I am on Spring Break as of RIGHT THE HELLS NOW and I never needed it more.
Although 'Break' is a strong word....it's more about getting some things done and out of the way.
What I DO know is that I need to recharge before I start tackling all that. And what better way to recharge?
1. Pomegranate Martini
and yes, you guessed it-
2. A KILLER MUTANT SHEEP movie.
Let me present:
Godmonster of Indian Flats
Now. I only recommend this movie for the TRULY and I mean TRULY Brave of Heart. You need to do more than suspend disbelief to make it through this film.
What's needed to make it through this mess is more on par with taking your brains out of your head, microwaving them on HIGH for fifteen minutes, putting them back in, and then give it a shot.
Yeah. That might help dull some of the pain.
If it were that this were ONLY a little film about a mutant killer sheep, I would have never written the previous paragraph. If mutant killer sheep were the ONLY thing we needed to worry about in this film, but oh no.
No no no no, the wonderful people who made this movie decided to put in all kinds of random characters and plots that are WAY more convoluted than we need (and believe me, I left out about 3 or 4 stories going on in this film involving side characters).
So we start off with this dude seemingly catchin' a ride into town
in the back of a pickup....a pickup filled with....wait for it......SHEEP! Are they killer mutant sheep, you ask? No, these are just the regular kind. The regular kind that say Baa. But not like, real 'Baa'. More like you and me saying Baa, Baa over and over in different tones so that we sound like bad imitations of sheep. So you can see right away what kind of professionalism we're in store for. The filmmakers didn't want to rely on the sheep actually having to make noise. They went ahead and did it for them. Because they're just that good.
So our friend finds himself in Reno, Nevada, walks in to the first casino he sees, stops at a coin slot, and wins himself a fat two hundred bucks. Where then he promptly cashes out with the help of this saucy little minx:
I hate when Grandma tags along.....
Gotta love a man who knows when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em. Anyway, you think our plucky hero is about to leave the bar and go his happy way, when a bunch of partiers at the bar stop him and tell him he needs a drink. Then five seconds later the leader of the bunch, promises him 'banjo dust and starry eyed broads lookin for a good time' if they all go party somewhere. He also announces that his name is 'Elbow Johnson'. Everyone, including Grandma, thinks this is a swell idea. So, one creepy closeup later, they're on their way....
Well, he wasn't lying about the banjo dust......
And a whole minute later, one of the 'starry eyed' broads steals our hero's cash.... and then denies it. This turns into everyone at the bar turning on our friend, punching him, and kicking him out....but not before our hero declares,
My sheep are more civilized than you people!
Some nice man with a convertible who must also like sheep gives our hero a ride home. He introduces himself as a professor of archeology from 'Reno University'. He tells our hero that the people in the town love to 'work you kids over' and that he tries to discourage his students from visiting 'the bright lights and music' in town.
Let's take another look at those bright lights and music.......hahahahahaha........Resist if you can, kids!
We find out our hero's name is Eddie and he always wanted to go the University in Reno, but he ended up havin to take care of the sheep farm when his parents died. Anyway, Eddie is dropped off and immediately goes to hang out in the sheep pen for comfort.
Oh, my wonderful sheep.....wait, WHAAAAAAAT?Here you hold this sheep up, and I'll hold this one, and the sound guy can hold another one...trust me it'll be KILLAH.
The next day the Prof and some woman go to check on Eddie.....hmmmm, I wonder where he could be?
Could he be....underneath this PILE OF BLOODY SHEEP???
And what's THAT?????
Never fear, boys and girls, we have a Professor in our cast.
The professor immediately whips out his trust recorder and begins dictating about a live embryo fully formed and breathing...yadada...possibly chromosomic breakdown and fertilization....will transport to private lab...incubation machine....blah blah blah,....
Wait, what? Embryos? Fertilization?
Are we talking about....SHEEP RAPE???????
Oh, btw....we're a whole THIRTEEN minutes into this movie.
WTF? Who's this old dude with a spyglass? How MANY movies do we got going on in this picture, anyway?????
He is Charles Silverdale and he's bitching about tourists. And watching the whores fan themselves. No, I'm not being snarky. They really are whores with a real live madame.
Silverdale and the whores all notice the Professor driving by with Eddie 'heading out to Indian Flats'.
Okay, Okay....so Prof shows Eddie just WHY this embryo is so important...and how this discovery is so IMPORTANT FOR SCIENCE... Lookie at the fossil he found not far away!!!!
back to our other film....some dude, representing a guy called Wright, is offering Silverdale a lot of money to buy his property.....but Silverdale says no and gets back to his party. And then has a conversation with his henchman that makes it clear he has no intention of selling anything to this dude, not EVAH!!
