Bring On the Vampire Hookers

This is one of my fond memories from my mom's video store days. If you've been reading my blog, you'll remember we used to trade movies with another store owner...and this is one of the treats we picked up there. It was also one of the movies featured on Terror on Tape. For years this movie was only a memory to me, until I moved here to Milwaukee. Papa Cash and I went to a video store that was closing off and selling all their inventory (at insanely high prices) but hidden among the overpriced madness was this little gem........and in the wonderful big old box I remembered from my glory days. I bought it and watched it and it was just as wonderful as I'd remembered. I've held on to this gem because I assumed it would NEVER be released again....but praise the DVD gods, I was wrong.

So I ordered myself the double feature of Cemetery Girls/Vampire Hookers...which allows you the choice of watching either film or both back to back with grindhouse trailers and intermission! I chose the second version but hit the fast forward so I could get to the Hooker goodness....

Our movie begins with our heroes, Tom and Terry, sailors on leave looking for a good time. On their way out they run into their captain, who's already headed to the good time he's got planned for himself.....and Captain introduces the duo to his cab driving guide, Julio, who assures the two he can hook them up with anything they want.... but for now the Captain is taking up Julio's time.....


So the two wander around town, looking for a good time, and end up in a bar where Terry ends up walking in on a 'chick' in the men's room.......using the ultilites in an interesting fashion..........which apparently is not enough to clue the dumbass in...


It's a man, baby!

Sadly, our sailor friend is not smart enough to pay attention to SUBTLE clues and a crazy fist fight ensues when Terry figures out his woman has a package he doesn't want....can't have a Vampire Hooker movie without at least one fist fight, now can we? But luckily just as things get hairy, the Captain and Julio drive up in the cab to whisk our heroes out of danger's way....
The wacky foursome hit another bar and spy a beautiful buxom lass at the bar....soon they are arguing about who saw her first and ANOTHER fistfight ensues.....Seriously, ONE fistfight per Vampire Hooker movie is enough!

The Captain, Julio, and the sexy lady all take off in the cab......Captain is thinking he's hit the jackpot until the woman informs him they are going to her home....in the CEMETERY......(cue the music).......Captain is nervous about this proposition but since hormones beat out fear every time, he follows the woman to her tomb....I mean home...


But the Captain has cold feet again and informs he won't be doing it in a coffin! But our sexy friend assures him...

"Coffins are for being laid to rest......not for being laid....."

And they descend down the secret staircase into the catacombs below. And who else is also living downstairs? Why, it's John Carradine and his manservant, Pavo.

El Sexy One is doing her best to charm and seduce her new friend.....who is doing his best to get her to leave and go to a hotel.....when....Johnny C and two new sexies with long teeth wander in. And you can just imagine how this scene ends....
Best death sounds ever.....Ahhhhrrrgggggggahhhhaaaaaahhhhhh

One very odd (seemingly unexplainable) thing about this movie is the continued flatulence of the vampire's manservant, Pavo. He passes gas in pretty much every scene he's in......apparently pretty offensive gas even to the man himself....as after every time he does it, he's frantically waving his hand in front of either his face or his rear end.
I SO wish I was kidding about this.

Meanwhile, in the daylight, our sailor friends are wondering why the Captain never turned up again ...eventually they spy Julio taking another sailor for a ride with our Sexy Friend....and they hire another cab to follow them. Of course, they end up at the cemetery and do some creepin' and spyin' around.

We find that the new sailor has already been dispensed of and is hanging upside down, being bled out. One of the girls is making drinks with a blender from the drippings, and utters one of the best lines in the film.

'I'm so sick and tired of these bloody mary's'

Johnny C invites Pavo to have a drink, who immediately spits it out and goes in a corner to cry about it. Awww. Poor Pavo apparently wants his fangs so badly but can't stand the taste of blood....

Tom makes some noise and the gang is alerted to his prescense. Immediately they go on the chase.....and the chase scenes are highlighted by what is maybe the goofiest chase scene music ever. It sounds like you're listening to some old Nintendo game that is stuck on a loop.....
Boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop......

Terry hears Tom screaming and takes off to help him....soon the gang catches up with them and has the courtesy to introduce themselves before they suck the blood out of the sailors.....after all,
'It's not Murder, It's Dinner!"
Vampire Roll Call!..............Marcy!

Susie!
Cherish!
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiichmond Reed!!

but just as our heroes are due to become dinner, the sun comes up and the vampire gang must flee...and Richmond Reed informs them via poetry, that he will catch up with them again.

Tom says they should tell someone, because that's what you do.....report it to the authorities.....Terry says no but goes along reluctantly....

