Sunday, December 21, 2008
Somebody Shoot Me
Delayed from Sunday morning......I passed out on the couch and woke up to the buzzer on the oven going off and the movie over.
I just put a pie bigger than your face in the oven. I have no idea how I accomplished that. But now my body and lungs are telling me to lay down or they're going to cough me into unconsciousness.
Since I found out last night after watching One Eye that I don't cough if I lay very still under the electric blanket, I decided the only possible cure at this point is ....
Something old, something black and white, something kind of fun......must be time to break out my Sam Katzman Collection.
I had four fun films to choose from but I went with The Giant Claw....
The movie begins with a view of the planet earth and a voiceover:
Once, the world was big and no man in his lifetime could circle it. ....Now the farthest corner of the Earth is as close as a pushbutton.
And time has lost all meaning.....
Oh, good. This must mean this is going to be a serious movie about serious things. I'm ready.
Soooo.....this pilot dude sees this thing in the sky which right away the government tells him he didn't see. So then the same pilot dude and this lady are taken to NYC by a second pilot who immediately doesn't see exactly what the first pilot dude never saw. And then the plane crashes.
Pilot number two is now dead and a local farmer named Pierre (because, aren't they all?) rescues the couple. Then the government swings by the farm to a) pick up the body, and b) remind everyone once again that nobody EVER SAW ANYTHING.
Pierre goes outside for some reason or another, and promptly starts screaming. Pilot and woman friend run out side to find him laying in the dirt and crying. They take him inside and Pierre insists he's just had an encounter with what he calls ' la carcagne', the devil in the storm, with the face of the wolf and the body of a woman with wings, a legend that the French Canadians speak about.
Apparently the legend says if you see this huge bird, it's a sign of your impending doom.
Or a sign of our impending shaking of our heads in disbelief when we witness the monster the filmmakers have dreamed up for us:
It's a GIANT FLYING TURKEY, ladies and gentlemen.
Go ahead. take another look. I had to.
Here is the big scary monster eating a PLANE. Yep.
Only thing missing are the wires - but trust me, the wires aren't missing in the actual movie.
God love the people who made this movie. Or God forgive them, I'm not sure which. But even in my cough medicine addled state, I do appreciate an old fashioned silly ass monster movie.
So somewhere in here....I passed out and then woke up....and we went to a Christmas party where I was nice enough to cover my cough all night. I always feel so generous this time of year!
And then the next day I picked up where I left off......still feeling pretty crappy and out of it....and what I can tell you is this: They tried to kill it and couldn't.....then they figured out that it laid an egg...then they shot holes in the egg....then someone came up with some idea about something to do with an anti-matter machine, and somehow that was the missing ingredient....and then the monster went to land on this big building:
And then they killed it. The End.
I'd honestly think that I'd dreamt up this movie in my virus infected mind if I didn't actually have the pictures to back it up.
But I do....and I have THREE other movies in this collection and I hope to GOD that they are as incredibly silly and bad as this one......even as sick as I was, I never fail to appreciate a 'so bad it's good' old fashioned monster movie. Seeing the zipper in the back of the costume, or the wires holding up the monster never fails to make me feel all happy and warm. I'll take silliness like this any day over another Saw sequel, or bad remake of some movie that I love. I crave simple, silly, b/w monster movies where the plot holes are as big as my head.
And this movie AND the flying turkey looked damn good on the new Blu-Ray player and tv. Truly, it did.
On to more badness very soon, hopefully.....