Friday, October 2, 2009

Day 2 - Helpful Halloween Tips

I came across this list a couple of months ago while I was cleaning up my email. I'm not sure where it came from, but I thought it was fun.

Keep in mind for Halloween, it is worthwhile to remember a few
simple rules to help keep this season healthy, happy and SAFE!!
Please use these helpful hints this and every year.

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to
see if it's really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language
which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you
a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take
several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to
kids who speak with somebody else's voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go

6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would
apply to any other house of the dead as well.

8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and
find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HECK OUT!

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for
short circuits, just get out.

10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good
reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure
you know what you're doing.

13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down
at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the
fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along,
it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes,
increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are
listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in
trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where
chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go
to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think
that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had
most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway,
and most likely be eaten.

17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws,
staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines,
lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any
devices made from deceased companions.

18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the
time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that
had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in
some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic

19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an
old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a
flashlight, not a candle.

20. Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these
can flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this

22. Do not go looking for witches in the countryside.... you might
find us!

Mother F.


John Rozum said...

I'd be dead. Those are all great, and important safety tips (accompanied by terrific illustrations, though the Evgren illustration that goes with rule 22 is hardly a deterent), but since I've always described myself as the guy in the monster movie that has to go poke it with a stick, they won't do me any good.

harleygirl13 said...

OMG! I am so glad you have posted these rules for me! It's terrible how some things slip your mind as you get older. They do come back to me though when I see some fool doing any of these things in a movie. I immediately start yelling at them telling them what they should do and to stop whatever they are doing or talking about doing. I do need to print these out and carry them with me at all times because you can never tell when you need to refresh your memory. I need to pass these on to all people I want to share these with( there are a few that can fend for themselves if you get my drift?) Thank you again!!!

Mother Firefly said...

Harleygirl, I think we need to make laminated cards!

John - I agree, I'd be a goner too - if someone starts mutating, I'm just going to have to stay and take pictures.

Shawn Robare said...

#4 will indeed save you plenty of time and frustration. Even if it's just an overly smart child for it's age, it probably has to be culled from the herd so it doesn't grow up to become a scientist capable of reanimating the dead. Just a thought...

harleygirl13 said...

I agree it needs to be laminated.

Mother Firefly said...

I agree, Shawn, no sense wasting time!