But somehow Tom and Terry end up convincing the a-thor-a-tays to go out and poke around the tomb...when inexplicably, the cops turn around, leave, and let the tomb shut with Tom inside it.....Tom is trapped with nothing but the sound and stench of Pavo's massive flatulence to keep him company.....

Must be potent stuff, as the next scene finds Tom waking up tied up in a bed surrounded with paintings of a devil like figure gettin' it on with various ladies. It seems that Tom would be dinner but the girls have other plans and beg Richmond to let them have a night of debauchery....

As one of the girls proclaims,

I don't mind being a vampire but this is like being a nun!

Richard relents and the girls rejoice....and suddenly Tom isn't in such a big hurry to go anywhere!
Yay Richmond!

And such begins what is possibly the longest Vampire Hooker Orgy scene on film...although it's pretty tame, and consists of corny 70's background music, kissing, lots of hair flippin', and breasts. Oh- and frequent flashes to the erotic paintings on the walls....just in case we 're not sure of what's taking place in the bedroom....
flip.............
and flip.............
and flip..............
weeeeeeeeeee.....and FLIP!

.....and we're spent.........

Meanwhile, Terry tries various things to save his friend....and eventually gets Julio to take him out to the cemetery....Terry runs into Pavo and the hilarious chase scene music begins again!!! Boop boop boop boop.............

Vampire with a Knife????

Terry clocks Pavo out quite easily but finds the vampire gang closing in on him...
but Terry pulls the ol' makeshift cross trick and corrals the gang back into the crypt, demanding to know where Tom is.

I can't believe this crap actually worked!

And what may be the most bizarre vampire movie ending ever, Pavo awakens from his stupor to find...he's grown fangs! Wait, what? Um, yeah, Pavo has fangs and this causes him to dance around in joyous celebration above the crypt....which causes the crypt to start to fall apart? and many bricks to crumble down on our vampire hookers and crush them? Terry manages to dispense with Richmond and escapes with Tom...into the waiting cab of Julio!


but wait.......
......oh shit!


and wait for it....

double shit!!!!

Feel free to insert your own 'wah wah wahhhhhhhhhh' sound effect here.
And so our movie ends on this COMPLETELY ironic note.

but the best part is yet to come......pictures of our wonderful cast complete with BEST THEME SONG EVER..........

Don't get hooked by a hooker, when you sail in southern seas,
Even though she's a looker, she can bring you to your knees
She''ll take you to the graveyard and try to ease your fears,
but her friends out in the graveyard haven't fed for a hundred yearsThey're VAMPIRE HOOKERS!

Yeah, they're VAMPIRE HOOKERS!

Whoa, they're VAMPIRE HOOKERS!


Blood is not all they suck.......

Tartu Take Me Away

Well, the holidays are half over......and the biggest reason to celebrate, my BIRTHDAY, was yesterday. I got three of the best b-day presents EVER.

1. My first Living Dead Doll. I have wanted one of these for years, and my mother got me one for my b-day. Behold Miss Alison Crux:

She's spooooooooooooooky. And I love her. Her job is to help souls cross over to the other side. I hope she does it quietly, because I need my sleep. And let me assure you I speak from experience when I tell you that a portal in your house does not make for sleepless nights.



2. The BEST BLANKET IN THE ENTIRE WORLD from my wonderful SO, Papa Cash. Courtesy of a last minute run to Sam's club on my B-day. It's plush and softer than anything you can believe, and......
IT IS ELECTRIC. Which means it brings the warm. And, as anything in my house that brings the warm, like sunshine, Papa Cash when he's sleeping (the man could solve the energy crisis, I swear), it also brings the kitties. It also has a automatic two hour shut off, so I don't have to worry about being a dork and leaving it on. Bring on the cats and the snuggling!
Seriously.....any of you who are partial to warmness and softness ....RUN, do not walk to Sam's club and get ONE before they're gone.



3. Hellboy II on Blu-Ray. Anyone who knows me has heard me say at least ONCE that I think Hellboy I is one of the most romantic movies ever. I heart the big red guy big time. On New Year's Eve, Papa Cash and I have a tradition that includes cocktails, food, and movies....he picks one, I pick one, and we pick one together. For many years our pick 'together' was Moulin Rouge. But it fell out of favor a couple of years ago.....maybe we got tired of the green fairy? We'll see what the other two picks turn out to be, but I already know what mine is.......bring on Red and the Baby in Hi-Def...and Mad Props to my man Ron Perlman.....
Sigh.....

