Pirahna 3-D

I had a rare weekday off today, so I planned an excursion involving corned beef and flesh eating mutant fish. Not at the same time, mind you, but I did find myself at the Brookfield Majestic Ultrascreen (with about five other people, one being Papa Cash) to watch the epic that is:

The reason I mention where I saw this film is because this screen is huge. And I mean HUGE. It's 72 feet wide and three stories tall, according to their website. Sounds neato, right? Well, maybe - but even though I was almost at the back of the theater, I kept finding that I was pushing my head into the back of my seat - trying to get away from the giant King Kong screen that felt like it was trying to sear itself into my brain and brainwash me into buying stock in the Marcus Corporation.  And I didn't even purposely pick the Ultrascreen - I was only there because the theater I usually go to wasn't showing Pirahna in 3-D, and I didn't even realize that the movie was playing on the Ultra.

   

  I left feeling kind of banged around - with a headache and my eyes feeling wore out - so I'm looking forward to seeing this movie again, on the Firefly Ranch home theater.  (I'm finding more and more I prefer my own home movie experience to going to the movies lately).  I'm looking forward to watching it at home so I can see if I can actually, you know, SEE STUFF. 

I realize that pirahna move really fast and are all crazy n shit, and I would imagine if you're being eaten alive in the water by a thousand fish, you're probably not going to be staying real still. Arms and legs are gonna flail and water is going to splash. But I've said it before (most recently with Zombieland) and I'll say it again: SLOW THE FREAK DOWN AND SHOW ME SOME SHIT. 

There were some great shots and some awesome kills (which I define as those that make me laugh out loud)  but there were way more times that I felt like : Huh? Wha? WTF just happened? 

And then I'd try to extricate the back of my head from the permanent indent I made in the seat cushion. 

I am a fan of the original Pirahna, and for the most part, I've sworn off remakes and sequels. But I didn't feel that the original Pirahna was something so sacred it couldn't be touched, and I looked it at more as another movie about killer fish - and Mama is nothing if not a HUGE sucker for monsters in the water films. I love underwater shots, and camera shots that zoom through the water from the monster's perspective make me feel all warm and gooshy inside. 

So even though it was technically a remake - for me, it really didn't feel like one - I felt like they just kept the basic premise and did their own thing. I especially loved the little shout-out to real fans of horror with the cameo by Richard Dreyfuss in the beginning - they didn't stop at just having him in the movie, they added a couple of inside jokes that only fans of Jaws will get.   It was a nice nod to classic horror.

Overall, the movie was heavy on the red stuff  and probably about as gory as they could get away with. I hope the DVD will come unrated with even more goo and body parts. I loved the big carnage scene, and the party scene (boobies included) didn't annoy me too much. I think as far as what we've been offered with  mainstream horror, this was fun.  I just don't know that the 3-D aspect really made it any more enjoyable for me - and it was the big reason I saw it so quickly - because I imagine in a week or two, it'll be replaced by the next thing in 3-D.   And I have seen other films in 3-D and didn't feel so overwhelmed by them.

Sigh. Maybe Mama is just not a kid anymore. (You think? -Capt. Obvious Editor).  But hey, for some escapism on my day off, it fit the bill. None of the acting made me cringe (too much) and Eli Roth's death was pretty sweet. Keep your eyes peeled for the barely-there Greg Nicotero cameo.

Oh, and BTW, Milwaukee, if you haven't been to McBob's for a corned beef sandwich, do yourself a favor and get there pronto.

Here's a link to a blog post singing the praises of McBob's much more eloquently than I could. And with pictures! 

The Changeling

As far as good old fashioned 70's haunted house cream filled goodness goes, you can't do much better than The Changeling. 

Also, you have George C. Scott, smokin' his way through the mystery. This was before people started saying that movies with cigarettes should be rated R. I'd love to see those people tell old Georgie that. 

