Saturday, January 24, 2009

Oh Yeah......

Btw, I did actually have a mini 70's vampire marathon.....I watched a second movie and started a third- then realized the third one really didn't fit in with the Dracula theme. By that time it was too late to start another one, so I finished my blog and went to bed. Oh, the days when a movie marathon actually meant more than two movies....which I realize is more accurately described as a double feature.

But I did watch another film that night that I enjoyed even more than Scars, and that was Blood for Dracula. Blood was made in 1974 and written and directed by Paul Morrissey. I saw the last half of it a few years ago at Cinema Wasteland and I've always wanted to see the entire thing. Blood is a rather naughty movie, with lots of nudity and sex. But remember this is 1974, so these boobies are real, and not the kind we see on Rock of Love Bus.

Side note- do you watch this mess? it's by far the cheapest, trashiest guilty pleasure out there today. Nobody (including Bret Michaels) really thinks he's looking for love anymore (except MAYBE some of the very drunk and disillusioned females on this show) and I find myself actually rooting for the drunkest and the bitchiest to stay because they're the most fun. But I digress.....

So Dracula apparently needs virgin blood. Or he will die. So Drac (played by Udo Kier) and his manservant go off to the Italian countryside to find virgins. Because, apparently, that is where they keep them. Ah, the lovely Italian countryside, where the virgins grow!
(Dig Drac's FUNKY ASS coat, people!)

On arrival, Anton the manservant, goes into town and apparently decided sublety is NOT called for as he announces his master is in town looking for a wife and she MUST be virginal. He is told of a local family named DiFiore who have four unmarried daughters and of course they would be THRILLED to marry off one of them.

Word spreads to the family that some Count dude is in town scouting for a virgin wife, and instead of being freaked out by that, Momma DiFiore thinks that is pretty nifty. Because A)We gotta start marrying off these bitches, and B)they need the money because their home is in ruins.
I mean, just look at this shack.
I don't know how we manage to live in this dump!

So Anton shows up to arrange a meeting, Poppa D thinks Dracula is a pretty neat sounding name, and Momma invites them to stay in their house. Then there's a little entertaining side story where Anton hits the local pub and a young girl is involved in some kind of unseen accident outside the pub and is apparently losing blood. Quick thinking Anton manages to soak up her virginal blood in A LOAF OF BREAD and presents it to his boss, who is already starting to feel weak.
I vant to suck your bread!

Back to the DiFiore's bedtime, and the girls are all talking about the count's impending arrival....soon we find out that a couple of the sisters like to bunk at night with the family's hired hand, Mario.....And that's as naughty as the pictures in this blog are gonna get, folks.

The next day Drac and Anton show up at the house, ready to interview virgins and pick one (or two) out. Eventually Saphria is picked as the first candidate, and even under pressure, she swears to Dracula that she is indeed a virgin.....
You can't lie to Drac, however, because apparently non-virgin blood makes him very ill...what follows is probably the longest 'vomiting blood in a bathtub' scene you're ever likely to see on film.

The next morning, Saphria is acting very strange and sporting a scarf around her neck. We end up repeating the whole cycle with Rubinia, which leads to Dracula spouting one of the best lines of the movie:

The blood of these whores is killing me!

Eventually, Dracula's intentions turn towards the youngest of the bunch, Perla. But Mario the family handyman has managed to figure out what Drac is up to and in a very chilvarous move, takes it upon himself to deflower Perla before Drac can get to her. What a guy!

Drac is a day late and a dollar short, and comes on the scene just as Momma D has caught Mario and Perla in the act (in the hallway, of course). But Mario explains that he's just being a good guy and that Dracula is a vampire, blah blah blah.

There's just no good way to delicately explain the end. Suffice it to say Dracula finds sustenance in what's left behind from Mario and Perla's 'encounter' in the hallway. Oh yeah and then the eldest daugher, Esmerelda shows up and catches Drac.....taking in said sustenance from the marble floor. Yeah, nasty.

Oh yeah, big Sis Esmerelda, she's been kind of forgotten in all this virgin madness....I guess because.......she has weird hair and she's real pale and.....I really don't know why. But Big Sis has saved the biggest surprise for last......

She's the only FREAKING Virgin in the house! And apparently more than thrilled to give up her blood to Dracula. But with Mario gunning for Dracula's hide, their new love may not last long.....

And in what can only be referred to as the Monty Python Holy Grail of vampire killings, Mario severs Dracula's limbs one at a time, reducing him to a writhing bloody torso (although still capable of delivering threats, which I found particularly amusing) before delivering the final stake to the heart. Esmerelda is beside herself and joins her love in death as she impales herself on the stake imbedded in Dracula.

And THAT is Blood of Dracula. It's a great little film and holds up well after thirty years.

Maybe next time 'marathon' will actually develop into a real one.......
-Mother Firefly

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