We also went to dinner at RuYi's, which is an Asian restaurant in Potawatomi. I all but break out in hives when I'm in a casino....any casino....It's like I can smell the desperation.....but I will go to one of my least favorite places on earth to eat here.
RuYi's

The spring rolls and potstickers are HEAVEN. I usually can take or leave spring and/or egg rolls, but these spring rolls are out of this world. We had an interesting experience with the waitress....I imagine that she's been bitched out by more than one customer who didn't know what they were ordering.....with anything we ordered, she said some variation on 'You know what that is, right?' in a kind of timid way that seemed like she expected to be kicked as a response. We assured her we did understand that spring rolls were cold, not deep fried....and also assured her when we ordered our entrees that 'curry' meant the dish was in some kind of LIQUID, and again at the end when I ordered a bubble tea to go that I was completely aware that it came with pieces of TAPIOCA in it. She was completely friendly and a great server....I just have to wonder how many times she's heard....'Hey lady, there's some kind of big black chewy things in my drink!!!' by someone who just spent their paycheck on the slots. (BTW, I highly recommend the strawberry bubble tea.....but get it to go for dessert and maybe split it.....if you try to drink it with your meal, you'll feel you need to be rolled out of there) So if you live in Milwaukee, head on over some time...just remember your waitress may be suffering from PTSD.....and be gentle.

One other thing of note happened yesterday....my good friend and gentlest of gentle souls, Mr. Chance went to foster care yesterday. I drove him to Racine where a wonderful woman who works with a foster care there picked him up. He was due today to be neutered and get the rest of his vaccinations, etc. It was a bittersweet day. He definitely needed a REAL home, better than I could give him under the circumstances....(three cats, two that love each other, one that thinks all other cats should DIE)....I am full up with cats already. Believe me, if there'd been ANY way possible, he'd have stayed with me. But it was still sad and I cried when I realized that night he wasn't downstairs anymore.....in the last few weeks he'd learned a new trick.. when I walked away, he'd chase after me and try to 'capture' me with his paws....

I also had brought him upstairs a few times in the last few weeks (with the other cats hidden away) to hang out with me on the couch and see where the big people lived. I had to wrap him in a towel because he'd shake and hide his head for a little while...and then slowly start to peek out to see what was going on.....after a little while he'd finally relax and stretch out on my lap and purr and love on me. the first time he saw a feather toy, he jumped....I don't know if he'd ever had toys before. I tried to explain all this in the bio I wrote for him....whoever takes him will need to spend a lot of time and give him a lot of love and reassurance as he adjusts to being a house cat again...

We also had a couple of people over to dinner the night before he left, so I brought him in to see how he'd do. He was a complete and total flirt with my friend, pawing at her and trying his best to get off my lap and onto hers- but she's very allergic to cats so we couldn't let him do that. But it was good to see that he was friendly and outgoing with other people....I just know whoever meets him will fall in love and he'll get a home in no time. I just hope it's the RIGHT home and he'll never end up outside or neglected again......so if any you don't mind, take a moment, and say a little prayer to the kitty gods that Mr. Chance gets a human with as big of a heart and as much love to give as he does.

Okay........I'll update you as I know what is going on with him...for now......let's move on to a topic that doesn't make me all sniffly and weepy-eyed.....

THE DEATH CURSE OF TARTU!

Although.....as bad as this movie is....I probably should have cried....

I actually bought this movie on VHS a few years ago when the Monster Shop was still open, and I had good memories of watching it. I'm not sure exactly why after this second viewing on DVD....after all, I don't have a history of drug or alcohol abuse... but I bought it as part of the Amazon Halloween sale....as part of a double feature with Sting of Death.
They're both movies that take place in the Florida Everglades and both directed by William Grefe. He's also responsible for the story about a boy and his snakes, Stanley.

Death Curse is the story of an Indian Burial Mound and the curse of an Indian, Tartu, placed on it. Anyone who's seen ANY movie involving ancient burial grounds will probably be able to give me a plot synopsis already.

It begins with some dude being taken through the everlglades to the burial mound by some other dude......who drops off dude #1 (known hereafter as 'Pesky Meddler') with the famous words, 'This is as far as I go.....'

Fair enough.....and our Pesky Meddling Friend in the Hat is free to go search for whatever it is he's looking for....
Hey, I'm white, I have a hat and a gun, and it's my job to mess with things I should stay away from.....

So he wanders while we look at stock footage of alligators, sets up camp, makes coffee, wanders some more and eventually stops to dig up.....SOMETHING.....

Then, somewhere....on another part of the mound? in another dimension? in another movie? unseen tribal people chant and some dead? undead? dude shifts in his sleep...
No, literally, he just SHIFTS.