George is married with kid in this flick, and you know 30 seconds in that they're just way too freaking happy and in love with each other to not be taken down by tragedy before the credits even play.  They smile and laugh as they push their broken down car through the snow, and then Mom and daughter have the AUDACITY to laugh some more while they break out into a good old fashioned snow ball fight while Dad George goes to use the pay phone to call for help.

End to your happy life in 3....2....1..... 

Yeah. Bye bye, happy life, hello, walking slowly and moodily through the credits while you mourn.

George ends up moving, and gets saddled with what must be the least efficient real estate agent ever.  Because when I think 'housing for single widower', immediately I think of:

 Yep. PERFECT for one. single. person.

 Well, whatever, if Old Georgie didn't move in this castle, we wouldn't have a movie, and then I couldn't blog about it with my own special brand of retardedness. And that would be a TRAVESTY.

So George moves in, he mopes, he smokes, and shit starts to happen. Beginning with the old 'loud strange banging noises'  bit.  Which, for whatever reason, always gives me the willies. I often freak myself out at night when I go to bed by imagining what I'd do if that kind of crap started in my house. Because some nights I need a break from imagining what I'd do if zombies tried to get in my house.

Anyway.....

George has enough weird crap going on that he needs to go down to the historical society and investigate the story behind this massive house with the loud banging.  

Here's we get the old 'NOBODY EVAH COULD LIVE IN THAT HOUSE EVAH' bit.

'IT DOESN'T WANT PEOPLE...WHOOOOHAHAHAHAHAHAHA'

Okay, so I added the laugh part....but it was there in my head, anyway.

To which George's response, in true George fashion, is  I'll just have a smoke on yer porch and think about that some:

George learns that a little girl died in the house, but getting more information doesn't make the big banging noises stop:

                             where the hell i'd leave my cigarettes anyway?

Eventually George finds out that the story of this little girl doesn't really explain what's going on in the house, so he starts to investigate the house itself, starting with the attic.

                 At which point I started to hope that what was causing the banging was GIANT KILLER SPIDERS living in the attic. Because nothing would be Kick-Ass Cooler than watching George C. Scott fight GIANT KILLER SPIDERS. 

But - no.

And in true 70's fashion, eventually we have a seance.  What happened to seances in horror movies anyway?

                                  you just KNOW this shit is a bad idea.

I'm not going to give away the mystery, but that everything finally comes to a head as George delves deeper and deeper into the secrets.  

I will give you a hint as to who is haunting the house, though:

 

No matter - it's definitely no match for George 'I'll pull glass out of my own neck' Scott.

It's not a perfect movie - at some point you start to wonder why the ghost is torturing George so much - seeing as though he's working so hard to find out what happened. But I think it's a fun, creepy movie and it does have some moments (like the banging) that are genuinely scary.  Or maybe I'm just nostalgic for haunted house movies. 

Smoke up, Georgie!
Mother Firefly

Defining Moments

If someone were to ask me to show them 30 seconds out of my life that would define my personality and the way I think about life, then I might have to showcase a clip from earlier this week.

I was driving in downtown Milwaukee, and had stopped at a light. Across the street, facing me, on the right side, a blond woman stood waiting for the light to change so she could cross. She looked to be mid 30's, fairly attractive, and dressed casually but neatly. She was alone, and her gaze was fixated across the street, probably on the light, waiting for it to change, probably half daydreaming about something else. Her eyes never wavered from what she was staring at.

The corner was quiet, there weren't many other cars - maybe one on the other side of the street, also stopped for the light, and I didn't see any other pedestrians around.

Except - about 50 feet behind her, slowly shuffling up the street towards the woman waiting on the corner, was a man.

An older man - probably in his 60's, probably homeless, who probably at one time had a stroke that affected the right side of his body. He was walking very slowly, and he too, was staring off into the same direction the woman was.... probably wondering when the light would change and if he would make it to the corner in time.

He wasn't pushing a cart, wasn't carrying a thing, just ambulating slowly - first with the left side of his body ......then dragging the less strong side of his body to catch up with the rest. First left.......then riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.....left.....then riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

The blond woman never moved, her glance never wavered, and she remained (as far as I could tell) oblivious that she may soon be having company on her corner.

