Eatin' and Killin'

It's almost 3 am late Saturday night.....or very early Sunday morning....call it what you will...as I start to write this. I have been working diligently since my last blog on nursing school assignments....doing double duty and working ahead, since I will going away next weekend.



I will be stopping at the Crocs outlet store (!) and then on to Madison with Papa Cash to hang out, do some shopping, and then head to the farmer's market at the capitol where it will undoubtedly rain....as it does everytime I go.

I could head to bed, or I could do even more homework, or I could ponder why one of my cats is standing on the table on his back legs and howling at the clock on the wall..or whatever it is he sees up there. I could even tell you about the cute film I watched tonight with Papa Cash, Miss Pettigrew Lives for A Day.


I could do any of those things.
But what I really WANT to do is put on a facial mask and soak my feet kick back and bask in the glory of...




CRAZY. FAT. ETHEL.
so I slapped on my cucumber balancing mask and then I slapped in my new ONE DOLLAR AND THIRTY ONE CENTS dvd trilogy. Scrolling through the dvd screens I suddenly discover that all these films were made by a gentleman named Nick Phillips. Seems as though I just bought the Nick Phillips collection and didn't even know it.


Well, Howdeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Learn somethin' new every day.




So the movie begins with a woman in a mental institution.....she is being held down for an injection.....I guess this is where the 'CRAZY' part comes in. Then they give her some shock treatments....dang, she must be crazy! Then the doctor discharges Ethel to her grandmother, explains she needs to keep having shock treatments, and that she needs to lose weight to cut down on the strain on her heart....because she's, you know, FAT.

So Ethel gets home and commences to eat. And eat. And eat some more. You know, because she's Crazy. And Fat.


Then Grandma decides it's time to lay down the law and locks up all the food. Ethel doesn't take this news real well.

Bye, Grandma.

Then it's time to drag the body upstairs, raid her money supply, and call to order groceries.


I'm not kidding.




Watching all this food consumption makes me think of another horror movie about uncontrolled eating.

Death Bed. The Bed That Eats.

but we'll save that story for another day, because it's TOO precious to share space with another movie.




Ethel doesn't have enough money to pay the grocery delivery boy, so she has to kill him and put him upstairs in the bedroom with Grandma.
Then she can do what she loves best.

Pretty soon her sister comes to live with her, and then sister's slimy BF, and eventually everyone starts noticing there's an awfully bad smell coming from Grandma's bedroom...who's supposedly gone visiting a friend.

Well, it doesn't take a genius to figure out whoever gets in the way of Ethel eating....will be at the business end of her hatchet before long.

And so the movie goes for a whole 70 minutes. Anytime a movie is 85 minutes or less, it's automatically bumped up a notch in my book.

I told Papa Cash once that I'd almost like to be President of the US just so I could make a law that all movies must be 85 minutes or less. (I have trouble sitting still for longer than that). Anyway, Papa Cash said if I did that, he'd make a three hour movie just to piss me off. I said I'd put him in jail for breaking my law. He said he'd turn it into a three hour documentary about how I jailed him for making a movie too long.......



And that is only part of the story about how Papa Cash is trying to drive me slowly insane.




Anyway.....for some closing thoughts about Ethel.....it was certainly the kind of thing I enjoy spending my Saturday night/Sunday morning watching, and it was worth its whole 1/3rd of $1.31. And if you ever find yourself pondering, 'I wonder how much eating and killing can happen in one movie?' Then by all means, check it out. You can even borrow mine, since Crazy Fat Ethel hasn't signed it. Well, not yet, anyway.

So to my friends and family who are actually taking precious moments out of their busy lives to read this blog-I hope I'm not driving you crazy with my reviews of bad and obscure movies that you never really wanted to see anyway. But nursing school is hard work, dudes, and I don't have a lot of opportunity or funds, for that matter, to escape due dates or reading assignments or clinicals.....so when I'm able to say, hey, I did enough work for the day....and want to watch a film......I want something that totally takes me out of my reality and also makes me feel warm and cozy inside. I suppose if I were a different person I might watch things like Pretty Woman, or When Harry Met Sally, and things like that. But love stories bore me and make me cranky.I need dark, scary, and creepy to make me feel like everything is all right in my world.



Probably some day soon I will write about how this horror movie craziness began for me- and then maybe some of you will understand why I am like this-and you still won't care about bad movies-but you'll see why cheesy scary music and monsters make me feel all warm and happy...and why Lily Munster was the TV mom I loved, not that dumb ass Carol Brady.


It's late and I need to rest....so i can get up and commence to the homeworkin' once again.
Love and Creepiness,
Mother Firefly