Mama is at the end of her rope. I really don't know what else to do. After giving up not one, not two, but THREE weekends to this illness that's been plaguing me (more on that in another post)
Maybe what I need is A Perfect Movie. There are many movies that I love with all of my little black heart but few of them that I would label as Perfect.
The Omen is one of those movies. From the script to the acting to the rottweilers to the score to the nanny flapping in the breeze; for my money, you can't do much better than The Omen.
(Aannnnnnnnnd as a creepy aside, I was in the middle of typing when Miss Baylock came in the room and is all Jedi Mind Trick with, Yo, I'm the New Nanny, and No, You Don't Need to Check My References, Bitches.....and not once but TWICE while typing that last sentence I woke up under some kind of trance with about two sentences of type consisting of nothing but 'pppppppttttttttttttttttttt' or 'nnnnnnnnnnnnnnn')
Some Things I Love:
The montage sequence filled with one 'happy family' picutre after another. Any one of them in and of itself looks like nothing but shiny, happy people. Put them together with THAT music and whoa, hold on.
Lee Remick wears a blue turban to CHURCH. A Freaking Blue Turban. And she rocks the shit out of it. The 'Look at me, Damian! It's all for you!' still remains, for me, one of the most bone chillingly frightening things I have ever seen on film. When Monkeys Attack! Freaky Shadows that Predict Death! I feel the same way about going to church:
Until later, wish me back to a speedy recovery.... Mother Firefly
Really? Play the movie without Elvira? What kind of sick, twisted world do some folks live in? One where I guess people need to view quality films like Werewolf of Washington so they can study the nuances and subtleties without interruption, breaks, or healthy doses of luscious Elvira cleavage.
I so do NOT want to know these people.
I'm still not feeling better, and I just want to get started with the Elvira-ness, so let's get this bee-yatch started:
OMG. I. So. Did. NOT. Know.
if it wasn't only mid afternoon (and I wasn't looking forward to a mango margarita in a few hours) I'd start doing shots with every stupid expression that Dean Stockwell makes.
So Dean Stockwell is some kind of big shot journalist in Washington, and before we're ten minutes into this shitfest, he gets into a car accident during the full moon and tries to get these people to help him: Yeah, guess where we're going, people.
One dog later (and Yes, that would be your standard European werewolf)
Boom, Baby! We've got ourselves a Gen-U-INE Werewolf Movie, Peeps!
Oh well, let's get back to Washington, get to some parties, and start making faces! Before long, we have this: and this follows soon after: thank god for this throughout on a regular basis: And eventually I guess our friend Dean kills someone else. I say 'I guess' because we never actually see it; or the body- we just get to see Dean talking about it the next day:
Which is just as good, right?
And BTW, this movie is the kind that thinks it's funny to have the other actor in the scene say to Dean Stockwell, 'What's the pentagon got to do with this?" every time Dean mentions that he has a PENTRAGRAM on his body ever since he was attacked in Budapest. Yeah. It's just THAT good. FINALLY, Werewolf Action via stop motion photography: ONLY Dean Stockwell could still manage to make stupid faces through all that fur.
And then there's some political speeches n shit and some other political crap and even some bowling. Yep. Bowling. Annnnnnnnnnnd then there's this scene: I'll just let this one speak for itself.
I'll give the movie this: At least it had the original idea to go with a bona fide werewolf whisperer: AHAHAHAHAHAHA It's just so fucking surreal and randomly inserted in the movie - the scene lasts less than five minutes and features Stockwell literally licking and sniffing Mr. White Coat like a dog. Best line of the movie delivered by the little man in the white coat- "Are you REAL? Are you REALLY REAL??'
then we get Dean changing into a werewolf with the President yelling things at him like 'Heel!' 'Sit!" and the classic "Down, Boy!'
so wish I was kidding right now.......
I'd fill you in on more of the actual plot, but I'm not sure that there's much more to this movie than what I've showed you. And I say I'm not sure there is because I can't make myself care enough to go back and try to figure out if there was. I'll be honest, I took a couple of five to ten minute snoozes during this crap-fest and I couldn't even be bothered to rewind.
However, I didn't fall asleep for any time that Elvira was on screen. And I can't bitch too much, because somehow Elvira managed to more than make up for the previous hour and a half of awfulness:
After waiting forever and a day, I popped it in on a Saturday night, crossed my fingers, and immediately lowered my expectations. (It's not just a way to watch movies - it's a way of life, my friends.)
I thought the storyline - cult movie from the early 80's that seemingly 'disappeared' after showing in only a handful of places and making people so upset that it was deemed too terrible for people to watch and thus had to be destroyed- was interesting even though the whole urban legend angle sort of feels a little overdone at this point. I thought the killer dude was a whole TON of Creepariousness, and I started getting invested in the story - or so I thought.
I fell asleep despite my best attempts at staying awake (and genuinely wanting to see the end) - or so I thought.
