Sunday, October 3, 2010

Day 1: Halloween Tips

*This is actually a repost from last year......but it's one of my favorites, so I thought I'd start off the season with it.  I didn't write it - and I'm not sure who did. I added the pictures, and a couple of my cats were happy to help out with the Halloween Tips. Okay, maybe not THAT happy about it......

Keep in mind for Halloween, it is worthwhile to remember a few
simple rules to help keep this season healthy, happy and SAFE!!
Please use these helpful hints this and every year.

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to
see if it's really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language
which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you
a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take
several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to
kids who speak with somebody else's voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go

6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would
apply to any other house of the dead as well.

8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and
find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HECK OUT!

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for
short circuits, just get out.

10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good
reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure
you know what you're doing.

13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down
at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the
fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along,
it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes,
increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are
listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in
trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where
chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go
to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think
that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had
most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway,
and most likely be eaten.

17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws,
staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines,
lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any
devices made from deceased companions.

18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the
time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that
had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in
some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic

19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an
old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a
flashlight, not a candle.

20. Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these
can flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this

21. Do not go looking for witches in the countryside.... you might
find us!

Mother F.


Lazarus Lupin said...

Well done!

I would only add:

1) If your gun runs out of bullets, don't drop it. You might find bullets later and its still a club!
2) Sensible shoes are a must.
3) You never have to be faster than the monster, just faster than your friends!

Lazarus Lupin
art and review

Emily said...

As much as I know these are all true, I will admit I'd be guilty of just about all of them in real life. How can I NOT want to at least TRY to solve a puzzle from hell?

Mother Firefly said...

Great additions to the list, LL?

I agree, Emily....I think if I found out the noise was just 'the cat', I'd be all 'oh look at the cute little kitty' while the monster snuck up behind me....

Jinx said...

I would also add: If you know the history of the ancient/curse/monster or any other pertinent information essential for survival keep it to yourself. Never relinquish your usefulness.
But, more importantly, kitties in Halloween costumes!!! Cuteness!!!

Mother Firefly said...

Seriously, I did the repost mostly as an excuse to put up a picture of Puff in her devil costume....and there's not too many places I can really use pictures of my cats with glowing eyes.
Also - nice addition to the list. I will make a mental note to keep any newly acquired information regarding demons/monsters/aliens a secret.