Pssshhhhttt......Getting up and walking around is for pussies......
and for movies with BUDGETS........


All this shifting around apparently makes the snakes come out....because soon the area is crawling with snakes.....who are all up to NO GOOD.....which we know IMMEDIATELY because one tries to make off with Mr. P.M.'s coffee pot.....

HA! How you gonna make coffee now, Pesky Meddler Guy?

Well, our friend P.M never makes it off the mound with this....thing....he's just dug up, because he's soon to be prey for the infamous tree jumping pythons that apparently infest the area......of course pythons are LEGENDARY for jumping out of trees onto their prey....so I'm not sure why he never saw that coming....

Good thing I don't have to worry about pythons jumping out of trees at me.......


Or, shit, maybe I do...........

Who's a naughty little python? Who is??


Well, for some reason or another...it doesn't REALLY matter why, does it? Some professor, his woman, and four of his students (apparently) decide to follow this bum to the burial mound....and they're escorted by the SAME guy who took the first guy, and he again drops them off and leaves them....good luck, gang!
Well, you know it's not good when you find a skull on a stick....but the plucky group press on anyway....
Number one best part....as the gang is making their way through the everglades, one of the 'students' suddenly stops and shushes the rest.....then starts YELLING
"Listen? Can't you hear it? Sounds like........Dwums!"

God bless William Grefe, I did NOT make a typo there. Screw second takes! We've got a movie to make, people!!!!

How can you NOT hear those DWUMS???!!??

So the gang finds P.M.'s camp, the ALMOST (whew! thank god Snakes don't have hands!) stolen coffee pot, and the .....thing.....he dug up, which someone in the gang immediately pronounces as 'GROOVY'. Mr. Professor figures it might be harder than Latin, but he can probably get down and dirty with decipherin' it in no time....

Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is okay but I'm tired of all the dancing and dwums.


The 'students' decide that's nice, but what they REALLY want to do is go down by the water and 'roast marshmallows'. So THAT'S what the kids call it these days.

What's even funnier is that as soon as they're gone, the professor is telling his GF all about the warnings and curses written on the groovy thing......uh, information you maybe want to pass on to the REST OF THE GROUP?????

No matter, our swinging friends are already making out by the fire, and then dancing to a swinging tune on their transistor radio...
Nothing's better than a go-go on an Indian Burial Mound, I say! Well, dancing lead to hijinks, and hijinks lead to one of the couples being pushed in the water and deciding to race across it........which immediately leads to film of our friend 'shifting' in his sleep again, which leads to stock footage of SHARKS, and yep, pretty soon we have a full on great white shark attack in the everglades...where they happen EVERY DAY.

Well, soon the screaming brings on the Prof and his woman, and he finally confesses that the groovy thing says this Indian dude put a curse on the island and can send his spirit into animals in order to protect his burial mound.......which apparently includes animals that have never lived EVER in this part of the world - by SHIFTING in his sleep! Way to go, dead Indian Guy!

Well, the remaining four decide that one of them has to 'run for help'.......which kind of made my head spin.....seeing as though they had to get there in a BOAT.....but never one to question bad plots too hard, I suspend about three tons of disbelief as remaining male student #2 decides he is best for the job......

He probably doesn't get two miles before our friend is once again 'shifting' around in his sleep....and more snakes come out to play....
Is it me or doesn't that look just like one of those little claw grabbing monster things you always used to beg your parents to buy you at the zoo?

Well, the remaining three are not content to just wait for help so they go off looking for this burial mound. They find it, break in, and get locked out, and get out, and back in.....just trust me on this part, it's actually a good twenty minutes of out/in/ screaming and big alligators...and what we eventually end up with is this:



What she's doing here is actually holding the prop alligator's head closed over her 'bloody' arm. It's precious. Well, as you can tell, things don't end to well for our remaining student....and our last couple end up BACK in the burial mound again...because of course that worked so well the FIRST TIME.

Apparently this is what the bulk of the budge was saved for, because FINALLY our Indian friend does more than shift around and actually transforms into a real live pissed off Indian person....which leads to a lot more screaming, running around....




and then FINALLY to our finale, which happens to revolve around quicksand. I HEART endings that end with quicksand. Honestly I do. Perhaps that's why I thought i liked this movie.


And I also LOVE when movies end with 'The End'. Ever notice you rarely see that anymore?
BTW...let me know what you think of the screen captures....I just learned myself how to do that today! Fun! yeah, I'm always the last to learn all the tricks the cool kids know.....
And I'm spent........I was going to follow this up with Sting of Death.....but on second thought I think I'll go with something with more substance, like Vampire Hookers.

Not even kidding a little bit,
Mother Firefly