All these details came together in my mind in quick order, the woman, the gaze, the man, the shuffle, her oblivion, and then out of my mouth popped the only thing that made sense, I said it, by myself, in the car, and it was out of my mouth before I could even process what I was saying.

"They're coming to get you, BARBARA."

Yes. That is how my brain works EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. Permanently (and happily) seeing the world in Romero-Vision.


Johnny, Stop It!
-Mother Firefly

Psychos In Love

When it comes to movies, most of us have that handful of films that we've watched a dozen times and quote from on a regular basis. Maybe we've even watched them so many times we can recite most of the dialogue along with the movie. (But please don't do this unless you're alone. Note to everyone: This is ANNOYING as F*CK, and nobody wants to hear you and the movie in stereo. NOBODY.)

When I was a kid, my favorite quotable movies among me and my friends were The Sure Thing, Weird Science, and The Big Chill. Not sure why a bunch of fifteen year olds were watching The Big Chill every weekend, but there you have it. In my old life, before nursing school, my co-worker Mandy used to quote Billy Madison to me on a regular basis. (She does a kick-ass Adam Sandler, too, btw. Buy her a margarita and a piece of cake and I'm sure she'll tell you why shampoo is better.) When I'm with my BFFs in Michigan, we like to talk about how we like being COVERED IN BEES.......



Well, I have another one of those quotable faves - except this movie I have nobody to quote it with - or, anyone who gets it if I do quote it.

This movie also eluded me for a very long time. All I had for most of the twenty three (!) years since it came out was a crappy dubbed VHS copy. Then one lucky Saturday I found a used VHS in the Monster Store. (I miss the Monster Store...anyone else in Milwaukee remember the Monster Store?) Then FINALLY a couple of years ago it finally made it to DVD, around the same time that another classic, Student Bodies, was released.

It was my Mom who recommended Psychos to me all those years ago, when she told me she'd just watched a weird movie about a serial killer who hated grapes. She said, and I quote, 'this is your kind of movie'.

She was right. I watched it, fell in love, and probably watched it every weekend during my senior year in high school. I quoted it, I can still quote it now (not that anyone really gives a crap) and I'm relieved that it didn't linger in VHS purgatory forever. (Which is the reason that I still cling to my VCR - I have too many of those films that still haven't made it to DVD)

So, we have Joe:
Who likes to kill women...at random:





We have Kate:

Who likes to kill men....at random:


They're just a couple of crazy psycho kids that meet and fall in love.....and, yes, they both hate grapes.

Not only do they support each other in their.....hobbies, they also team up a few times in order to strengthen their relationship and spend quality time together:


There's also a side story involving a plumber who likes to kill his customers, cut them up, take them home and make them for dinner:


In between all of this, there's lots of over the top blood, gore, and yes, plenty of boobies. There's also songs, some nekkid black-lit dancing, and plenty of jokes regarding the behind the scenes camera men:


Eventually, Joe and Kate's sink backs up - the result of putting one too many bodies down the garbage disposal - and they end up calling a plumber:

Who happens to be the other serial killer in town, and who wants to blackmail Joe and Kate into providing him dinner on a regular basis:


You'll just have to watch the movie to find out how the Psychos in Love handle this little conundrum.

Psychos In Love is probably not a movie for everyone. It's extremely silly and there are a couple of scenes that I even have to fast forward - although if you like naked women shining black light on their boobies, then you may not use the FF button as much as I do. But if you like other horror spoofs like Saturday the 14th, Student Bodies, or even the Scary Movies, you might want to check this one out.

