You know, down here at the Firefly Ranch, we appreciate a fine, well-crafted film. But my regular readers know that Mama loves herself the bad movies as well; bad acting, skimpy plots (or sometimes none at all), monsters with the zippers showing, and mutant animals/insects/aquatic life. I take the cheap tacky horror movies and I give them love while gently poking a little fun. Take any of the above mentioned elements, serve 'em up 60's or 70's style, and chances are I'll find something to like about it.
But every once in a while, I get myself in a righteous mess ala 'Godmonster of Indian Flats' (so convoluted and awful that it needs to come with a WARNING sticker), or sometimes (like a couple of weeks ago) I end up accidentally watching something starring Dean Stockwell.
And then there's Pick-Up.
While not exactly a horror film - at least, I don't think it is - actually, I have NO FRIGGIN IDEA what Pick-Up was trying to be - it was part of a series of films that I bought because I thought they'd be fun. I'm talking about the Drive In Cult Classics:
And God Help Me For Not Resisting a Deal on Amazon, I bought not just this set at the CRAZY low price of 6.99, I also bought parts 2 AND 3.
Then I started with Classics 1 today and dove in with the first movie. At first it seems innocuous enough, we have a couple of girls straight out of a Breck commmercial (and if you know what I'm talking about, high five!) who may or may not be making the right decision by taking a ride with some random dude driving an RV.
Then about halfway through, it's as if the filmmakers took parts of three or films they never finished, spliced them together, and called it good.
Cut to Mama F., on the couch, wearing my WTF??? face, rocking back and forth, saying through my tears:
"They've got to get better.....right? They've GOT to get better....."
Cut to me at my favorite restaurant drinking my favorite margarita to get up the strength to come home and write this review.
God help us, but here we go:
These are the kind of films that just get right into the action - we have a dude, the dude's RV, and two chicks who are apparently offered a ride....
Who are they, who is he, and how does he afford an RV bigger than most apartments I've had in my life?
Who cares? Like we have time to contemplate such matters......
Even though this one (w the dark hair and therefore the more reserved) thinks Aries is in a bad sun or something and this probably isn't a good idea.
I took a lot of trips in RVs in the 70s and 80s but I don't remember ever having one of these groovy signs hanging over the front....
You know, Just in case there's any questions....
Mobile Home must = Party Bus in this film, because as soon as we get going, Blondie is flashing the other boys on the road...well, kinda flashing...
Look! It's the underneath sweaty part of my left boob!
While Ms Moody McMoody Pants contemplates their future:
One Detour Later and whoops, we're stuck in the swamp:
Where our favorite party bus couple decides to strap the camera upside down to their belts and go for a walk:
And play with baby raccoons:
Miss Dark and Mysterious decides to venture out for a walk
where she is immediately greeted by a vision of a woman who tells her to prepare herself to be her successor.Successor to what? Listen people, this movie is a whole 75 minutes, and we've still got flashbacks and visions of clowns to fit in this damn movie! We don't have time for such nonsense..... I guess the answer is yes, because then
One white robe and one big scepter later, it's a done deal. Accompanied by much writhing on a big white stone table in the middle of the swamp, of course.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnd then .......
everyone has childhood flashbacks. Which seem to center around some sort of first sexual experience ..... or something.
Then, whoops, there he is, Mr Clown shows up:
And just what is he doing in the movie? I have NO FRICKIN' IDEA.
Then at some point, the driver of the party bus decides to switch from blonde to brunette and they go out to get it on on the marble table with the clown lurking about:
And if you think that bothers Blondie one little bit, think again. She just decides to start dancing around the RV with her favorite stuffed animal:
I really wish I could say someone in the movie threw that at her and smacked her in the face with it. But nope, she really does dance with it, and it's sitting that way on her head because she PUT IT THERE ON PURPOSE.
So she dances her way outdoors, her friends get it on in the swamp, and the next morning they walk back to the RV to find this:
And just as we're digesting THAT, the movie inexplicably returns to right where we started from:
HEE! We made a dumb ass movie that makes no sense!!!!
And, it seemingly starts all over again as the girls run off to join their boy toy in his RV party bus again.....
I guess this movie was just something to play at the drive in while couples made out. At least I HOPE they were making out and not actually watching this mess. What's really interesting to me are the reviews on IMDB - there are actually people out there that enjoyed this film and speak well of it. Which amazes me even more than the idea that someone made this thing ON PURPOSE.
I think I may need to watch something with some substance and value now, like another Planet of the Apes film.
8 hours ago