I planned on getting right back to it the next night - but instead it sat on my shelf for an entire WEEK before I got back to it. I finished it the next weekend - and I thought the end was fairly satisfying and I'll probably buy it once I don't have to pay more than five bucks for it. (I know, I'm the proverbial Pot calling the Kettle a Cheap Ass).
But there was something about the movie that didn't quite satisfy - and finally, it hit me. You're probably not going to believe me, but there was a day and a time and YEARS when horror movies did not always consist of a whole cast of teenagers. I know - it's like when I talk about growing up with THREE WHOLE CHANNELS, you're all.....How did you LIVE, Lady????
Some chick doin'....something.
And it's not that I think we need to eliminate movies with high school or college students - after all, they are what makes the slasher movie go 'round-it's just that I wonder what kind of different flavor a movie like this could have had if the plot had featured maybe an older movie buff (perhaps with a failed movie career themselves) who had a chance to see this movie when they were younger, and maybe chickened out (and always regretted it) - and were since obsessed with it - perhaps to the detriment of their life and relationships around them - and maybe by chance suddenly find a new lead to (finally!) real proof that this movie actually existed - maybe a story line like that with a little more meat on it - with actors with more life experience - would have given the movie a little more substance and interest than watching a younger, cockier, 'hey I'm so obsessed with this and it makes me so coooool' type of vibe.
Or maybe I'm just old.
In any case, just to show you that I'm not completely nuts, let me give you some evidence.
For Example: The Omen: Gregory Peck and Lee Remick. A great director, a great story, and outstanding acting. Who doesn't love this movie? Compare this with the remake we were treated to a few years ago with the 'younger, hipper' version staring Julia Stiles and Liev Schreiber. While not the worst remake ever (whoops, didn't see you standing there, The Fog!) I can't feel for the young couple who have the bad fortune to end up with Satan's firstborn like I do for Gregory Peck and Lee Remick, a couple who are a little older and more clearly desperate for a child (and thus, I think, a lot more likely to sweep their son's, ahem, idiosyncrasies, under the table).
Vincent Price: Was Vincent Price ever a teenager? I keed, I keed. Price's later hijinks involving the Brady Bunch aside, pretty sure he made the majority of his films not about scary things that happened at the beach, or on campus, or during some drunken college party.
(Side note: not that I don't enjoy myself a movie or two from the 50's that involve dancing teenagers and scary things that happen at the beach....F*CK YEAH, I do!)
AND not that there aren't great horror stories on film about teenagers - think Carrie, for instance - I just wish that every dang horror movie didn't have to be about them. House of the Devil is another great example where the desperateness and naivete of youth are part of the whole backbone of the story.
So I'm not saying, let's get rid of movies where we play that game of 'Let's Kill off The Naughty Teenagers', I'm just saying - let's share the love a little bit and think about expanding story lines to include people who may have different experiences or perspectives to bring to The Scary.
And maybe stop with the remakes and the sequels for a while. Just you know, a thought.
Last Sunday I really wanted nothing more than to kick back and relax before I had to get back to my weekly grind of, well, my weekly grind. So what better way than to pass a Sunday afternoon than a good old fashioned movie about two subjects that everyone loves: A) The Mexican - American War; and B) Cannibalism!
Throw in Guy Pearce and Robert Carlyle (throwing down some of the creepiest moves ever to be caught on celluloid), a shitload of the red stuff, and you've got 100 minutes that have to contain at least one scene that will either make you feel like your lunch is going to come up; or have you questioning that decision to make sloppy joes for supper. (And yeah, before you ask, that's EXACTLY what was simmering away on the stove on this particular Sunday)
Ravenous was one of those little hidden gem movies - I watched it because I worked in a video store; and in those days, I watched things just because they existed and they were free. (What happened to all that free time? anyway.....)
I was so blown away by Ravenous - the freaky-ASS score, the story, and whatever-the-hell-Robert-Carlyle-is-doing-outside-the-cave-with-his-crazy-man-on-acid-moves (and honestly, nobody has scared me more just by digging in the dirt) - that I pushed this movie on everyone around me, and probably ended up seeing it myself a half dozen times.
I didn't own a copy till a few years ago - pretty sure it was a gift from the BFF, KK - and despite thinking of the movie often and genuinely wanting to see it again - I just haven't.
I think the more time that went by - and therefore the less I remembered about it, other than that I loved it - which made me want to rewatch it even more - but I think that since I couldn't remember it that well - I also became more apprehensive about watching it. Just what was it about the movie that a)freaked me out so much and b)made me rave about it so much.
What I found was this: 1) I never forgot that I thought the score was beyond creepy; and as soon as that bing-bing-bing crap started, I was all 'OH CRIPES THERE IT IS' 2) I actually remembered the entire first half of the movie and 3) It was just that I forgot the whole second half.
Which was actually a good thing, because once the first half was over, (besides Robert Carlyle doing his Creepy McCreeperson Dance), I was kind of wondering why I liked the movie so much years ago. Then in the second half - in my opinion- things REALLY get interesting. Throw in a little Native American legend for good measure, and let the Freakiness fly.