-Mother Firefly

The Wolfman

I didn't think I'd like this movie. I wasn't even sure I wanted to see it. After all, as a fellow video store employee once said to me, 'Werewolves are cool, but there's not many COOL movies ABOUT werewolves'. This was in the 90's - before the Ginger Snaps series and during the heyday of the totally unnecessary Howling sequels. Adding to my policy of generally avoiding sequels and remakes, and that in the bottom of my lil black heart, I'm just a girl who grew up with black and white Lon Chaney Jr. as 'The Wolfman' and I don't like change. Besides, have you seen LC Jr in that movie? The brother is all kinds of dreamy in that old fashioned yummy movie star way. He was never lovelier.

I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I actually kind of liked this movie. I'm not running out to buy it or anything - but I'd probably pick it up for the right price. I also won't say it's a great movie - the plot moves pretty slow in the beginning and there was a time when Mother was doing the old 'must...keep...eyes...open...' bit. And there are a couple of times when the plot just doesn't make any dang sense.

But what I did like about the movie was the overall gothic tone, the absolute no-holds-barred bloody violent slaughtering at the hands of the Wolfman....and as much as I heart Lon Chaney, somehow the maniacal killing sprees of this werewolf seem more realistic. I'd expect that a werewolf should be a bad-ass killing machine.

The movie has its share of CGI moments, but the werewolf for the most part is exactly what a monster should be - a guy in a furry suit with a zipper in the back. Mother has spoken. Amen.

Also check out the special features with Rick 'Just hand over the Oscar and we'll call it a night' Baker. The way they created the werewolf feet and made them able to walk in them while in the werewolf suits is especially neato.

So overall, it's not perfect, but i do think the influence of Rick Baker and his creation of the werewolf makeups (and his desire to pay tribute to the old makeup and also update it) made the movie. If it'd been a CGI Cluster F*ck ala Van Helsing, it'd have no doubt been a mess.

Or, maybe I just like my werewolves to wear pants. I guess I'm just an old fashioned girl after all.

Rawr,
Mother Firefly

Thankskilling

If you're able to stream movies on Netflix and you're thinking to yourself, Gee, tonight might be the night for a low budget film featuring a homicidal animal puppet with a potty mouth who likes to make with the corny one -liners just before slaughtering people, then hot damn, you're in luck.


If the above doesn't make you want to watch this movie, then nothing will. It's probably everything you already think it is - and if that kind of thing doesn't make you want to cry and bang your head on the floor, then by all means, check out Thankskilling.


And hey, it's only about 65 minutes long. Which, in my book, is exactly how long a movie about a homicidal turkey puppet should last. Dear Filmmakers, Mother Firefly and her short attention span salute you.

Yes, the man is dressed as a turkey, and the turkey is dressed as a man. Holy coincidence, Batman!

It just occurred to me that this is the second horror movie I've watched in a year to feature poultry as the antagonist.

Yikes,
Mother Firefly

Final Girl Film Club: House of the Devil

This month's Final Girl Film Club choice is......

Here's my review from the Milwaukee Film Festival last year.

Make sure you go to Final Girl to read all the cool kids' reviews!

-Mother Firefly

Party Like It's 1968

I made it!!

I managed to make it to the Night of the Living Dead Puppet Show DVD Release Party on Friday night. I work ALOT at home after work; and after THREE HOURS of work at my kitchen table, missing the 8 pm showing time, I was more than a little resentful by the time I finally got to get out of the house and have some fun:


Don't chart angry, people.

But I did finally make it out of my house to dinner (BTW, my Milwaukee friends - do yourself a favor and visit Rio West on Friday or Saturday night - you won't be disappointed) and a margarita and a half (I helped Papa Cash finish his second), we went to Landmark Lanes to see if my favorite people that put on a zombie puppet show based on NOLD were still there.

They were. Not only did I pick up a copy of the DVD, I got a t-shirt, a button, and the best part - I got to hang with some of the most talented, nicest people in this town. Not only are they my FAVORITE people that put on a zombie puppet show based on NOLD, they're also the nicest.

AND - they played the DVD again around 10, so I had a chance to see it there with a bunch of great people and an alcoholic beverage. (Thanks for the beer, Josh!)

