant insect/animal on the loose movies for their detailed plots) - it's just, well, perplexing.
I went from thinking I had a standard cheeseball man vs giant bug fest on my hands, to realizing that I had a BAD (even for my low standards) cheeseball/man/bug movie, to the last 20 mins when the movie completely and unexpectedly changes direction. (Foreshadowing? Plot development? Oh, no, no, no. Those might cost MONEY, people.)

Our movie starts out as these often do - with a little lesson on nature and how the animal/bug/plant functions normally in the wild. Ants, we're told, are the Sweet Sweetback Bad Asses of the insect kingdom. They harvest crops, build roads, tunnels, and bridges; and herd aphids. That's right, I said HERD APHIDS. They also are ruled by pheromones, which we learn, produce an obligatory response. Lest we miss that about-to-become-important piece of information, the voice over dude says: Did you hear that? OBLIGATORY!!!!! And then he's nice enough to define the term as meaning, 'CANNOT BE DISOBEYED!!!!' Here concludes the vocab lesson for the day.

But hey, says our narrator, that's all in nature 'n stuff. GOOD thing we don't have to worry about what ants do!


Well, shit.
I have to admit I was heartened when the movie started with a slightly bitchy Joan Collins working the 70s giant headband-scarf action w/matching blouse:
She's a real estate agent taking a bunch of idiots to check out some new up and coming property. No seriously, they're DUMB ASSES. As will become apparent soon.
The name of the place is Dreamland Shores - and it's pretty isolated except for some town that's pretty far away (as our worker men let us know during their conversation). Sounds like a nice place, right?
Well, shit.
Joan gets out the plastic tram and takes the group on a tour of Dreamland Shores:
The island has all kinds of neat places where you can visit the future:
Spider Fights done in the tradition of so many movies of its kind - build something that kind of resembles the head of the bug/animal, have your actor wrestle with it, move the camera so fast we can't tell what's going on, and throw some blood on them at the end.
Also we get this view ALOT. And believe me, it's just as NOT interesting every other time as it is in this shot. (Also, this lady proves to be DUMB ASS #1, as she runs in the OPPOSITE direction of her group and deep into the forest when her husband bites it - thereby demonstrating my theory that to be killed by a giant ant really does take some effort on your part)
These two head out in their high-waisted pants to look for the missing couple:
Just chillaxin', watching the ants get ready to jump on my boat that happens to be smaller than the pier it's docked at:
So then this fool decides to blow up his boat instead of trying to fight the ONE ant on it, thereby eliminating their only way off the island:
I'm tired of these motherf**king ants on this motherf**king boat!!


Let me continue to illustrate how the film shows us that, if you want a giant mutant ant to eat you, you're gonna have to stop with the running and the fighting already.

Ways to make a giant ant eat you:
Sitting and waiting while making zero effort to get up and run:
Similarly, while watching your loved one being eaten by giant ants, do not make a move to help WHATSOEVER.
Continue to look shocked, presumably, at what a HUGE DUMB ASS you are.
This method works so well that this goof decided to give it a go:
And Joan completely filled her end of the bargain by doing absolutely NOT A DAMN THING.

Or, you can play like Grandpa and Grandma did, which was purposely run in the opposite direction of their group, find a shack with THREE WHOLE WALLS, and just wait for the ants to find you.
Ant fight time, and thankfully the idiot who blew up the first boat doesn't just turn around on and light this one on fire, too.
Also notice the guy on the left is using his oar to hit at ABSOLUTELY NOTHING and swings at the air over and over while the other dude swats at some ants. Maybe at some point the filmmakers thought they might actually add some ants on that side of the scene, but then realized they didn't have a clue how to do that.

Then after about 30 seconds of swinging, while never hitting one ant not once, and with the ants still waving around and making scary ant noises, they just sit down, start rowing and leave.
Miss Blonde Mom Jeans has an epiphany: "They're herding us like CATTLE!"
Um, yeah. Like RETARDED, INBRED cattle, maybe.

Then our lucky group stumbles upon Ma and Pa Kettle living in a shack surrounded by barb wire. A barbed wire shack in the middle of nowhere that happens to have a PHONE, no less. A phone to call the sheriff on.

But just when our survivors think they're safe, they sense that the town doesn't actually want them to leave, they steal a car to get away. A car. To get off an island. How is it that ANY of them managed to get away from the ants?
But it turns out that this town REALLY doesn't want them to leave:
Just good ol' boys, never meaning no harm.....


Then we find that the town is rounding up the people and putting them in carts:
While the town whistle blows and the ants make a nice, neat line:
And because it MAKES ALL THE SENSE IN THE WORLD, we find out that the ants are ruling the town, and making everyone make sugar for them.

Oh yeah, and the queen ant needs to give you a weekly spray of her pheromone so you'll stay in line and behave 'n stuff.
Joan Collins takes a moment to drink the kool-aid:
Then the dude who loves to blow shit up decides to work his magic:
And, as usual, start with giant radioactive bugs, end with an explosion:
My sentiments too, lady. THANK GOD it's over.
-Mother Firefly

Still Here......

I just haven't watched any movies in the last week. Between the True Blood marathon, the premiere of Lost, American Idol, Big Love, the Superbowl, and being surgically attached to my work laptop, there have been zero movies on the big screen here at the Firefly Ranch.

However, I do have a few thoughts about zombies and their associated movies and I will be sharing those. SOON. Yes, that's a promise and a threat.

