Mother Firefly's Faster Pussycats!: Bring On the Vampire Hookers

This is one of my fond memories from my mom's video store days. If you've been reading my blog, you'll remember we used to trade movies with another store owner.

..and this is one of the treats we picked up there. It was also one of the movies featured on Terror on Tape. For years this movie was only a memory to me, until I moved here to Milwaukee. Papa Cash a

nd I went to a video store that was closing off and selling all their inventory (at insanely high prices) but hidden among the overpriced madness was this little gem........and in the wonderful big old box I remembered from my glory days. I bought it and watched it and it was just as wonderful as I'd remembered. I've held on to this gem because I assumed it would NEVER be released again....but praise the DVD gods, I was wrong.

So I ordered myself the double feature of Cemetery Girls/Vampire Hookers...which allows you the choice of watching either film or both back to back with grindhouse trailers and intermission! I chose the second version but hit the fast forward so I could get to the Hooker goodness....

Our movie begins with our heroes, Tom and Terry, sailors on leave looking for a good time. On their way out they run into their captain, who's already headed to the good time he's got planned for himself.....and Captain introduces the duo to his cab driving guide, Julio, who assures the two he can hook them up with anything they want.... but for now the Captain is taking up Julio's time.....

So the two wander around town, looking for a good time, and end up in a bar where Terry ends up walking in on a 'chick' in the men's room.......using the ultilites in an interesting fashion..........which apparently is not enough to clue the dumbass in...

It's a man, baby!

Sadly, our sailor friend is not smart enough to pay attention to SUBTLE clues and a crazy fist fight ensues when Terry figures out his woman has a package he doesn't want....can't have a Vampire Hooker movie without at least one fist fight, now can we? But luckily just as things get hairy, the Captain and Julio drive up in the cab to whisk our heroes out of danger's way....

The wacky foursome hit another bar and spy a beautiful buxom lass at the bar....soon they are arguing about who saw her first and ANOTHER fistfight ensues.....Seriously, ONE fistfight per Vampire Hooker movie is enough!

The Captain, Julio, and the sexy lady all take off in the cab......Captain is thinking he's hit the jackpot until the woman informs him they are going to her home....in the CEMETERY......(cue the music).......Captain is nervous about this proposition but since hormones beat out fear every time, he follows the woman to her tomb....I mean home...

But the Captain has cold feet again and informs he won't be doing it in a coffin! But our sexy friend assures him...

"Coffins are for being laid to rest......not for being laid....."

And they descend down the secret staircase into the catacombs below. And who else is also living downstairs? Why, it's John Carradine and his manservant, Pavo.

El Sexy One is doing her best to charm and seduce her new friend.....who is doing his best to get her to leave and go to a hotel.....when....Johnny C and two new sexies with long teeth wander in. And you can just imagine how this scene ends....

Best death sounds ever.....Ahhhhrrrgggggggahhhhaaaaaahhhhhh

One very odd (seemingly unexplainable) thing about this movie is the continued flatulence of the vampire's manservant, Pavo. He passes gas in pretty much every scene he's in......apparently pretty offensive gas even to the man himself....as after every time he does it, he's frantically waving his hand in front of either his face or his rear end.
I SO wish I was kidding about this.

Meanwhile, in the daylight, our sailor friends are wondering why the Captain never turned up again ...eventually they spy Julio taking another sailor for a ride with our Sexy Friend....and they hire another cab to follow them. Of course, they end up at the cemetery and do some creepin' and spyin' around.

We find that the new sailor has already been dispensed of and is hanging upside down, being bled out. One of the girls is making drinks with a blender from the drippings, and utters one of the best lines in the film.

'I'm so sick and tired of these bloody mary's'

Johnny C invites Pavo to have a drink, who immediately spits it out and goes in a corner to cry about it. Awww. Poor Pavo apparently wants his fangs so badly but can't stand the taste of blood....

Tom makes some noise and the gang is alerted to his prescense. Immediately they go on the chase.....and the chase scenes are highlighted by what is maybe the goofiest chase scene music ever. It sounds like you're listening to some old Nintendo game that is stuck on a loop.....

Boop-boop-boop-boop-boop-boop......

Terry hears Tom screaming and takes off to help him....soon the gang catches up with them and has the courtesy to introduce themselves before they suck the blood out of the sailors.....after all,
'It's not Murder, It's Dinner!"

Vampire Roll Call!..............Marcy!

Susie!

Cherish!

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiichmond Reed!!

but just as our heroes are due to become dinner, the sun comes up and the vampire gang must flee...and Richmond Reed informs them via poetry, that he will catch up with them again.

Tom says they should tell someone, because that's what you do.....report it to the authorities.....Terry says no but goes along reluctantly....

But somehow Tom and Terry end up convincing the a-thor-a-tays to go out and poke around the tomb...when inexplicably, the cops turn around, leave, and let the tomb shut with Tom inside it.....Tom is trapped with nothing but the sound and stench of Pavo's massive flatulence to keep him company.....

Must be potent stuff, as the next scene finds Tom waking up tied up in a bed surrounded with paintings of a devil like figure gettin' it on with various ladies. It seems that Tom would be dinner but the girls have other plans and beg Richmond to let them have a night of debauchery....

As one of the girls proclaims,

I don't mind being a vampire but this is like being a nun!

Richard relents and the girls rejoice....and suddenly Tom isn't in such a big hurry to go anywhere!

Yay Richmond!

And such begins what is possibly the longest Vampire Hooker Orgy scene on film...although it's pretty tame, and consists of corny 70's background music, kissing, lots of hair flippin', and breasts. Oh- and frequent flashes to the erotic paintings on the walls....just in case we 're not sure of what's taking place in the bedroom....

flip.............

and flip.............

and flip..............

weeeeeeeeeee.....and FLIP!

.....and we're spent.........

Meanwhile, Terry tries various things to save his friend....and eventually gets Julio to take him out to the cemetery....Terry runs into Pavo and the hilarious chase scene music begins again!!! Boop boop boop boop.............

Vampire with a Knife????

Terry clocks Pavo out quite easily but finds the vampire gang closing in on him...
but Terry pulls the ol' makeshift cross trick and corrals the gang back into the crypt, demanding to know where Tom is.

I can't believe this crap actually worked!

And what may be the most bizarre vampire movie ending ever, Pavo awakens from his stupor to find...he's grown fangs! Wait, what? Um, yeah, Pavo has fangs and this causes him to dance around in joyous celebration above the crypt....which causes the crypt to start to fall apart? and many bricks to crumble down on our vampire hookers and crush them? Terry manages to dispense with Richmond and escapes with Tom...into the waiting cab of Julio!

but wait.......

......oh shit!

and wait for it....

double shit!!!!

Feel free to insert your own 'wah wah wahhhhhhhhhh' sound effect here.
And so our movie ends on this COMPLETELY ironic note.

but the best part is yet to come......pictures of our wonderful cast complete with BEST THEME SONG EVER..........