The DVD is wonderful - it's a fun way to revisit the show if you've seen it live, and it's a great substitute if you're not fortunate enough to have been able to see it in person (yet), but to really appreciate the creativity and genius that goes into the show, you really need to see it live. So keep an eye on their website (and here with Mama Firefly) for news on future shows.

But in the meantime, go to the website. Support zombies AND puppets (seriously, who doesn't love both?) and order yourself a copy. Mama says DO IT.

The DVD is 15.00, plus S/H, and the quality is positively out of sight.

Email info@angryyoungmenltd.com for details.

Blu-Ray Fun

I always said that I wouldn't replace ALL my DVD's with Blu-Ray -and while I still stand by that - after all, is ANYONE really clamoring for Guru: The Mad Monk in Hi-Def?- I have ended up buying a few classics in Blu-Ray. That is, when they're good and cheap. Let it never be said that Mother's grad school 'cheap-ass' tendencies ever totally went away.

While I have a couple that I think I could have lived without - specifically Evil Dead II and Day of the Dead. I didn't think ED II was much of an improvement, and I didn't even LIKE the way DotD looked in Hi-Def. But there are a few Blu-Rays that I think were worth the investment.




1. Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Yes, the original, for God's sake. I would have thought a low budget move such as this would be a waste on Blu-Ray, but it actually looks and sounds pretty out of sight. In fact, it sounded so good that once I even whipped my head around and wondered who was banging around outside. Not cute at 2 am when the P.Cash is at work and Mother is alone with three cats. And Leatherface kind of scared me all over again. I even had to remind myself at one point that I've met Gunnar Hansen and he was a pretty nice guy.












2. Halloween. Again, the original. I've said before that Halloween was a movie that I discovered 'later' in my life - I saw it when I was younger and I liked it, but it never was one of my all-time favorites. Not that I would never argue against its genius, I just don't think I really got to pay it the attention it deserved. On Blu-Ray, it's simply gorgeous. The colors of the trees are so vibrant (and maybe a little too green) that I kept forgetting it was supposed to be fall. No matter, it's positively lovely on Hi-Def. Mama says GET ONE.













3. American Werewolf in London. LOVE this movie. Reviewed it once here during my first 31 Days of Halloween. Out of the three, this is probably the movie I've watched the most times over the years - and I still noticed all kinds of cool details I never picked up on before. That, to me, is the mark of a great Blu-Ray.









Oh yeah, and they were all under 12 bucks. Loves it.

I Won-ded

A few weeks ago I got an email from Film Fetish saying I'd won a contest but the prize hadn't been revealed yet. And then, bam, this showed up in my mailbox:

Of course I remember this film from when it came out - I know I watched it on VHS once and then never again. I don't recall having strong feelings about it either way - and I'm sure I've never seen it again since its original release.

But since I love winning things, I was all kinds of excited about my new prize and excited to watch it. I even tried to talk Papa Cash into watching it with me.




His response:
'Why would I want to watch a twenty year old horror movie?'

My response:
'WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU NOT WANT TO?'


Anyway...cut to tonight when the P.Cash is at a Brewers game, my work is done, I'm off tomorrow, and the time is RIGHT for some straight up Terry O'Quinn INSANITY.
80's style.

What's really interesting to me about this movie is that it works. It works despite the filmmakers giving away all the secrets as soon as the movie starts. (For an example of where this technique does anything BUT work, see : Prom Night Remake).

In less than ten minutes, they've laid it all out on the table. Not only do we get the goriest scene in the movie, we're told that Terry O'Quinn is batshit nuts, he's dangerous, and oh yeah - those people in that house pissed him off REAL BAD. But he's still civil enough to tidy up a little and put the bloody phone back on the hook before he leaves.

Cut to the next family - Terry O'Quinn looks different, has a new family, acts like the perfect husband and father - but we all know the real deal here. Hell, even the new stepdaughter knows SOMETHING is not quite right with this dude. She even suspects that he just MIGHT be the same dude who slaughtered his family and disappeared.