It's the weekend and everybody knows that there's no better way your old Ma loves to relax than by watching a Mutant Killer Animal movie.
This time however, it's time to move from land into the water and get into the horror that is....
TENTACLES.
Tentacles comes to us all the way from 1977 and is another Samuel Z Arkoff presentation, which is He Who What Brung You Empire of the Ants.
Tentacles and Empire of the Ants are both actually on the same MGM Midnite Movies disc, but for my money, Tentacles is the more fun of the two. It has more action, more interesting characters, and people actually try to save their own lives when attacked by the monster! Crazy!
We also start our film with a little PSA showing us what could happen when you leave your kids unattended with a mutant killer octopus around:
Let that be a lesson to you, people!
Tentacles is also the movie that inspired a trip down my TV memory lane.
The 70's are a decade that never fail to amaze me - and by that I mean by the level of cheese produced by the film and television industry. However, I am a fan of cheese - especially when it's been aged by about 30 years. I grew up during the 70's, but since I was born just before they started (literally - by days) a lot of my memories of that time is fuzzy around the edge. But give me a nudge in the right direction (like this classic of a film did) and it tends to knock the dust of other memories of things I do remember enjoying back then (and thought I couldn't live without).
The cast is pure 70's goodness. For instance, we have John Huston as the crack reporter, and Claude Akins (!) as the sheriff. Claude Akins was the John Saxon of the 70's. Which means, pretty much every time you see him on screen, he's playing a cop of some kind. And it also means every time I see him, I'm going to yell out 'Sheriff Lobo!' to nobody in particular.
Which was a spin off from this show (sadly, Sheriff Lobo is NOT found in the opening credits)
And to borrow a quote from the great Barry White, not 'nothin' and nobody could keep me away' from my BJ and the Bear as a kid.
BTW....Now all I can think of when I watch this (and I haven't seen it since the show was on) is how much that f**king cab must REEK of monkey shit. I mean, think about the last time you went to the zoo and visited the primate building - seriously, HOW DID THIS MAN EVER GET ANY CHICKS???? Which is exactly what he did, was hook up with a new female every episode.....all of which, of course, loved the monkey. First thing BJ probably did was get them to change the damn monkey's diaper. Good Times!!! No wonder he had a new woman in every episode, who's going to hook up for a long term relationship with a stinky trucker who lives in a poop filled 18 wheeler and makes you change his monkey's diapers?
Back to the film.... We also have Shelley Winters and we even have Henry Fonda.....who phones in his small part:
literally.
I'd like to sum up what makes this movie so much fun using a new segment we've developed here at the Firefly Ranch. A little segment I like to call : Ah, The 70's!
Where I point out features of this movie that could only exist in the 70's and nowhere else.
Here we go:
Ah, The 70's! 1. Where THIS guy can be the EXPERT on life in the sea:
This would be Bo Hopkins, who's pretty much the 70's version of Matthew McConaughey. Which is a pretty good trick, considering that Matthew McConaughey is pretty much already the 70's version of Matthew McConaughey.
But don't underestimate Bo Hopkins, he's got a pair of these and he's so NOT afraid to use them:
(Think I'm kidding, don't you?)
2. Where Shelley Winters and John Huston can be siblings.....and Shelley can be the hot mama who seduces a new man every night and tells her brother about her recent conquests the next morning:
3. Where THIS is what you wear to take your kid on an outing and five bucks to enter your kid in a sailboat race is highway robbery:
4. Where only CRAZY-ASSES put sunscreen on their kids!! So, anyway, here's the plot: Killer. Giant. Octopus. Not scared? Well, listen to this:
Boom, Baby!
And behold:
The octopus also manages to put a damper on the race: Shit, what is a small oceanside town to do? Well, thank our lucky stars, we've got not only an EXPERT oceanographer in our midst: (Apparently a graduate of the Dean Stockwell School of Facial Expressions):
But also he's a Bona Fide Killer Shark Whisperer as well!
So well, apparently, that all he has to do is just ask the Killer Sharks reeeeeeeeel nice like....... Apparently buttering up your killer whales with a few compliments doesn't hurt either: And Killer Whales will GLADLY lay the smackdown for you: That's a killer whale laying the smackdown on an octopus, btw.
And all's well that ends well, apparently. Only one thing left to do.... Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
"Another blog I've only recently discovered, Mother Firefly's posts have a unique and lighthearted tone that simply put me in a good mood. Couple that with good writing and subject matter and you've got an underrated blog well worth the read."-Emily from The Deadly Doll's House of Horror Nonsense
Mother Firefly is, quite simply, an über cool lady and her blog is a delicious den of horrifying goodness. Love her. - Jinx from Totally Jinxed
to the score to the nanny flapping in the breeze; for my money, you can't do much better than The Omen.
..and not once but TWICE while typing that last sentence I woke up under some kind of trance with about two sentences of type consisting of nothing but 'pppppppttttttttttttttttttt' or 'nnnnnnnnnnnnnnn')