Did I mention the True Blood Season 2 marathon? I have one word.
ERIC.
omgoodlord.
Bill? Bill who? (Just KIDDING, mom.)
But ERIC. Damn. Damndamndamndamn.

In other news, I also have a new addition to the Firefly collection of Evil Dolls: (coming soon to a home shopping channel near you)



And he is every bit as creepy delicious as he looks.
Mandy, I expect you to come over and cuddle with him STAT.

A HUGE thanks to my Mom who tracked him down and waited patiently through a couple of backorders in order to get him to me. If you ever wonder why I'm warped, blame her. Then give her a big hug and say thanks.

I also have to give myself a shout out (is that possible?) as I just found out that I was in the 98th percentile in a local online football game for the season. The game involves picking the winners from week to week. High score for the season was 197 points. Mama F's score for the season was 192. I didn't win nothin' but the rights to say this:
Holla, Bitches!!!!!

So I will be back soon, dearhearts, with my thoughts on a couple of zombie movies (and associated nightmares) and some more depraved goodness on the way.

Love,
Mother Firefly

PS:
This one's for you, Mom:

Satan's Black Wedding

A long while back (September 08 to be more exact), ol' Mama F watched a fun little film called Crazy Fat Ethel, and then we talked about it here at the Firefly Ranch. I also watched its sequel, Crazy Fat Ethel II, and I also mentioned that CFE I and II were both on the same disc with another movie called Satan's Black Wedding. (All of which cost me a whole $ 1.31 ! )


I always planned on finishing the set (also known as the Nick Phillips Horror Trilogy Collection), but somehow it got lost in the shuffle, till I came across it a couple weeks ago and thought Hey! Why didn't I ever watch this? I'll check it out! After all, it features this dude:
Should be fun, right??

Ha.
HAHAHAHAHA.
So wrong.
So, so flat out, one hundred percent WRONGNESS.

But hey, I suffered through it, and we're not about nothin' down here at the Firefly Ranch if we're not about sharing.

Even if means sharing screencaps and our accompanying thoughts about a movie that's so bad that it almost makes Godmonster of Indian Flats look good in comparison.
I said ALMOST.

Anyway, back to the crapfest at hand.
Satan's BW comes in a whole 60 minutes - which doesn't seem ALL that bad - but if you removed all the dramatic pauses, shots of oceans/rivers/foilage/cars, and had the actors speak their lines at a pace more on par with, oh I don't know, the way LIVE HUMANS BEINGS SPEAK, you'd probably have a movie that comes in at a tidy 25 minutes or less. And it's still be boring as hell.

And BTW, if you decide you want to take this baby on for yourself, I hope you're a big fan of this screen shot:
Because you're going to see PLENTY of it.

So anyway, our movie starts with the dude featured above visiting this lady, Nina, and seemingly makes her do this to herself through mind control or whatever:

And he's a priest, too? Not only does he kill her, he's nice enough to give the eulogy at her funeral.

Her brother, Mark (who's kind of the 70's low budget horror movie Ben Affleck), comes back home for her funeral,

He also meets up with a cop at his sister's house later, who doesn't believe that Nina committed suicide. Which leads to a very slow conversation with many, many dramatic pauses. Because, believe me, my friends, nobody in THIS movie is ever compelled to do ANYTHING with any kind of urgency, ever.
Let's just sit down and have a nice, long, slowly paced conversation.

And then we find that Nina's not really dead - she's just hanging out with her priest buddy and she's also now the new owner of a mouthful of really bad teeth:

Mark goes to visit a sick aunt, and finds out that Nina has been acting kinda weird lately and researching some book on Satanism:

And then Mark goes home to the living room of my childhood and reads Nina's book:

Aaaaaaaaand Nina's back! She takes out her sickly aunt and her caregiver by sucking their blood. And the movie never explains how Satanism = vampires.

I think they just wanted to give people in the movie fucked up fangs:
Will someone explain to me how these are AT ALL FUNCTIONAL????

Mark also visits Nina's friend Jean, who was helping Nina write her book. She admits that she was shocked at what happened to Nina, but not completely surprised.
This is mah 'shocked but not completely surprised' look.

Oh, hell with it, let's take a break from all this amateur detective bullshit and go a long walk and NOT TALK AT ALL for a while.
I'm sparing you the many, MANY, intercut scenes of WATER here.

Then the cop ends up at the church - he figures some shit out about the priest dude - don't ask me, I really don't even care enough to explain it any more- and ends up being attacked by these ugly fuckers - who are just, you know, hanging around, waiting for something to happen. Just like the rest of us unfortunate enough to be watching this movie:
And so the cop fires his gun at them:
And yes, that's EXACTLY what he's doing in the shot. Firing a GUN. And how do I know this? Because of the nifty sound effects in the movie. Not that I ever saw an actual gun. With a movie this compelling, who needs friggin props anyway?


So, anyway, Nina comes back for Jean:
This scene also comes with mixed with other scenes of running water. Which makes NO KINDA SENSE.

Wow, hey, we're all vampires now:

And the priest tells Mark that Satan has had his eye on him and his sister for a long time now. In fact, Satan wants them to get married and make a lil' baby Antichrist!
In fact, Satan himself is going to show up and perform the ceremony!!
This is how I felt after 60 minutes of this bullshit.


And Mark tries to run, but in the end, Satan wins the day, and our movie ends with our wedding taking place.
With Satan NOT anywhere to be seen - I guess even Satan has standards when it comes to appearing in a mess like this one.

Here's hoping the next movie I pay less than a buck fifty for is much better,
Mother Firefly