Satan's Black Wedding

A long while back (September 08 to be more exact), ol' Mama F watched a fun little film called Crazy Fat Ethel, and then we talked about it here at the Firefly Ranch. I also watched its sequel, Crazy Fat Ethel II, and I also mentioned that CFE I and II were both on the same disc with another movie called Satan's Black Wedding. (All of which cost me a whole $ 1.31 ! )


I always planned on finishing the set (also known as the Nick Phillips Horror Trilogy Collection), but somehow it got lost in the shuffle, till I came across it a couple weeks ago and thought Hey! Why didn't I ever watch this? I'll check it out! After all, it features this dude:
Should be fun, right??

Ha.
HAHAHAHAHA.
So wrong.
So, so flat out, one hundred percent WRONGNESS.

But hey, I suffered through it, and we're not about nothin' down here at the Firefly Ranch if we're not about sharing.

Even if means sharing screencaps and our accompanying thoughts about a movie that's so bad that it almost makes Godmonster of Indian Flats look good in comparison.
I said ALMOST.

Anyway, back to the crapfest at hand.
Satan's BW comes in a whole 60 minutes - which doesn't seem ALL that bad - but if you removed all the dramatic pauses, shots of oceans/rivers/foilage/cars, and had the actors speak their lines at a pace more on par with, oh I don't know, the way LIVE HUMANS BEINGS SPEAK, you'd probably have a movie that comes in at a tidy 25 minutes or less. And it's still be boring as hell.

And BTW, if you decide you want to take this baby on for yourself, I hope you're a big fan of this screen shot:
Because you're going to see PLENTY of it.

So anyway, our movie starts with the dude featured above visiting this lady, Nina, and seemingly makes her do this to herself through mind control or whatever:

And he's a priest, too? Not only does he kill her, he's nice enough to give the eulogy at her funeral.

Her brother, Mark (who's kind of the 70's low budget horror movie Ben Affleck), comes back home for her funeral,

He also meets up with a cop at his sister's house later, who doesn't believe that Nina committed suicide. Which leads to a very slow conversation with many, many dramatic pauses. Because, believe me, my friends, nobody in THIS movie is ever compelled to do ANYTHING with any kind of urgency, ever.
Let's just sit down and have a nice, long, slowly paced conversation.

And then we find that Nina's not really dead - she's just hanging out with her priest buddy and she's also now the new owner of a mouthful of really bad teeth:

Mark goes to visit a sick aunt, and finds out that Nina has been acting kinda weird lately and researching some book on Satanism:

And then Mark goes home to the living room of my childhood and reads Nina's book:

Aaaaaaaaand Nina's back! She takes out her sickly aunt and her caregiver by sucking their blood. And the movie never explains how Satanism = vampires.

I think they just wanted to give people in the movie fucked up fangs:
Will someone explain to me how these are AT ALL FUNCTIONAL????

Mark also visits Nina's friend Jean, who was helping Nina write her book. She admits that she was shocked at what happened to Nina, but not completely surprised.
This is mah 'shocked but not completely surprised' look.

Oh, hell with it, let's take a break from all this amateur detective bullshit and go a long walk and NOT TALK AT ALL for a while.
I'm sparing you the many, MANY, intercut scenes of WATER here.

Then the cop ends up at the church - he figures some shit out about the priest dude - don't ask me, I really don't even care enough to explain it any more- and ends up being attacked by these ugly fuckers - who are just, you know, hanging around, waiting for something to happen. Just like the rest of us unfortunate enough to be watching this movie:
And so the cop fires his gun at them:
And yes, that's EXACTLY what he's doing in the shot. Firing a GUN. And how do I know this? Because of the nifty sound effects in the movie. Not that I ever saw an actual gun. With a movie this compelling, who needs friggin props anyway?


So, anyway, Nina comes back for Jean:
This scene also comes with mixed with other scenes of running water. Which makes NO KINDA SENSE.

Wow, hey, we're all vampires now:

And the priest tells Mark that Satan has had his eye on him and his sister for a long time now. In fact, Satan wants them to get married and make a lil' baby Antichrist!
In fact, Satan himself is going to show up and perform the ceremony!!
This is how I felt after 60 minutes of this bullshit.


And Mark tries to run, but in the end, Satan wins the day, and our movie ends with our wedding taking place.
With Satan NOT anywhere to be seen - I guess even Satan has standards when it comes to appearing in a mess like this one.

Here's hoping the next movie I pay less than a buck fifty for is much better,
Mother Firefly