Meanwhile, Silverdale's henchman is poking around the garbage dump looking to see what the Professor has thrown away lately. Huh? The garbage man informs him that the Prof threw away some 'funny lookin', funny smellin'" stuff recently. And the henchman is all, Aha! I knew he was up to no good up there! Well, of course, because the first thing that would make me suspicious is if someone's GARBAGE SMELLED BAD.
Then the Prof and the Assistant Mariposa go digging for bones in the mines. Prof finds something that causes Mariposa to react and start coughing and pass out....and we know it's bad because it also gives off smoke and makes a noise like a flying saucer. Professor gives a long speech that ends with the phrase ' the similarity between this and the Mine Monster Legend'. Oh, okay, well, that fits right in because....
THE MINE MONSTER LEGEND?????
(Makes note that we have 3 movies going on here)
Then we go back to movie #2....or whatever.....I'm losing track....but apparently the this dude who wants to buy property is still hanging around town. They have a shooting contest and somehow manage to convince the stranger that he shot some guy's dog.....but he really didn't because the dog is just playing dead....then they have a funeral for it and make the guy feel real bad about it.....and make everyone hate him.....so they won't sell him their mining stocks?
Go ahead. Take a moment to digest that.
Then it's back to the professor and the embryo watchin' gang.....because oh yea, I forgot this is a movie about a Killer Sheep! Anyway, we start to get SOME explanation about how this thing came, something involving compounds...and the mine....and prehistoric creatures...and compounds.....and the mine.....and Eddie's land....and compounds....coming up from the ground....and the sheep....and the compounds...and, oh, I don't know. AND I HAVE TWO COLLEGE DEGREES PEOPLE.
So then we go back to movie #2 and Henchman sets up Stranger Dude and makes it look like the Stranger Dude shot him. Which he didn't. But whatever.
Back to our sheep movie.....things are going haywire and snapping and exploding and the embryo is getting all upset. I could try to translate what the Prof gives as an explanation but you see how well that went in the last scene. You can also see our 'little' embryo is gettin' grown up!
There, there, little embryo dude.
So then Henchman rounds up a posse and yeah, you guessed it, they're going to give The Stranger a nice dose of vigilante justice.....but just in the nick of time the Madame saves him, and they take off to Indian Flats to get help from the Professor. And of course the posse follow and start dropping some kind of gas on the joint, which
MAKE MONSTER ANGRY.
It busts out and and right away kills a member of the posse before running away into the desert. Professor explains to Silverdale and the rest of the posse that this is a SPECIAL CREATURE that may hold the answers to the evolution of life itself (?!?) and everyone decides to work together, gang! and find this thing, and Mariposa takes off running saying she's gonna find it first!
And she does.....
Thank god she's a licensed Mutant Sheep Whisperer.
But then Eddie shows up, freaks out, throws a rock, and Mutant Sheep runs away. Great.
Silverdale sets off alarms in the town, calls the monster a 'damaged mongoloid beast' but decides it could make a lot of money being on display in the museum.
Scene that needs no explanation....
Eventually they find the Mutant Sheep and take turns yelling 'yee-ha' and lassoing it
Then Silverdale drives the Stranger out of town, telling him that he went and bought the mining rights of everyone in the town himself.....and then went and sold them to the Stranger's boss, Mr. Wright, himself!
Which is exactly what the GUY WAS THERE TO DO IN THE FIRST PLACE.
Then Silverdale says they need to make a pit stop and gets out and announces to the crowd that the Monster is Captured! But they'll keep it out here away from town just to be safe..and lots of people will come to the town, bringing money...and oh yeah, those mining rights I just bought from you, I went ahead and sold them.
They start chanting and yelling and are all kinds of pissed off and then Silverdale must think this is the best time to unveil the creature....and everyone freaks out and starts screaming to KILL IT FOR GODS SAKE KILL IT
Then everything ends in gunfire and explosions and Silverdale laughing and yelling at the Stranger about violence and how he won and laughing like a crazy man....and I thank the Gods that this piece of crap is OVAH....
Oh wait, whoops, guess that's not REALLY the end....
so then I checked out the extras..Something Weird always provides the extras that you would never see if you hadn't watched their film...they have old health board films on rat and fly control..there's a really messed up video for an even more messed up song called 'You Cannot Fart Around With Love' featuring the dude who played the Professor doing what I like to call 'Maybe the Dumbest Dance I Have Ever Seen'
Seriously, this picture only barely grazes the stupidity.
I think I even had a nightmare about it last night.
Make it Stop,