But despite all the information we're given so early in the film, it still manages to work. Terry O'Quinn is so wonderfully imbalanced that the suspense lies in waiting to see what he's going to do next - there's no question that he'll lose it eventually, it's just a matter of when.

Which got Mother thinking about the good old days - and by the good old days, I mean the golden age of horror which was known as the 80's. (Not that I'm implying that the 80's were the only golden age of horror- certainly not - but back then it seemed like there was so much more to choose from. There were so many films that were GREAT - that a film like The Stepfather - probably low key in comparison to a lot of films from then - was, for me, not as exciting or intense as many of the other films I was watching then.

Cut to 25 years later and compare it to the myriad of sequels and remakes we're offered - and The Stepfather positively shines in comparison. Which is probably why I enjoyed it more now than I did all those years ago. We were SPOILED, my friends, completely and utterly SPOILED.

I want it NOW,
Mother 'Veruca' Firefly

Pontypool

Okay, I'll admit it - Mama has been thinking about this movie for DAYS trying to decide what to say about it.

So I suppose - if I've ruminated on a film for this long - it must have something memorable about it.

I thought Pontypool was going to be a zombie film - and while it has elements of the genre, it's not a true zombie film. I also had to buy Pontypool to see it, since Netflix doesn't have it available to rent. (Bastards).




Pontypool only has a handful of characters - and one so irritating I wanted to slap right through the TV, the likes of which I haven't had the urge since the stupid guy who sings the free credit report dot com song.

Officially sealed in my hate box forever.

Pontypool's three main characters are Grant Mazzy (Stephen McHattie), his producer Sidney (Lisa Houle) and technician Laurel Ann (Georgina Reilly). Mazzy is a disc jockey who's clearly used to shaking things up on the radio, but is constantly being reined in by his producer, who just wants Mazzy to stick to the routine of announcing school closings and other local news.


The movie takes place during one snowy dark morning that starts off in the usual way (if you ignore the strange encounter that Mazzy has on his way to work) but slowly turns completely bizarre as reports of riots and murders start filtering in to the station. For me, this is the part of the movie that really works.

The snow, the early morning darkness, the isolation of the basement production studio, and the way that the characters get small pieces of information at a time - and then it's only second hand information that's being described to them. It's frustrating and tense - and it also makes for great suspense.


I'm not going to tell you what's really behind all the violence in this small town - because, as I said, a huge part of the film is getting bits of information as it unfolds.


However, even though I thought I understood the movie - and also read a few articles after watching the movie to HELP me understand it - I'm still kind of like, huh?

But - the head scratching that has ensued would still not stop me from recommending this movie. Stephen McHattie was great - and even though I'm not sure if I was supposed to hate the character of Sydney or not - I'll still watch this movie and I'd still buy it if I had been able to rent it. Because in my book - if you're still rolling the plot around in your brains a week after watching it - that must be worth something.

As an end note - what's even more amazing to me is that when I went to the official movie website:

Pontypool

I found that the director, Bruce McDonald, also directed The Tracey Fragments. I couldn't recall one scene of that horrible mess if you paid me. But what I do know is that when I see the title of that movie I fight the urge to go hide in my closet, rock back and forth and suck my thumb. I love Papa Cash, but there are more than a few pieces of celluloid torture I'd never have been exposed to if it weren't for his questionable choices.

So, Dearhearts, watch Pontypool, and tell me what you think. If you're expecting a straight up zombie film full of action and gore, this probably isn't the film you need to rent. But if you'd like to be challenged to think a little bit - and I'm not saying that I understand all of it - and you like suspense and movies that unfold a little slower than average, this may be a film for you.

-Mother Firefly

DVD Release Party !!!!

My favorite zombie puppet show is planning a DVD release party in a couple of weeks. Be there, Milwaukee. You know your life will be richer for it.

Night of the Living Dead Puppet Show DVD Release Party:
Friday, July 13th
7:30 pm
Landmark Lanes on Downer (next to the Oriental)

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