Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Oh The Horrors

Today I have the pleasure of presenting one of my Christmas presents:
The Horrors of Spider Island.
Courtesy of my mother. Thanks, Mom!
I had seen this movie a few years ago on another set of movies....it's public domain and easily found. But I wanted the Something Weird version of this movie- they do a great job and their extras are always fun.

And they didn't let me down.

For some reason my movie is called this in the credits.
I dunno why.

The movie starts in an office where producers are casting dancers for a job in Singapore.

The office is filled with hopeful girls with great hair and stunning outfits who all want to go overseas and be dancers. As we all do!

The auditions begin, and these producers are so good at what they do, they don’t even need to see the girls actually dance to know if they can use them or not! Apparently you can just tell from looking at someone’s legs.

Looks like she knows how to dance for sure!

The one chick that does dance –ballet- is told she’s a great dancer but, sadly, they don’t need her. Wait, what?

Then a stripper comes in and gets down to business. Doesn’t dance a step.

Gets the job. Starting to see a pattern here.

Obviously a world class EXPERT dancer.

Our last contestant actually gets asked to DANCE, of all things. So she does a little thing that involves kicking and her dress flipping up, and wow, I guess she must be really good, she gets the job.

The next thing we know, we’re on a plane to Singapore. Oh whoops, I guess we’re not gonna make it there because the plane is going down.

Plane crash --> lifeboat -->wash up on beach.

Gary and the girls decide to take a walk around the island, where they find a hammer...with a long handle...which Gary deduces must be for mining...uranium!!!
Then Gary and the girls discover a cabin......

A nice, cozy cabin…….how wonderful…hey girls, come on in

No really, come on in, just don’t look behind you. That's a spider looming in the background that I've circled for you....thus the name SPIDER Island.

And here's a close up:

After web and dead body cleanup.....

The stripper says she can’t take the heat anymore and so the inevitable happens.
Nope, I never saw that coming either.

Okay, so then just before bedtime, Gary goes out side for some reason, and is immediately attacked by our spider friend...which he manages to unravel from his neck and fire a few bullets into it.
Whoops, too late I guess, because the attack seems to have had some VERY adverse effects on our friend Gary:
but why did Gary turn into a Spider Monster and the other dude just ended up in a big web? *slaps self to stop thinking about PLOT*

The girls all stand around in their underwear and worry about what that shot in the woods meant!
The next morning the girls put their clothes back on (even the stripper) and head out to look for Gary. Well, apparently a spider monster can find a stripper faster than a bunch of dancers can find a spider monster, and Linda bites it.

The girls discover their dead stripper friend and wonder whatever happened to Gary. Oh well, a good catfight will soothe the pain of burying your friends....

And spider monsters end a catfight every time

Now we jump ahead a month to find the girls are running out of food and wondering how they will ever get off the island.

I guess skinny dippin keeps their minds off being close to starvation…..

Unbeknownst to the girls, a small boat is coming ashore. The two men, Bob and Joe, are there to bring supplies to the professor who's been working on the island. Jo goes to find the professor, while Pompadour Bob figures out pretty fast that there are chicks on the island

The few girls keeping their clothes on (for the moment) are on another part of the island and suddenly find the dead spider, Gary's gun, and his bracelet...

They meet up with Joe back at the cabin, and pull Gary's gun on him...

Soon we all figure out who’s on the island, who’s dead, and that the girls can go home on the ship coming the next day…and then…..the girls decorate their bras and undies with flowers….

Is this how you pretend you HAVEN'T been wearing the same underwear for a month?

and then it’s time for ….DANCING….

somehow, island dancing just isn't right if you don't wear your man-scarf

Bob decides to spread the love among the ladies but Joe only has eyes for Ann. Which for some reason causes a fight.

Bob ends the fight early when he realizes he’s supposed to meeting one of the girls out in the jungle.

Hey..whoa..will you look at the time.....

One of the girls follows him but apparently Gary the Spider Monster has found him first…and she is soon to follow....

Joe and the women hear the screams, head out, and Joe fights Gary the Spider Monster. I didn’t include any screen shots because for some reason, all the fights are either filmed too far away to see anything, or in almost complete darkness. Oh well. Close your eyes and picture a shirtless man with a scarf fighting a Spider Monster and you'll get the gist of it.

Put on your scarf and fight me like a man!

Eventually all the girls and Joe meet up at the cabin, and he passes out flares, and they all decide to chase Gary down.

Everyone runs after Gary with their flare, and .soon Gary ends up in….
oh no…wait….could it be…


Gotta love the finality of quicksand.

After quicksand I just need one more thing to make this the best movie ever about a spider man monster on a deserted island....


The DVD also features a couple of shorts, as Something Weird Video usually provides us. A music video by Joi Lansing for a song called The Web of Love, and two old fashioned strip teases with spider themes. Yes, spider themes.

You can't see the extras, but you can see the movie at the public domain torrent site for free.
Spider Island

Or look at Deep Discount's Mill Creek buy 1 get 1 free sale....where you can literally get two box sets of 50 MOVIES EACH for the price of one...so that's 100 BAD MOVIES for less than 17.00!!!
*passes out while trying to do the math on that one*
Mill Creek Sale

Just kidding....not all of them are crap, although they may be crappy versions.....the box sets are a good way to pick up a lot of movies for CHEAP. I see that Spider Island is available on the Chilling Classics box set, and the Horror Classics box set looks full of goodness if you don't already own those films. If DDD doesn't give you a complete list of films, look them up on Amazon...they generally do.

Well, I have about 10 days of freedom left, and I'm hoping to watch a lot more films before I need to dig into school again. they'll probably be cheap, chances are they'll be decades old, but they'll always be Fun.

Mother Firefly

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